Everything.

This is only meant for the reading of you three, hui shi, gloria and shao wen. so everyone else, can i please ask that you all respect that and not read? And no, I'm not naive and believe that everyone will listen but even if you read, don't comment, ok? Please.

Anyway here goes. Even typing this blog entry takes a lot out of me. After reading what gan jie and gloria wrote, I think it's my turn. I guess it's just right to start from yesterday. Yesterday, after seeing your arm, I already started hurting again inside. Your laughter, your treating it as such a joking matter didn't help. Do you know why it hurts us? Not only because you're cutting yourself, but also because we who care for you are powerless to stop you. Nothing we say seems to stop you, the helplessness of it all. I just couldn't take it and broke down during chinese lesson. I pity gloria. I guess, in a way, she was stuck. Hui Shi, when you read this, know that Gloria never approved of it. I suggested telling lao shi before and she stopped me. But I was crying and breaking down, kicking the table and the chair, banging my fist on the table in frustration. That was why she relented and came with me to tell laoshi. Now, for me to explain why I wanted to tell laoshi. I didn't expect much from telling laoshi, it's not like you'll stop. I'm not that naive. I know that once you start, it's hard to stop. But considering the fact that at least laoshi has some authority, I had been hoping that at least she could try to help. I mean, which one is worse? Us trying to talk to your mum or laoshi? At least, laoshi has more chance. On hindsight, it obviously wasn't such a good idea to tell laoshi.
Next, your reaction to it all. You felt that we've betrayed you. Fine, I admit that we did tell laoshi all these private and personal things that you trusted us with. That part, we were wrong. But please, what did you expect us to do? Sit there and watch you cut yourself even more? Do you know that almost everyday, I think of your cuts and feel helpless and cry at least once every week cause the image of your wrist is always in my mind. The cuts in the shape of a "z", the ones that are getting even longer. I can't get them out of my head. I'm too worried about what will happen if one day, things go wrong and accidents happen. I know that we've lost your trust. And I know that it's very hard to regain a person's trust. It takes time and willingness on both parties. So I ask only this of you, give us that chance. Gloria does have a point. It's because of how close we were to each other that's why you feel so betrayed, that's why we're hurting so much inside. No matter how much we've lost your trust, no matter how unwilling you are to be close to us, I ask that you at least let us care for you, to show our care and concern. I still say what I said one year ago, when I smsed you. I remember what you said that you were kind of surprised to hear that from a friend you knew for only a few months. I said that I'll always be there for you and always willing to lend you that listening ear or that shoulder to cry on. It still remains the same.