going away

Hiya! For those who don't know, I'll be going away today all the way til 31st.

Ack. I want to be in Singapore especially during Christmas. Pft. At first, I wanted to mail you all your presents but decided not to. So sorry. That means you all will have to wait til I meet up with you all the next time. Mhmm.

Bah.. Honestly, I'm not going to enjoy the trip as much as I would have a couple of years back. My friends are starting to be at the same level of priority with my family and that says quite a bit..

I'm going to miss you all so much. Each time I go overseas, I always wish that one of you are with me. Whatever sight-seeing I do on this trip, I just know that my thoughts would be "If only so-and-so can see this..", that kind of thinking..

I won't be bringing my handphone along so I'll be uncontactable for the next two weeks. Go ahead and message me if you want but I'll only read them on the 31st.

3 of you, can you all discuss if we're meeting up on the 1st? Time/location/activity. That's provided that we can all go out on that day.

I'll miss you all.

unusual ramblings

Whether this post will really be unusual, I don't know yet. I know what I want to blog about but as usual, I don't know how to go about blogging it.

Let's start off with saying "Happy Birthday" to those whose birthday falls on today, though none of them read my blog, I think. Checked my email and saw 3 friendster birthday reminders for today. And I was only aware of one of them. =p There's another person who's not my friend on friendster whose birthday also falls on today. Mhmm. Heehee.

The really nonsensical thing is I sent out an e-card. =p I don't know why but even though I'm not close to that person, I see quite a few similarities between me and that person.. In a different situation, I might have gotten to know that person better. But that's really unlikely in real life. Oh well. Tempted to address the person in this post but there's really no point? Since I doubt the person reads my blog. Or do you? I read yours though. Laadeedaa.

Enough about that person for now.. Got this feeling that this won't be the last time I blog about that person. Especially since I want to build up Christian fellowship in school. -coughs- That cough is due to the fact that the identity of the person is really, really obvious by now. Or at least, it should be to the three of you. -pointed look-

Ohh. Finally bought hershey's today. Cookies and cream flavour. Dang. Even that brings back memories. Or was I doing it deliberately? Sighs..

Ohh! After the briefing for people staying at Adam, Bro Andy talked to me for awhile. He commented that I looked a bit sad. Hmm.. My mood wasn't that high/happy. But sad? It's probably rather accurate. But dang, it shows. Pft. People aren't supposed to notice, unless you're one of those few people who I can't hide much from. Oh well. Enough rambling for today, I think. This might be my last entry before I go thailand. See how. Will attempt to blog tomorrow if possible. Or monday before I leave for the airport. Considering that the flight's in the afternoon.

Emerging..

This entry is overdue by 3 days. Though it would have been nice to blog about everything related to camp in 1 entry, I had to go for dinner after blogging the previous entry and it just wasn't the same if I blogged after that. I started being distracted by other things. Any of my entries related to camp, I want them to be written when I'm fully focused on blogging. So I shall continue blogging now. =)

The last two areas that God spoke to me about: reaching out to others and giving my all. Although the first area can get me quite emotional, there's no point in avoiding that issue. In church, we're told to invite our friends for events, for services, so on.. In primary school, I wasn't really interested in going to church anyway so didn't bother inviting my friends. Secondary school.. Somehow, things changed. Especially last year and this year. In secondary 2, gloria and shao came quite a few times. This year, sammi came quite a few times too. =) But even so, my heart was never fully into saving souls for God. The whole thing about me not feeling like I fit in in church didn't help. Who would want to invite their friends when they felt so alone in church? You wouldn't want your friend to go through that too... That was what went through my mind previously. Anyway, I've sidetracked. Even after being an SP, I haven't gone all out and tried to reach out to my friends. One service during camp, the altar call was about us reaching out to our friends and the pastor was telling us to have in mind people that we want to reach out to after camp. Three names came to mind almost immediately. It hurts so much to realize how little I've done even though I value those 3 so much. I found out that a really effective form of motivation is when you think of how you'll lose those close to you because you didn't put in the effort. The tears that I've shed.. I'll be trying.

Last area that I'll want to cover about camp is how I finally acknowledged my lack of effort in so many areas. I wanted to use the word "realized" instead of "acknowledged" but then found it rather unsuitable. I know I haven't been putting in my best. But now, it's finally hit me and I chose to face the reality. When was the last time I gave my all? Or even tried hard to achieve something? Though I shouldn't look back on past glories, I think the one time I really put in effort was in Primary 5. To this day, I've no idea what I did. But that period of time, my grades had quite a dramatic improvement. But after PSLE, everything went tumbling down and I stopped bothering after awhile. Sure, I was disappointed with my grades and all in Sec 1 and 2 but still, I didn't study hard. I just mugged at the last minute. This year, I cruised along for the first semester and was rather content with my marks. Then semester 2's CAP was .. disappointing (to put it mildly). God spoke to me about my effort (or lack of it). And it wasn't just for my studies. Various other things, I haven't given as much as I can. There's probably only one area that I can say that I've given a decent amount of effort at least. But it's just one out of so many areas. Let's see.. Studies, SP, D&D, friends, family, goals, etc... Out of those I've listed so far, I can only be proud of one area. And to be honest, I'm only proud of a small part of that area of my life. The other parts of that area, I've not given my best. Ack. Shall stop being so vague. Since I've been rather honest and open, may as well continue and just state down things for how they truly are. The only area that I've put in decent amount of effort into is my friendship with one person. But I feel that I've failed in doing my part in friendships with so many others. Especially you three. I really thought that we would last forever. This past week, I've been looking back and just acknowledging my lack of effort so many times. I've never pushed myself to my limits before. I know I have the potential to do so much more but it's always been wasted. To quote my parents, "You just cruise along." I want to step out of my comfort zone and just push myself more. Of course it'll hurt but I want to try. I've lost that spirit that I had in Primary 3. Then, I wanted to try out being in the GEP even though my parents were a bit worried about me. I persuaded them by saying that "I want to try. Even if I can't last in the GEP, at least I know I've tried." Nowadays, I've stopped trying. I want to give my all once more. In fact, the only areas that I've given my all is probably giving my time and energy to those 2. It didn't matter how things would turn out, it was just instinct to give whatever I could to them. It still is, by the way. Anyway, I'm hoping that in 2007, I can push myself so much more. I know I can do so much more but only if I try and put in all I've got. How much is that? I've no idea. But I intend to find out.

Emerge.. A new generation

I'm back from youth camp. Been looking foward to typing this blog entry. Throughout camp, there would be times when I think "Hmm.. I must blog about this, I must blog about that". The only problem is that there are a lot of things that I want to blog about. This blog entry wouldn't just be a blog entry. It would also serve the purpose of recording down what God has spoken to me about and what has been impressed upon my heart. Even before the leaders and pastors told us to write down in our camp booklets about what we received from God, that idea already came to my mind. =)

This entry is going to be edited so many times.. I want to blog while everything's still fresh in my mind. I know! I shall just blog about camp in two entries. =) One entry will be on the activities during camp and stuff like that while the other entry will be a reflection of sorts. No prizes for guessing what I'm going to blog about in this entry.

I'm not too sure how to start off my reflections on camp. Never mind, shall just type whatever comes to mind. Throughout the camp, there have been a few adult leaders who have prayed for me but I'll only blog about what 3 of them prayed about. Bro Adrian laid hands upon me and prayed this "God has impressed this word upon me: Captivate." He went on about how God wants to captivate me with his love. Throughout camp, there have been quite a few recurring thoughts in my head. One of them concerned loving God and being loved by God. A pastor raised up a good point about love and giving to your loved ones today. If you give and you expect something in return, then sooner or later, the relationship wouldn't work out. In the same way, we can't give God our praise and worship and expect him to give us back in return. Anyway, I would like to think that I've given quite a bit of myself to my friends. So how much more does God deserve? I've given so much to my friends but I've given so little to God in comparison. Ouch. It wasn't painless coming to that realization..

Sis Joanne prayed this over me, "You have been rooted and the foundation is set. God wants you to build a house for Him." She went on about building for God. Appropriate, very appropriate. I'm hesitating before I blog about my reflections on this because there are some actions that I feel I have to take but it won't be easy. So once I start blogging about it, I don't want to give up half-way. Throughout the past year, there's been this idea in my head to either form Christian fellowship as a CCA or at least have a Christian fellowship group in school. This idea probably started since the day I heard "One Way" being played in the school canteen. Subsequently, there was that time at the piano too.. But I've just rejected and dismissed it as an idea that won't work out. Guess it's cause I'm afraid and don't have the courage. It's great how God works. Last year during camp, he assured me as to how and why I managed to enter NUS High. This year, he starts showing me the plans he has for me and for the school. Now that I've blogged about it, that confirms it. I have to at least try and do something. Even if Christian fellowship isn't an actual CCA, I want to build up the Christian fellowship group(s) in school. It's going to be difficult, realized it from the start. But I want to sustain the fire inside me. It's irritating when it starts dying out awhile after camp. To quote the pastors, "There's this cycle. We all get spiritually high during camp and it lasts for a while before it dies out and then we go back to normal til the next camp."

Last prayer from an adult leader that I want to blog about is what Sis Jasmine prayed for me about, "A new mantle of leadership". Whoa. There's quite a bit that I want to blog about on leadership but can't really get my thoughts organized enough. Basically, I want to step out in faith and let God guide me. Basically, stepping out to lead in church and also in school. I have a vague idea of how the former is possible but the latter? To be honest, I am scared of what next year will bring.

There are a few more things that God spoke to me about. My lack of regular TAWG, reaching out to people and lastly, giving my all into every aspect of my life. My lack of regular time alone with God. Sighs. I really lack the self-discipline and self-control but this can't go on. I have to set aside some time each day or every alternate day. That's one way to keep the fire burning in me.

The last two areas, I think I'll blog on them separately. It hits quite a few raw nerves.

before Emerge

To be honest, I got to admit that I'm a bit reluctant to blog this type of entries once more. The last time, those entries brought about quite a bit of conflict between me and my friends.. But anyway, here goes.

One more day to Emerge! For those not from church, that's the theme of my church's youth camp for this year. I'm intending to blog an entry on my expectations, feelings before the camp. Then afterwards, compare it to the entry that I'll have after the camp. =)

Yay. I'm thankful that I've been allowed to go for the camp. At first, parents disapproved because of the original location but after the location was changed, parents gave permission straightaway. Then there was my grandfather's condition to consider..

There's one thing that's going to be different this camp compared to the previous two camps I've been to, the position that I've been placed at. When I received the call from Sister Jas, the first feeling was that I was overjoyed. Deep down, I was hoping that I would have a chance to be in a leadership position. Yayness. =) I'm assistant leader of one of the groups. The contradictory thing is I normally avoid leading as it means being in the spotlight. There are other reasons why I avoid being a leader such as a sense of inadequency and feeling that there are others more well-equipped to lead. Or the issue that was on my mind before I became an SP, "How can I expect to lead others in the right way when I feel so lost in my life?" You get the general idea. Yet, I was happy. And I've no idea why I wanted the position. But honestly, I'm still nervous. But the leader's briefing was enjoyable and did help calm me down a bit and I was given some assurance by the adults said. Mhmm. =)

I'm expecting quite a few things from the camp. Each year, my expectations for camp have been met beyond what I expected. Each youth camp has changed me a bit but to be honest, it only lasts for a while. The fire within me dies out after awhile. But somehow, there's this anticipation inside of me. I just sense that I will change quite a bit after camp. Whether it's me being more confident/comfortable being in leadership positions or something else, I've no idea. But to quote my MSN nickname, "I know I will change, for the better. Will you all see it that way?" I guess there's still a bit of insecurities in me after the previous incident. Didn't realize it. Only a few of you have known me when I was really passionate about running after God. Honestly, I haven't shouted my faith out loud. Why? I've got to ask myself that too.

One last thing to round up this entry. The previous time, someone I hold dear to me was hurt because the person felt worthless since my relationship with God, going to church, etc seemed to be the only thing that made me happy. My friends felt worthless. But I want to get this clear. Yes, I am happy and my spirits are lifted up in service especially when I encounter God's presence. But no, that's not the only thing that makes me happy. I value my friends so much. So here's a promise that I'll make to my friends. No matter how I've changed after the camp, my friends will always be important to me. I just hope that even if I do change, the way you treat me won't. Other than being nervous, I'm scared too..

one normal day

Whee! Today finally felt like a holiday, compared to the past few weeks. Meeting up with friends, slacking, doing things that I enjoy, etc... =)

Kor, Mei and Nes (duh, who else?) came over to my house today in the morning. Morning referring to 8am. 0.0 Nice of them, ya? Haha. I didn't really mind. They are pro! Helped me finished the Disney princess jigsaw puzzle. After that, they played for an hour or so on the piano before we watched Mr and Mrs Smith while eating lunch (which was soon neglected and forgotten). Then more fixing of a new jigsaw puzzle. But it was a lot harder since the picture's of a pair of dolphin in this sea that's rainbow-coloured. Nes suggested playing bridge so ended up going downstairs to buy a deck of cards. Sadness. Didn't have any cards at home. Oh well. Played bridge the rest of the time. Heehee. I am really the rewols one. Somehow, I managed to play through a few games being really blur and confused as to who my partner was and stuff like that. Then nes had to leave and kor also left. Mei stayed for awhile before she left too.. =( Oh well. Sighs.

The saddest thing is after I transferred what we've done of the dolphin puzzle unto the board, when I brought it in my room, the board dropped a bit and half of what we did went unto my bed. So naturally, some of those we joined together came apart. Had to rush off to meet my mum so didn't fix everything back. But everything's on the board at least. And the border's still in place. =)

Rushed down to central to meet my family and had dinner before watching Happy Feet. Ack. Another example of my ssenwols: didn't realize that the entertainment centre's been renovated and the ticket counter's now on the 2nd floor. Mhmm. Happy Feet is cute! -gushes over Mumble and Gloria- Ohh! I like Gloria's heartsong. It is nice. The heartsong of Mumble's parents is nice too. Mhmm! =) Must remember to get the show when it's out on VCD/DVD. Ok. It's getting late/early. Better go sleep now. Goodnight!

closest

I've been blogging a lot of entries on my friends, be it thanking them or summarizing the various friendships in my life. This entry's going to quite similar except that I'm going to direct it to two people only. On my MSN space, I dedicated the song to the same two people. In fact, I think I directed almost that whole post to them. =p

I really know how to pick my friends, don't I? To be honest, the amount of tears I've shed over you two probably makes up the majority of my tears in secondary school. On the other hand, a lot of things remind me of you two, even really trivial stuff. Sure, I've had unpleasant memories that concern you two but there are also memories of you two that I want to keep with me forever.

Ok. Enough with that paragraph. It was way too general. Time to address each of you separately. I'll start off with the one that I knew earlier.

You. Haha. Even blogging in this style reminds me of you. After all, we've had so many entries in which we don't mention names and just use "you". You've influenced me a lot and changed me a lot. I think I became a bit less innocent. =p Still remember the question mark notebook? I still wonder what happened to it... Anyway, that aside. My favourite memory of us was when we were to Junction 8 and then you cut your hair. After that, we took neoprints. To this day, I think that set of neoprints is the nicest in my collection. For once, I looked photogenic. =p Haha. But not only that, it was one of the rarer times when it was only two of us going out and taking neoprints. And the smiles on our faces were so genuine. It was also well-decorated. Anyway, I attribute a lot of my behaviour to you actually. There are certain habits that I have even til this day. But times have changed. We've drifted quite a bit. And though things have been improving slightly over the past month, it hasn't reached the level that we were once at. Sighs. Once, you said that you read my blog every alternate day or something like that. I was pleasantly surprised. I thought you stopped reading my blog. Now, do you still read it as often? I know I still check yours each time I go online. Please leave a tag if you still read. Thanks.

Next, unto you. It's a bit harder to blog a paragraph addressing you, I much rather talk to you or something. But anyway, it feels weird if I only address the other person and not you. Mhmm. My friendship with you is rather different compared to my friendship with other people. Normally, I try to be the listener rather than the talker. But with you, I tend to just rant on more, especially over the phone. At times, I'm not used to it. But it's also this that makes your friendship so much more valuable to me. And I have no idea why, but whether guards I have in place all just collapse when I'm talking to you. It's all unintentional. For example, I can just be talking and then I realize the emotions that I've buried beneath and it all comes out. And though you haven't changed me as much as the other person has, you've brought out quite a few aspects of me even more. And there's something I haven't told you. You unknowingly fulfilled two wishes that I made a long time ago. =p Mhmm. Shall end this paragraph here. Let's see if what I'm hoping for now comes true. =p

You two ah... So many things can trigger off memories, both good and bad. But I'm getting used to it. Besides, I don't regret knowing either one of you, my two closest friends cum siblings (even if we're not related by blood).

There. Finished the entry at last. This entry was written in two parts. Was interrupted last night when parents came back so had to stop blogging. Have fun guessing who those two people are. It's really obvious though. =p

bottling

Have I mentioned that my subconscious is capable of so much more than I give it credit for?Hmm. There was this incident on Saturday that made me realized how well I could push things to the back of my head. While I've been able to push things to the back of my head rather effectively (by my standards), the past week just beats everything hands down.

I didn't even realize what I've been bottling inside me. Had to force everything back into the bottle almost immediately after the bottle was open. After the bottle's been open for the first time, the cap's a lot looser. The bottle has been on the verge of opening quite a few times but each time, I have to force the cap on tightly. But not tightly enough. In fact, I want to remove the cap and let the contents of the bottle spill out but there hasn't been a time for that. The saddest thing is that I thought the bottle was empty or at least empty enough so it doesn't matter if the cap comes loose. But as usual, I'm either in denial or I'm just really naive to think that everything was settled. Oh. It turns out that the bottle was capped for a week at the very least before it was first opened on Saturday. Actually, it was probably capped since the start of the holidays? Oh well. And right now, the cap's looser than ever. But I can't risk letting everything come out of the bottle. Not now anyway.

Ok. That paragraph was just really really different. Quite understandable, I think. Doesn't matter. Not really in the mood to blog now.

quick note

Yay. I'm home. Quite unexpected really. Was supposed to stay overnight at my grandmother's house again but came back home because my brother missed his bed so much. But the sad thing is that my overnight bag is still at my grandmother's place. Went to the funeral parlour with only my handphone. So I'll have to wait til tomorrow before getting back my MP3 player and various other things. Ack. Oh well.

Not much to blog about really. Just wanted to enjoy using the computer. =p

Ohh. Shall blog about my rather uneventful day. Basically, I've become the unofficial "babysitter" during this time. At first, it only consist of taking care of Jonathan from morning til evening. Today, I had to watch over Jonathan and my 3 younger cousins. All girls, one primary 5 this year, one primary 4 next year and one primary 1 next year. The bad part is when I get sleepy but can't sleep cause the two older girls fell asleep so no one left to watch over the two kids. >.< Oh well. And I finish reading salem falls by about 1pm so had to stone with my MP3 player or watch whatever was on TV. Fortunately, the kids chose to watch "8 below". Whew. So had something to do, which I enjoyed. =)

Why do I have this feeling that tomorrow's going to be a repeat of today? Sighs. The most irritating thing about this whole period of time is not the fact that I can't go out or what, it's the fact that everything's so last minute. I only knew 5 minutes before we boarded the taxi that we'll be going home to sleep tonight. Little things like that. It'll be nice to know where I'll be tomorrow but no one can give me the answer so I have no idea what to pack in my bag when I leave the house. And I have no idea whether I'll be home tomorrow night. It's things like this. Sighs. Got to admit that right now my mind's already on next week. I want to go out with all my friends before the 10th.

You know that I told some of you all that my trip to Thailand was cancelled? Well, it turns out that I still might go. But it's all not confirmed. I'm not sure whether I'll be in Singapore or Thailand. Sighs. The only event confirmed for the next few weeks is that I'm allowed to go for youth camp. Yay. 10th - 13th December. That's it.