Emerging..

This entry is overdue by 3 days. Though it would have been nice to blog about everything related to camp in 1 entry, I had to go for dinner after blogging the previous entry and it just wasn't the same if I blogged after that. I started being distracted by other things. Any of my entries related to camp, I want them to be written when I'm fully focused on blogging. So I shall continue blogging now. =)

The last two areas that God spoke to me about: reaching out to others and giving my all. Although the first area can get me quite emotional, there's no point in avoiding that issue. In church, we're told to invite our friends for events, for services, so on.. In primary school, I wasn't really interested in going to church anyway so didn't bother inviting my friends. Secondary school.. Somehow, things changed. Especially last year and this year. In secondary 2, gloria and shao came quite a few times. This year, sammi came quite a few times too. =) But even so, my heart was never fully into saving souls for God. The whole thing about me not feeling like I fit in in church didn't help. Who would want to invite their friends when they felt so alone in church? You wouldn't want your friend to go through that too... That was what went through my mind previously. Anyway, I've sidetracked. Even after being an SP, I haven't gone all out and tried to reach out to my friends. One service during camp, the altar call was about us reaching out to our friends and the pastor was telling us to have in mind people that we want to reach out to after camp. Three names came to mind almost immediately. It hurts so much to realize how little I've done even though I value those 3 so much. I found out that a really effective form of motivation is when you think of how you'll lose those close to you because you didn't put in the effort. The tears that I've shed.. I'll be trying.

Last area that I'll want to cover about camp is how I finally acknowledged my lack of effort in so many areas. I wanted to use the word "realized" instead of "acknowledged" but then found it rather unsuitable. I know I haven't been putting in my best. But now, it's finally hit me and I chose to face the reality. When was the last time I gave my all? Or even tried hard to achieve something? Though I shouldn't look back on past glories, I think the one time I really put in effort was in Primary 5. To this day, I've no idea what I did. But that period of time, my grades had quite a dramatic improvement. But after PSLE, everything went tumbling down and I stopped bothering after awhile. Sure, I was disappointed with my grades and all in Sec 1 and 2 but still, I didn't study hard. I just mugged at the last minute. This year, I cruised along for the first semester and was rather content with my marks. Then semester 2's CAP was .. disappointing (to put it mildly). God spoke to me about my effort (or lack of it). And it wasn't just for my studies. Various other things, I haven't given as much as I can. There's probably only one area that I can say that I've given a decent amount of effort at least. But it's just one out of so many areas. Let's see.. Studies, SP, D&D, friends, family, goals, etc... Out of those I've listed so far, I can only be proud of one area. And to be honest, I'm only proud of a small part of that area of my life. The other parts of that area, I've not given my best. Ack. Shall stop being so vague. Since I've been rather honest and open, may as well continue and just state down things for how they truly are. The only area that I've put in decent amount of effort into is my friendship with one person. But I feel that I've failed in doing my part in friendships with so many others. Especially you three. I really thought that we would last forever. This past week, I've been looking back and just acknowledging my lack of effort so many times. I've never pushed myself to my limits before. I know I have the potential to do so much more but it's always been wasted. To quote my parents, "You just cruise along." I want to step out of my comfort zone and just push myself more. Of course it'll hurt but I want to try. I've lost that spirit that I had in Primary 3. Then, I wanted to try out being in the GEP even though my parents were a bit worried about me. I persuaded them by saying that "I want to try. Even if I can't last in the GEP, at least I know I've tried." Nowadays, I've stopped trying. I want to give my all once more. In fact, the only areas that I've given my all is probably giving my time and energy to those 2. It didn't matter how things would turn out, it was just instinct to give whatever I could to them. It still is, by the way. Anyway, I'm hoping that in 2007, I can push myself so much more. I know I can do so much more but only if I try and put in all I've got. How much is that? I've no idea. But I intend to find out.