It still surprises me how easily tears come to my eyes...
Just looking at the church bulletin for this week and seeing the advertising for "Timeless" on the front page, something stirred inside me. I want to see a certain person come for the event. Yeps. Anyway, fast forward to worship... The lyrics of this song really touched me. "Throne of Praise". The first few lines go like this:
As long as I have breath, I'll find a way to say
That I love you
Everything may change and the world may pass away
I'll still love you
Touching, isn't it? Hmm... Think about the lyrics. And you'll understand why I really like them a lot.
Last thing I want to blog about... The title of my blog entry. Earlier on, I blogged about wanting to see someone come to church. No, God didn't asked me to surrender that particular want. Rather, I've been wanting to stay in my comfort zone and in the later part of Term 1, I became so used to just staying within my comfort zone. I lost the courage to step out of it. I lost the initiative to reach out. For that, I'm sorry. God's been challenging me to not care about what others think, to fulfil His purpose. He has shown me the end result. He's given me a promise to hold on to. But now, it's the process that I've been resisting. I can't wait to see what He has promised becoming a reality. But for that to take place, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I stepped out of it before. But then after various incidents, I retreated back into my comfort zone once more. Even though the end result may seem almost impossible and at times, I do hesitate but I'm growing in my faith. That's the only way I can step out of my comfort zone. By believing in faith.
Another want that I was struggling with again today... I already blogged about how I'm considering not dropping physics at the end of the year. Today at the altar, I was just asking God to help me surrender my wants, my desires to Him. Art's been something that I hold close to my heart. One of my few regrets in life was stopping art lessons. So I really wanted to major in Art. At the end of Sec 2, during youth camp, God had asked me whether I would not take Art if He asked me to. At that time, it was more like a food for thought. The purpose of that question was to prove to me that there were things I held close to even though I thought otherwise. But now, I get this feeling that this round, it's not just simply a question. If I drop Art and take physics, I'm surrendering my dreams as well... By taking physics, it kind of means that I am willing to give up my dream job. I'm still seeking God as to what are the plans He has for me. I need Him to guide me. Especially for my subject combination for the next two years. It's a bit early to think about it but there's this urgency in me to find out the answer.
Yes, I do have homework to do but I think that this overrides homework cause I'm not just blogging... It's more than that. Yeps.
Showing posts with label christianity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christianity. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
His way
I won't really do a recount of today's service or anything. Rather, I want to share what God has been speaking to me about.
Just a bit of background history first. My school's organizing a trip to Italy for the Art students but due to the price, my parents preferred that I don't go. And I guess I was a lot more disappointed than what I was willing to admit to myself. Since at the altar today, the tears were flowing partly because of that. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it and how I had to let it go. Since last week, God was already speaking to me about going for missions trip this year and it hit me that maybe that's why He's not making a way for me to go to Italy. Because that's what I want and not what He wants for me.
And today, the pastor was saying how interested youths should go approach their adult leaders about the missions trip. Mhmm. Approached Sis Fran and she asked about whether my parents agree. Oops. Didn't ask yet. So went home and asked them. Whee! They gave me the permission to go. But that doesn't automatically mean I'll be going. Still have to apply and go through a selection process. Yeps. It's probably during the June holidays. Don't mind though. I really want to go.
2 more things God's been talking to me about. I'll assume it's from Him since I'm definitely against this idea and this thought has never crossed my mind before but not, it's just lodged in my head like a thorn. I might not drop physics after all. In that case, I'll probably drop art and take triple science. =( Yes, I'm highly reluctant to do that. The reason behind it? Hmm. Short-term wise, it's because art's time consuming and my time can be better spent serving God. But long-term, it's because I might want to aim for taking a degree in medicine. I'm very against the idea. Ok. Corrections, it's not that I'm against the idea but rather, I see way too many obstacles in the way. I don't think I can do it. Medicine. I need high grades for that. And my grades are so high. -cough- As if. But yes, there's something that I really want to do: Go on missions trips. Even when I'm an adult, I want to go for missions trip and help others. If I did take medicine, I'll be more equipped with the skills and all to offer practical help and aid. So yes... Fortunately, I don't have to make a decision that soon. At least not until it's time for me to select my subjects...
And the last thing? The same issue that I've blogged many times about recently. God has opened my eyes to see how I'm afraid of being rejected. How I don't dare to reach out because I'm scared and fearful. Scared and fearful of rejection, of being hurt. But guess what? He's told me to press on. To not give up. And as hard it will be, I know I have to listen. Like what the adult leaders say, don't just try for 7 times, try for 77 times... I can't and I won't give up. Saw this line once,"Don't give up on the things that make you smile..." Some things matter too much to be given up. They're not to be let go of, no matter what the cost.
Just a bit of background history first. My school's organizing a trip to Italy for the Art students but due to the price, my parents preferred that I don't go. And I guess I was a lot more disappointed than what I was willing to admit to myself. Since at the altar today, the tears were flowing partly because of that. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it and how I had to let it go. Since last week, God was already speaking to me about going for missions trip this year and it hit me that maybe that's why He's not making a way for me to go to Italy. Because that's what I want and not what He wants for me.
And today, the pastor was saying how interested youths should go approach their adult leaders about the missions trip. Mhmm. Approached Sis Fran and she asked about whether my parents agree. Oops. Didn't ask yet. So went home and asked them. Whee! They gave me the permission to go. But that doesn't automatically mean I'll be going. Still have to apply and go through a selection process. Yeps. It's probably during the June holidays. Don't mind though. I really want to go.
2 more things God's been talking to me about. I'll assume it's from Him since I'm definitely against this idea and this thought has never crossed my mind before but not, it's just lodged in my head like a thorn. I might not drop physics after all. In that case, I'll probably drop art and take triple science. =( Yes, I'm highly reluctant to do that. The reason behind it? Hmm. Short-term wise, it's because art's time consuming and my time can be better spent serving God. But long-term, it's because I might want to aim for taking a degree in medicine. I'm very against the idea. Ok. Corrections, it's not that I'm against the idea but rather, I see way too many obstacles in the way. I don't think I can do it. Medicine. I need high grades for that. And my grades are so high. -cough- As if. But yes, there's something that I really want to do: Go on missions trips. Even when I'm an adult, I want to go for missions trip and help others. If I did take medicine, I'll be more equipped with the skills and all to offer practical help and aid. So yes... Fortunately, I don't have to make a decision that soon. At least not until it's time for me to select my subjects...
And the last thing? The same issue that I've blogged many times about recently. God has opened my eyes to see how I'm afraid of being rejected. How I don't dare to reach out because I'm scared and fearful. Scared and fearful of rejection, of being hurt. But guess what? He's told me to press on. To not give up. And as hard it will be, I know I have to listen. Like what the adult leaders say, don't just try for 7 times, try for 77 times... I can't and I won't give up. Saw this line once,"Don't give up on the things that make you smile..." Some things matter too much to be given up. They're not to be let go of, no matter what the cost.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
time to try harder?
It's become almost a routine to blog about service and occasionally FUEL? Which is good... It makes me reflect on what was shared and hopefully, stays in my head longer that way?
I think I'm spending way too much time just browsing at Manna. Ok.. That was random. Time to start the entry proper.
Service. I wonder why I don't go up and jump anymore? But I'm rather contented just worshipping God from my seat. So ya... Anyway, this whole week is Mission Convention. And after watching the video on missions, just felt this tugging at my heart. It hurt so much to see those kids who have so little... I want to do something for them. It's as if God is softening my heart even more. And for an instant, I understand why it may be a good thing that I'm not going for Italy. I'm hoping to have the chance to accompany the adults on a mission trip. It's not up to me but ya... I want to help and not just by donating money.
During altar call, God spoke to me about the same issue again. It's really essential that I believe in faith... There's still a part of me that doubts the reality of that happening. And I can't have that. I'm hoping. I want to see that image come true. Anyway, one more thing that God spoke to me about was how the "chains" are about to be broken. I saw this image of chains just being broken. How I wish it's true.. There are too many things holding me back. Too many things weighing me down. But yes... Each time I resolve to move on, I still don't let go completely. I'm hoping this round, it'll be different. The lyrics of this song came to mind," No limits, no boundaries. I see victories all around me..." I want to claim that.
FUEL. Heehee. Guesss what's the topic? Understanding and handling emotions... I was smiling and laughing to myself a lot. Mhmm. I wonder why.. Especially when the pastor shares about depression and various other stuff. Oh and that was the whole, "How people deal with emotions?" I fit into 2 of the three catergories... Avoidance and confrontation. =p As in, I push the issue to the back of my head at times but other times, I address it. Heehee. Contradictory. And that was one more thing that I couldn't stop shaking my head at... There was this part about what emotions should and shouldn't be. Emotions should be an alarm clock, serving as a warning. But they shouldn't be a trigger. Rofl. Let's see. Triggers's like one of my favourite word when it comes to memories and emotions? Oops.. Question of the day: Are emotions good or bad? There's no right or wrong answer, ya? But anyway, almost everyone should know what's my answer. If you don't, I'm rather surprised.
Yeps... Anyway, there were a few things that I really should learn. It's just head knowledge so far. I mean, I know how I should control and manage my emotions instead of letting them control me. But really, it's hard to apply them. I've always been emotional... Still am, I think. It's just less obvious (to most people) nowadays?
I think I'm spending way too much time just browsing at Manna. Ok.. That was random. Time to start the entry proper.
Service. I wonder why I don't go up and jump anymore? But I'm rather contented just worshipping God from my seat. So ya... Anyway, this whole week is Mission Convention. And after watching the video on missions, just felt this tugging at my heart. It hurt so much to see those kids who have so little... I want to do something for them. It's as if God is softening my heart even more. And for an instant, I understand why it may be a good thing that I'm not going for Italy. I'm hoping to have the chance to accompany the adults on a mission trip. It's not up to me but ya... I want to help and not just by donating money.
During altar call, God spoke to me about the same issue again. It's really essential that I believe in faith... There's still a part of me that doubts the reality of that happening. And I can't have that. I'm hoping. I want to see that image come true. Anyway, one more thing that God spoke to me about was how the "chains" are about to be broken. I saw this image of chains just being broken. How I wish it's true.. There are too many things holding me back. Too many things weighing me down. But yes... Each time I resolve to move on, I still don't let go completely. I'm hoping this round, it'll be different. The lyrics of this song came to mind," No limits, no boundaries. I see victories all around me..." I want to claim that.
FUEL. Heehee. Guesss what's the topic? Understanding and handling emotions... I was smiling and laughing to myself a lot. Mhmm. I wonder why.. Especially when the pastor shares about depression and various other stuff. Oh and that was the whole, "How people deal with emotions?" I fit into 2 of the three catergories... Avoidance and confrontation. =p As in, I push the issue to the back of my head at times but other times, I address it. Heehee. Contradictory. And that was one more thing that I couldn't stop shaking my head at... There was this part about what emotions should and shouldn't be. Emotions should be an alarm clock, serving as a warning. But they shouldn't be a trigger. Rofl. Let's see. Triggers's like one of my favourite word when it comes to memories and emotions? Oops.. Question of the day: Are emotions good or bad? There's no right or wrong answer, ya? But anyway, almost everyone should know what's my answer. If you don't, I'm rather surprised.
Yeps... Anyway, there were a few things that I really should learn. It's just head knowledge so far. I mean, I know how I should control and manage my emotions instead of letting them control me. But really, it's hard to apply them. I've always been emotional... Still am, I think. It's just less obvious (to most people) nowadays?
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
gaining back my focus
Tsk... And there I was, coping relatively well and being focused on God. The past week or so, I guess I've been distracted by other stuff and didn't set aside time for TAWG. I've learned the hard way what happens when I lose my focus on God. Neglected TAWG for around two weeks and resulted in me struggling with various issues and getting really tired all over again.
At least, I've realized my mistake, I guess? I made the right decision last Friday to spoil myself and buy a book. It's time to gush a bit about the book? The book's entitled "The Divine Dance". No, it's not a fiction book. For once, ya? But anyway, the book is really for young women and talks about performing for God, not for the world. Throughout the whole book, each girl is compared to a dancer and there are various comparisons between dancing and our life. Yeps. It's quite a well-written book.
Anyway, while I was reading it, a lot of the lines were jumping out at me. Things such as how we perform for the world, being real as we live our life, etc... Time to quote a bit...
"Being real hurts because it makes us vulnerable. When we bare our souls, our hearts are open targets for attack. But we usually can't touch another heart until we open our own hearts."
When I saw the first two lines, I was smiling at the truth of the statemen. But what I really needed to read was the last line. That's the reason why I'll keep my heart open? That's the reason why I'll continue being who I am even if it makes me vulnerable. Mhmm...
"God did not hide His heart from the world, and neither should you."
Ok. That settles it? Something that I shall remind myself whenever I consider putting on a mask and acting...
I want to just immerse myself in such books... Lines like thse are in high demand. Why? Well, a lot of them just speaks to me about life's situations. The reason behind the situations, the appropriate reaction and at times, explanations...
At least, I've realized my mistake, I guess? I made the right decision last Friday to spoil myself and buy a book. It's time to gush a bit about the book? The book's entitled "The Divine Dance". No, it's not a fiction book. For once, ya? But anyway, the book is really for young women and talks about performing for God, not for the world. Throughout the whole book, each girl is compared to a dancer and there are various comparisons between dancing and our life. Yeps. It's quite a well-written book.
Anyway, while I was reading it, a lot of the lines were jumping out at me. Things such as how we perform for the world, being real as we live our life, etc... Time to quote a bit...
"Being real hurts because it makes us vulnerable. When we bare our souls, our hearts are open targets for attack. But we usually can't touch another heart until we open our own hearts."
When I saw the first two lines, I was smiling at the truth of the statemen. But what I really needed to read was the last line. That's the reason why I'll keep my heart open? That's the reason why I'll continue being who I am even if it makes me vulnerable. Mhmm...
"God did not hide His heart from the world, and neither should you."
Ok. That settles it? Something that I shall remind myself whenever I consider putting on a mask and acting...
I want to just immerse myself in such books... Lines like thse are in high demand. Why? Well, a lot of them just speaks to me about life's situations. The reason behind the situations, the appropriate reaction and at times, explanations...
Sunday, February 25, 2007
faith
It's really, really coincidental when yesterday, the pastor preached about this topic: living a life of faith.
The first thought I had was "not again". What, with the mention of faith in "A walk to remember" and all.. Oh well.. But really, faith is what I need more than ever? After all, there's no such thing as having too much faith. Oh well. But I guess I'm just going to fast-forward to altar call.
I'm still trying to figure out what God wants me to do about that situation. The thing is, letting go completely is not the solution. I know that for a fact. But ya, at the altar, the same image came to my mind again. It's been a month or so but that is one image that's still impressed upon my heart.. I want to see that image become a reality. And somehow, I keep having this thought that it'll come true by the end of the year. Although things don't seem to be falling into place, I guess I'm really just living on faith and hope? What I can do now is just to believe...
The first thought I had was "not again". What, with the mention of faith in "A walk to remember" and all.. Oh well.. But really, faith is what I need more than ever? After all, there's no such thing as having too much faith. Oh well. But I guess I'm just going to fast-forward to altar call.
I'm still trying to figure out what God wants me to do about that situation. The thing is, letting go completely is not the solution. I know that for a fact. But ya, at the altar, the same image came to my mind again. It's been a month or so but that is one image that's still impressed upon my heart.. I want to see that image become a reality. And somehow, I keep having this thought that it'll come true by the end of the year. Although things don't seem to be falling into place, I guess I'm really just living on faith and hope? What I can do now is just to believe...
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
agape love
Overpriced roses, heart-shaped chocolates, you just know what it's about to be Valentine's Day. I'll reserve blogging about my pet topic til tomorrow. =p That'll be interesting... This entry and tomorrow's might overlap quite a bit.
What is agape love? It's commonly used to describe God's love towards us or love between Christians. But it can still be defined clearer. Agape love is unconditional. How many of us can say that we have loved someone unconditionally? No matter how often I've said those three words to others before, I can't say that the love I had for others was unconditional. It's still human nature to want something back in return, it's just whether you realize it or it's subconscious.
Anyway, two weeks ago during altar call, I was reminded of the whole concept of agape love. Refer back to that entry if you want. But yes, it was after that altar call that I realized how unconditional God's love really is and how I fall so short of showing that love to others. Have you ever done something wrong and you were sure others would judge you for it and criticize you? Ever felt unworthy to be forgiven? I know I have. But as this adult leader prayed for me, she was reminding me of how God forgives me of everything. And even now, I'm still so amazed by it. Loving someone for who they are, no matter what they do. It's not easy. I know what I feel isn't just a crush. And now, I'm hoping that one day, I can love others the way God loves me. Unconditionally. Selflessly. Subconsciously, I realized I do want something in return when I love others. That was the main issue I was struggling with for the past few weeks. I think I've understood the concept of agape love. That was the easy part. Now, the challenge is to show it to others. I'm trying. I've been trying.
What is agape love? It's commonly used to describe God's love towards us or love between Christians. But it can still be defined clearer. Agape love is unconditional. How many of us can say that we have loved someone unconditionally? No matter how often I've said those three words to others before, I can't say that the love I had for others was unconditional. It's still human nature to want something back in return, it's just whether you realize it or it's subconscious.
Anyway, two weeks ago during altar call, I was reminded of the whole concept of agape love. Refer back to that entry if you want. But yes, it was after that altar call that I realized how unconditional God's love really is and how I fall so short of showing that love to others. Have you ever done something wrong and you were sure others would judge you for it and criticize you? Ever felt unworthy to be forgiven? I know I have. But as this adult leader prayed for me, she was reminding me of how God forgives me of everything. And even now, I'm still so amazed by it. Loving someone for who they are, no matter what they do. It's not easy. I know what I feel isn't just a crush. And now, I'm hoping that one day, I can love others the way God loves me. Unconditionally. Selflessly. Subconsciously, I realized I do want something in return when I love others. That was the main issue I was struggling with for the past few weeks. I think I've understood the concept of agape love. That was the easy part. Now, the challenge is to show it to others. I'm trying. I've been trying.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
reassurance
Heehee. Erm. I can't guarantee that this entry won't be depressing, ah? =p I'll just blog whatever comes to mind and with that, we'll see what the mood of this entry is. It might be a bit low initially but read on. It will get better. Things always get better after awhile. =)
Yay! Mel came for service yesterday. She waited for me at the busstop and we ran to church cos we were running abit late. =p Went up to jump during worship. The thing that shocked me was how tears came to my eyes when I heard the first few lines of the first song. The worship team started off with the song "What the world will never take". Just the first few lines alone touched me as I found it so relevant and appropriate. I'll include the lyrics in this entry. =) (Why do I sense that this entry is going to be long?) =p
What the world will never take
With all I'm holding inside
With all hopes and desires
And all the dreams that I've dreamt
With all I'm hoping to be
And all that the world will bring
And all that fails to compare
You say You want all of me
I wouldnt have it any other way
I've got a Saviour and He's living in me
WHOA I wanna know
I wanna know You today
And You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take
The world will never take You away
No one could ever take You away
No one could ever take You away
Hmm... But anyway, this song was followed by "One Way". It's just very shocking when tears just continued to flow throughout worship. Normally for this kind of fast songs, nothing like this ever happens. But ya, was reminded by God about a lot of things. To start off, this whole healing process is going to take time. (considering that I'm still crying so badly during worship...) It would be nice if I just snapped my finger and then I'll be alright but that's not the case. Just like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. It'll take time.
Bro Andy was the one preaching today. Talk about coincidence. Guess what he was preaching about? Contagious faith. I said "You're kidding..." out loud and had to explain to mel why I had such a reaction. Anyone remembers a few entries back on how my TAWG seems to revolve around the whole issue of faith? Yeps. I'll fast-foward to altar call. Yes, I know I seem to be going up for each altar call. But anyway, he was calling for those who had needs for God to meet to go up. Also, he mentioned about intervening for our friends but honestly, I was in no state yesterday during altar call to pray about that. Read on...
Went up to the altar and the tears just came. I guess that church is one place where I don't bother or can't control my tears. Bro Andy prayed for me and he said that God had these three words for me, "I love you." I know. One more thing that I haven't really blog about is the whole idea of love. Been thinking about that quite a bit over the past few days. Especially about God's love for people and how love is supposed to be unconditional. I think I'll wait til V-day before I blog on love, ya? =p But yes, I was just letting out whatever I've kept inside. Didn't realize that there was so much inside me that I didn't let go off yet.
For the 2nd time in a long while, I felt the urge to kneel down at the altars. To me, that's my way of saying that I just want to surrender myself totally to God and also how I want to humble myself. Sister Joanne prayed for me as well. Really, all the adult leaders' prayer have been giving me the reassurance that I kow I need. After altar call ended, hugged mel and there's this kind of mutual understanding between us? Yayness! Could go for dinner/supper with mel after FUEL. Took the chance to catch up on each other's lives. Mhmm. =)
Back to my title. Reassurance. Finally got the answer to one of my questions that I asked God a few months ago. But the answer wasn't important anymore. Rather, yesterday was really about being reassured of God's love and forgiveness. Not only that, also a reminder how this healing process won't be easy and it'll take time but things will turn out alright in the end. And yes, I've been convinced. Rather than trying so hard to resist changing, it's pointless. I will change. I know that for a fact. I can sense it already. But I know it's for the better. Mhmm! =)
To all my friends, I'll say this once more. Don't worry so much about me, ok? I'll take care. I won't be back to normal overnight but give me time. The healing's began. Soon, I'll be whole again. Whole.
Yay! Mel came for service yesterday. She waited for me at the busstop and we ran to church cos we were running abit late. =p Went up to jump during worship. The thing that shocked me was how tears came to my eyes when I heard the first few lines of the first song. The worship team started off with the song "What the world will never take". Just the first few lines alone touched me as I found it so relevant and appropriate. I'll include the lyrics in this entry. =) (Why do I sense that this entry is going to be long?) =p
What the world will never take
With all I'm holding inside
With all hopes and desires
And all the dreams that I've dreamt
With all I'm hoping to be
And all that the world will bring
And all that fails to compare
You say You want all of me
I wouldnt have it any other way
I've got a Saviour and He's living in me
WHOA I wanna know
I wanna know You today
And You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take
The world will never take You away
No one could ever take You away
No one could ever take You away
Hmm... But anyway, this song was followed by "One Way". It's just very shocking when tears just continued to flow throughout worship. Normally for this kind of fast songs, nothing like this ever happens. But ya, was reminded by God about a lot of things. To start off, this whole healing process is going to take time. (considering that I'm still crying so badly during worship...) It would be nice if I just snapped my finger and then I'll be alright but that's not the case. Just like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. It'll take time.
Bro Andy was the one preaching today. Talk about coincidence. Guess what he was preaching about? Contagious faith. I said "You're kidding..." out loud and had to explain to mel why I had such a reaction. Anyone remembers a few entries back on how my TAWG seems to revolve around the whole issue of faith? Yeps. I'll fast-foward to altar call. Yes, I know I seem to be going up for each altar call. But anyway, he was calling for those who had needs for God to meet to go up. Also, he mentioned about intervening for our friends but honestly, I was in no state yesterday during altar call to pray about that. Read on...
Went up to the altar and the tears just came. I guess that church is one place where I don't bother or can't control my tears. Bro Andy prayed for me and he said that God had these three words for me, "I love you." I know. One more thing that I haven't really blog about is the whole idea of love. Been thinking about that quite a bit over the past few days. Especially about God's love for people and how love is supposed to be unconditional. I think I'll wait til V-day before I blog on love, ya? =p But yes, I was just letting out whatever I've kept inside. Didn't realize that there was so much inside me that I didn't let go off yet.
For the 2nd time in a long while, I felt the urge to kneel down at the altars. To me, that's my way of saying that I just want to surrender myself totally to God and also how I want to humble myself. Sister Joanne prayed for me as well. Really, all the adult leaders' prayer have been giving me the reassurance that I kow I need. After altar call ended, hugged mel and there's this kind of mutual understanding between us? Yayness! Could go for dinner/supper with mel after FUEL. Took the chance to catch up on each other's lives. Mhmm. =)
Back to my title. Reassurance. Finally got the answer to one of my questions that I asked God a few months ago. But the answer wasn't important anymore. Rather, yesterday was really about being reassured of God's love and forgiveness. Not only that, also a reminder how this healing process won't be easy and it'll take time but things will turn out alright in the end. And yes, I've been convinced. Rather than trying so hard to resist changing, it's pointless. I will change. I know that for a fact. I can sense it already. But I know it's for the better. Mhmm! =)
To all my friends, I'll say this once more. Don't worry so much about me, ok? I'll take care. I won't be back to normal overnight but give me time. The healing's began. Soon, I'll be whole again. Whole.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Christian fellowship
Yay! =) Had the first session of Christian fellowship within our level yesterday. I'm really glad that this idea worked out and can see it coming true. The joy's different from the usual highness or hyperness. This is something more internal and guess it's what keeps me going. I won't blog about the whole of CF though I'm highly tempted to... =p
It does feel weird to be leading but I knew beforehand what setting up this group with Nes would mean so it's not that bad. Considering the whole session, found yesterday to be quite a good start. =) I've got a few goals and aims regarding Christian Fellowship, most of which I've shared with the group already.
There's this anticipation of what each session will bring. I have no idea what we're going to do next week (I'm still thinking about it...) but somehow, I know that it'll all work out. =) Praying that God will guide us throughout this whole time.
It does feel weird to be leading but I knew beforehand what setting up this group with Nes would mean so it's not that bad. Considering the whole session, found yesterday to be quite a good start. =) I've got a few goals and aims regarding Christian Fellowship, most of which I've shared with the group already.
There's this anticipation of what each session will bring. I have no idea what we're going to do next week (I'm still thinking about it...) but somehow, I know that it'll all work out. =) Praying that God will guide us throughout this whole time.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
to die to myself?
Disclaimer: I am not considering suicide or anything, ok? Read on to find out what prompted me to have such a title.
Anyway, I want to state that I'm going to be rather contradictory at times. Considering the previous two blog entries and what's been going through my mind today, I'm really struggling with a few issues.
I'll fast foward to today's service. During worship, while we were singing this song, these lyrics just stood out. "Lord, I know I'll never be the same again"... The past few days, I've blogged about not wanting to change in terms of who I am and what I value and stuff like that. But then this question popped up in my head. "Am I willing to die to myself?" Often, pastors and leaders remind us to die to our rights, die to our dreams and just let God work in our lives. Still remember how God was asking me if I was willing to die to my wish of taking art last year. But now, this question really made me think. I know I'm willing to give up a lot of things if God tells me to. But am I willing to die to who I am? And just let God mould me once more? To be honest, I can't give an answer yet. I can sense that I'm going to change this year. How? I have no idea. And whether I'll change and my fear comes true, that I become less dependent on my friends, I don't know. I'll blog about it once more when I know the answer. But yes, I got to admit that I want to cling onto who I am. I've gotten used to being like that, I guess. And it's what makes me me? Oh well. Shall stay up to do TAWG later.
Anyway, about today's sermon. What struck me wasn't the sermon but rather the choice of verses. Hebrews 10:22-25. The same few verses that I did for TAWG a week ago? =) And the past few days, most of what I've been reading has to do with faith. Hmm... Maybe I should read Jodi Picoult's "Keeping faith" again, yes? =p But yeps, hoping to read Hebrews 11 which happens to be about faith. Just finished the portion in "Power of a praying teen" about faith a few days ago...
One last thing to blog about. Altar call. Even before altar call, was reminded of what God spoke to me about last week. And once again, just felt my heart being so heavy. The same name came to mind. I really want to see that person in church and receiving God. And at the altar, I was just releasing everything unto God and no longer holding back my tears. What I can't get over is how God keeps reminding me to reach out to that person. And right now, that's probably one of the things I want most. And even though circumstances aren't really in my favour, I know I'll try my best. Besides, isn't that one of my new year resolutions? To give my best in everything I do. =)
Oh. By the way, my internet connection is like its owner and tends to have moodswings. Yeps, it only works once in awhile so I'll blog as and when the connection works. Meanwhile, it's back to blogging in Microsoft Word. And you won't see me online for a long time. At least not til the outside computer is fixed. Dad's worried that this computer will be hit by a virus too if I install Messenger so yeps... =p
Anyway, I want to state that I'm going to be rather contradictory at times. Considering the previous two blog entries and what's been going through my mind today, I'm really struggling with a few issues.
I'll fast foward to today's service. During worship, while we were singing this song, these lyrics just stood out. "Lord, I know I'll never be the same again"... The past few days, I've blogged about not wanting to change in terms of who I am and what I value and stuff like that. But then this question popped up in my head. "Am I willing to die to myself?" Often, pastors and leaders remind us to die to our rights, die to our dreams and just let God work in our lives. Still remember how God was asking me if I was willing to die to my wish of taking art last year. But now, this question really made me think. I know I'm willing to give up a lot of things if God tells me to. But am I willing to die to who I am? And just let God mould me once more? To be honest, I can't give an answer yet. I can sense that I'm going to change this year. How? I have no idea. And whether I'll change and my fear comes true, that I become less dependent on my friends, I don't know. I'll blog about it once more when I know the answer. But yes, I got to admit that I want to cling onto who I am. I've gotten used to being like that, I guess. And it's what makes me me? Oh well. Shall stay up to do TAWG later.
Anyway, about today's sermon. What struck me wasn't the sermon but rather the choice of verses. Hebrews 10:22-25. The same few verses that I did for TAWG a week ago? =) And the past few days, most of what I've been reading has to do with faith. Hmm... Maybe I should read Jodi Picoult's "Keeping faith" again, yes? =p But yeps, hoping to read Hebrews 11 which happens to be about faith. Just finished the portion in "Power of a praying teen" about faith a few days ago...
One last thing to blog about. Altar call. Even before altar call, was reminded of what God spoke to me about last week. And once again, just felt my heart being so heavy. The same name came to mind. I really want to see that person in church and receiving God. And at the altar, I was just releasing everything unto God and no longer holding back my tears. What I can't get over is how God keeps reminding me to reach out to that person. And right now, that's probably one of the things I want most. And even though circumstances aren't really in my favour, I know I'll try my best. Besides, isn't that one of my new year resolutions? To give my best in everything I do. =)
Oh. By the way, my internet connection is like its owner and tends to have moodswings. Yeps, it only works once in awhile so I'll blog as and when the connection works. Meanwhile, it's back to blogging in Microsoft Word. And you won't see me online for a long time. At least not til the outside computer is fixed. Dad's worried that this computer will be hit by a virus too if I install Messenger so yeps... =p
Sunday, January 21, 2007
heavy heart
On friday night/saturday morning, I blogged about how I was looking foward to service and hearing from God. It's time to blog about yesterday.
It was certainly a change to see everyone in their school uniforms. Heehee. I really should start tying my own tie? =p Anyway, worship for me wasn't anything spectacular, in the sense that I didn't feel like I was in God's presence yet. The sermon was very relevant though. Mhmm. Vision mandate: A generation of faith! For today, I'll not blog about the sermon as that wasn't really the highlight of the service for me yesterday.
Altar call. Even before I went up, I could sense that there was going to be a change in me. For some reason, tears came to my eyes as I thought of a certain person. I still have no idea how to phrase what happened when I was up at the altar. The experience was really different. It was nothing obvious like being struck down onto the floor. But rather, something changed internally. Reason for my title? That was kind of what happened. I don't mean that my heart suddenly weighs more but rather, my heart is feeling heavier. God placed upon me a renewed desire to see souls saved for Him, this new compassion for people. And because of that, my heart's heavier seeing those that I love not receiving God yet. That was why I was crying and just asking God to let me stand in the gap between Him and them. After that, ended off service by singing "History Maker". How appropriate?
Just feel like blogging more about what went through my mind and all yesterday. Before yesterday, I did want to see my friends come to know God and hopefully attend service along with me. But after yesterday's altar call, it's no longer just a matter of wanting. It's so much more than that. It's really this burning desire to see several ones of you saved. And in particular, there's one name that God has spoken to me about. And throughout F.U.E.L, that name never stopped flashing in my head. So many little things would make me think of wanting to see that person in church. And throughout the course of blogging this entry, my heart is still feeling so heavy, as if there's an additional "burden". But this "burden" is something I'm willing to bear. I just pray that one day, preferably soon, those that I love and care for will come to know God.
~keeping you all in prayer~
It was certainly a change to see everyone in their school uniforms. Heehee. I really should start tying my own tie? =p Anyway, worship for me wasn't anything spectacular, in the sense that I didn't feel like I was in God's presence yet. The sermon was very relevant though. Mhmm. Vision mandate: A generation of faith! For today, I'll not blog about the sermon as that wasn't really the highlight of the service for me yesterday.
Altar call. Even before I went up, I could sense that there was going to be a change in me. For some reason, tears came to my eyes as I thought of a certain person. I still have no idea how to phrase what happened when I was up at the altar. The experience was really different. It was nothing obvious like being struck down onto the floor. But rather, something changed internally. Reason for my title? That was kind of what happened. I don't mean that my heart suddenly weighs more but rather, my heart is feeling heavier. God placed upon me a renewed desire to see souls saved for Him, this new compassion for people. And because of that, my heart's heavier seeing those that I love not receiving God yet. That was why I was crying and just asking God to let me stand in the gap between Him and them. After that, ended off service by singing "History Maker". How appropriate?
Just feel like blogging more about what went through my mind and all yesterday. Before yesterday, I did want to see my friends come to know God and hopefully attend service along with me. But after yesterday's altar call, it's no longer just a matter of wanting. It's so much more than that. It's really this burning desire to see several ones of you saved. And in particular, there's one name that God has spoken to me about. And throughout F.U.E.L, that name never stopped flashing in my head. So many little things would make me think of wanting to see that person in church. And throughout the course of blogging this entry, my heart is still feeling so heavy, as if there's an additional "burden". But this "burden" is something I'm willing to bear. I just pray that one day, preferably soon, those that I love and care for will come to know God.
~keeping you all in prayer~
Saturday, January 20, 2007
remembering
Let me dwell in memories for awhile before I go on to blog about my real purpose for this entry..
As I went for piano yesterday, was walking along this street and just remembered a conversation that I had with someone at that place. It surprised me how I could remember that conversation so clearly. Guess you could call it a flashback? Really, a lot of things have been striking me the past few days and weeks. So many realizations.
Yay! My mum bought "Power of a praying teen" for me. She came home before I left for lcell so I brought it along with me to read on the bus. Only read through the first few pages, or to be specific, the introduction as I didn't want to read through this book like how I read fiction books. Even as I read, there were a lot of things that went through my mind. Had to control the urge to flip to particular chapters in the book that dealt with various issues and topics. After awhile, decided to sleep on the bus. Lcell. Gel was fun and I really miss Glorify. Looking foward to learning the guitar. Yes yes, I might actually do something about it this year. During the time when everyone shared, it was really amazing how so many of us want to see changes in our school and that God was speaking to each one of us about our school.
The trip back home was really unlike any other. At the busstop, felt the urge to take out my notebook which I use for TAWG and reflect on something that Bro Terence shared about in Lcell: letting the Holy Spirit lead us. How appropriate. Especially since I came across that in the first few pages of "Power of a praying teen" too... So was writing my reflections on it and re-reading the same few pages again and writing down more stuff. So throughout the whole bus ride, was just writing and referring to the book as well. Then even when I alighted from the bus, felt the urge to stay at the busstop and finish writing what God spoke to me about. Didn't want to wait til I got home. Yeps. And as I walk from the busstop to my house, just prayed out loud for various areas in my life. Mhmm.
It's great to reach another level in my relationship with God and really encountering Him every day and not just in church. But there's still so much more that I want. I'm hoping to hear from God tomorrow about the plans He has for the school. We're supposed to wear our school uniforms to church tomorrow. I'm really looking foward to tomorrow's service. Somehow, I think some issues that I've been struggling with will be resolved soon. Heehee. Might start spending money in the bookshop tomorrow. Feel like buying more stuff. But first, shall finish "Power of a praying teen". =) From what I've skimmed through, it's a really good book. Recommended reading!
Shall remember to blog one entry on the book after I'm done reading through it. Of course, I'll probably be writing my reflections after reading in my TAWG notebook as well. Sister Serena made a very good choice when she gave me the Precious Moments notebook. =)
Ok. Did I mention that my sleeping time is so messed up? I'm getting nocturnal. I get so tired in the day but can't sleep at night. Oops? Shall make an attempt to sleep earlier tonight.
As I went for piano yesterday, was walking along this street and just remembered a conversation that I had with someone at that place. It surprised me how I could remember that conversation so clearly. Guess you could call it a flashback? Really, a lot of things have been striking me the past few days and weeks. So many realizations.
Yay! My mum bought "Power of a praying teen" for me. She came home before I left for lcell so I brought it along with me to read on the bus. Only read through the first few pages, or to be specific, the introduction as I didn't want to read through this book like how I read fiction books. Even as I read, there were a lot of things that went through my mind. Had to control the urge to flip to particular chapters in the book that dealt with various issues and topics. After awhile, decided to sleep on the bus. Lcell. Gel was fun and I really miss Glorify. Looking foward to learning the guitar. Yes yes, I might actually do something about it this year. During the time when everyone shared, it was really amazing how so many of us want to see changes in our school and that God was speaking to each one of us about our school.
The trip back home was really unlike any other. At the busstop, felt the urge to take out my notebook which I use for TAWG and reflect on something that Bro Terence shared about in Lcell: letting the Holy Spirit lead us. How appropriate. Especially since I came across that in the first few pages of "Power of a praying teen" too... So was writing my reflections on it and re-reading the same few pages again and writing down more stuff. So throughout the whole bus ride, was just writing and referring to the book as well. Then even when I alighted from the bus, felt the urge to stay at the busstop and finish writing what God spoke to me about. Didn't want to wait til I got home. Yeps. And as I walk from the busstop to my house, just prayed out loud for various areas in my life. Mhmm.
It's great to reach another level in my relationship with God and really encountering Him every day and not just in church. But there's still so much more that I want. I'm hoping to hear from God tomorrow about the plans He has for the school. We're supposed to wear our school uniforms to church tomorrow. I'm really looking foward to tomorrow's service. Somehow, I think some issues that I've been struggling with will be resolved soon. Heehee. Might start spending money in the bookshop tomorrow. Feel like buying more stuff. But first, shall finish "Power of a praying teen". =) From what I've skimmed through, it's a really good book. Recommended reading!
Shall remember to blog one entry on the book after I'm done reading through it. Of course, I'll probably be writing my reflections after reading in my TAWG notebook as well. Sister Serena made a very good choice when she gave me the Precious Moments notebook. =)
Ok. Did I mention that my sleeping time is so messed up? I'm getting nocturnal. I get so tired in the day but can't sleep at night. Oops? Shall make an attempt to sleep earlier tonight.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
renewed
Hmm... Today's service was much needed. As my title says, I was renewed after service today. Sure, my mood picks up and all whenever I'm in church but today was so much more than that.
Went to church with everything pushed to the back of my head. Hmm. Yay! I'm looking foward to my mum buying "Power of a Praying Teen" for me. It caught my eye in Manna and suddenly, I really wanted it. Didn't have enough cash but told my mum about it later so she said she'll buy it for me from campus crusade, this christian bookshop near her workplace. =)
Anyway, worship was really a time for me to let the tears flow. The sermon's really relevant to me. Especially the part of how to be a mighty warrior for God. Pastor Gary told us to take on the mountains in our life and to advance God's Kingdom. This line is particularly meaningful, "Don't just speak about the problem, but speak to the problem." And one bible verse that encouraged me was Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I was really hoping that there would be an altar call for this service. I needed to respond. Went up to the altar and just felt God's presence so strongly. I was crying and just asking God to take all the sorrow and pain away from me. And I've encountered God in a different way. Was prompted to fall to my knees and seek God, to be in a position of total surrender. The tears continued to flow til a point when I felt that I've lifted up everything unto Him. And one thing that I was really asking God for was joy to fill my heart once more. Most of the time, even when I face problems, there's still this child-like joy in me at simple things. But for the past week or so, it's been missing in a way. Realized this only after someone pointed it out. But after altar call, felt refreshed and renewed. Sure, it's not the first time I've felt renewed after service. My mood picks up in church as I said. But this round, I feel that it's something more than that, something different. Sure, the problem that's been causing me to be so drained hasn't been resolved and I'll still have to deal with it but somehow, I know that I'll be able to weather the storm. So for those who's been worried about me, don't worry so much, ya? I will or have already picked myself out of the moodiness and will do my best to keep myself from being moody again. =)
Went to church with everything pushed to the back of my head. Hmm. Yay! I'm looking foward to my mum buying "Power of a Praying Teen" for me. It caught my eye in Manna and suddenly, I really wanted it. Didn't have enough cash but told my mum about it later so she said she'll buy it for me from campus crusade, this christian bookshop near her workplace. =)
Anyway, worship was really a time for me to let the tears flow. The sermon's really relevant to me. Especially the part of how to be a mighty warrior for God. Pastor Gary told us to take on the mountains in our life and to advance God's Kingdom. This line is particularly meaningful, "Don't just speak about the problem, but speak to the problem." And one bible verse that encouraged me was Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I was really hoping that there would be an altar call for this service. I needed to respond. Went up to the altar and just felt God's presence so strongly. I was crying and just asking God to take all the sorrow and pain away from me. And I've encountered God in a different way. Was prompted to fall to my knees and seek God, to be in a position of total surrender. The tears continued to flow til a point when I felt that I've lifted up everything unto Him. And one thing that I was really asking God for was joy to fill my heart once more. Most of the time, even when I face problems, there's still this child-like joy in me at simple things. But for the past week or so, it's been missing in a way. Realized this only after someone pointed it out. But after altar call, felt refreshed and renewed. Sure, it's not the first time I've felt renewed after service. My mood picks up in church as I said. But this round, I feel that it's something more than that, something different. Sure, the problem that's been causing me to be so drained hasn't been resolved and I'll still have to deal with it but somehow, I know that I'll be able to weather the storm. So for those who's been worried about me, don't worry so much, ya? I will or have already picked myself out of the moodiness and will do my best to keep myself from being moody again. =)
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Emerging..
This entry is overdue by 3 days. Though it would have been nice to blog about everything related to camp in 1 entry, I had to go for dinner after blogging the previous entry and it just wasn't the same if I blogged after that. I started being distracted by other things. Any of my entries related to camp, I want them to be written when I'm fully focused on blogging. So I shall continue blogging now. =)
The last two areas that God spoke to me about: reaching out to others and giving my all. Although the first area can get me quite emotional, there's no point in avoiding that issue. In church, we're told to invite our friends for events, for services, so on.. In primary school, I wasn't really interested in going to church anyway so didn't bother inviting my friends. Secondary school.. Somehow, things changed. Especially last year and this year. In secondary 2, gloria and shao came quite a few times. This year, sammi came quite a few times too. =) But even so, my heart was never fully into saving souls for God. The whole thing about me not feeling like I fit in in church didn't help. Who would want to invite their friends when they felt so alone in church? You wouldn't want your friend to go through that too... That was what went through my mind previously. Anyway, I've sidetracked. Even after being an SP, I haven't gone all out and tried to reach out to my friends. One service during camp, the altar call was about us reaching out to our friends and the pastor was telling us to have in mind people that we want to reach out to after camp. Three names came to mind almost immediately. It hurts so much to realize how little I've done even though I value those 3 so much. I found out that a really effective form of motivation is when you think of how you'll lose those close to you because you didn't put in the effort. The tears that I've shed.. I'll be trying.
Last area that I'll want to cover about camp is how I finally acknowledged my lack of effort in so many areas. I wanted to use the word "realized" instead of "acknowledged" but then found it rather unsuitable. I know I haven't been putting in my best. But now, it's finally hit me and I chose to face the reality. When was the last time I gave my all? Or even tried hard to achieve something? Though I shouldn't look back on past glories, I think the one time I really put in effort was in Primary 5. To this day, I've no idea what I did. But that period of time, my grades had quite a dramatic improvement. But after PSLE, everything went tumbling down and I stopped bothering after awhile. Sure, I was disappointed with my grades and all in Sec 1 and 2 but still, I didn't study hard. I just mugged at the last minute. This year, I cruised along for the first semester and was rather content with my marks. Then semester 2's CAP was .. disappointing (to put it mildly). God spoke to me about my effort (or lack of it). And it wasn't just for my studies. Various other things, I haven't given as much as I can. There's probably only one area that I can say that I've given a decent amount of effort at least. But it's just one out of so many areas. Let's see.. Studies, SP, D&D, friends, family, goals, etc... Out of those I've listed so far, I can only be proud of one area. And to be honest, I'm only proud of a small part of that area of my life. The other parts of that area, I've not given my best. Ack. Shall stop being so vague. Since I've been rather honest and open, may as well continue and just state down things for how they truly are. The only area that I've put in decent amount of effort into is my friendship with one person. But I feel that I've failed in doing my part in friendships with so many others. Especially you three. I really thought that we would last forever. This past week, I've been looking back and just acknowledging my lack of effort so many times. I've never pushed myself to my limits before. I know I have the potential to do so much more but it's always been wasted. To quote my parents, "You just cruise along." I want to step out of my comfort zone and just push myself more. Of course it'll hurt but I want to try. I've lost that spirit that I had in Primary 3. Then, I wanted to try out being in the GEP even though my parents were a bit worried about me. I persuaded them by saying that "I want to try. Even if I can't last in the GEP, at least I know I've tried." Nowadays, I've stopped trying. I want to give my all once more. In fact, the only areas that I've given my all is probably giving my time and energy to those 2. It didn't matter how things would turn out, it was just instinct to give whatever I could to them. It still is, by the way. Anyway, I'm hoping that in 2007, I can push myself so much more. I know I can do so much more but only if I try and put in all I've got. How much is that? I've no idea. But I intend to find out.
The last two areas that God spoke to me about: reaching out to others and giving my all. Although the first area can get me quite emotional, there's no point in avoiding that issue. In church, we're told to invite our friends for events, for services, so on.. In primary school, I wasn't really interested in going to church anyway so didn't bother inviting my friends. Secondary school.. Somehow, things changed. Especially last year and this year. In secondary 2, gloria and shao came quite a few times. This year, sammi came quite a few times too. =) But even so, my heart was never fully into saving souls for God. The whole thing about me not feeling like I fit in in church didn't help. Who would want to invite their friends when they felt so alone in church? You wouldn't want your friend to go through that too... That was what went through my mind previously. Anyway, I've sidetracked. Even after being an SP, I haven't gone all out and tried to reach out to my friends. One service during camp, the altar call was about us reaching out to our friends and the pastor was telling us to have in mind people that we want to reach out to after camp. Three names came to mind almost immediately. It hurts so much to realize how little I've done even though I value those 3 so much. I found out that a really effective form of motivation is when you think of how you'll lose those close to you because you didn't put in the effort. The tears that I've shed.. I'll be trying.
Last area that I'll want to cover about camp is how I finally acknowledged my lack of effort in so many areas. I wanted to use the word "realized" instead of "acknowledged" but then found it rather unsuitable. I know I haven't been putting in my best. But now, it's finally hit me and I chose to face the reality. When was the last time I gave my all? Or even tried hard to achieve something? Though I shouldn't look back on past glories, I think the one time I really put in effort was in Primary 5. To this day, I've no idea what I did. But that period of time, my grades had quite a dramatic improvement. But after PSLE, everything went tumbling down and I stopped bothering after awhile. Sure, I was disappointed with my grades and all in Sec 1 and 2 but still, I didn't study hard. I just mugged at the last minute. This year, I cruised along for the first semester and was rather content with my marks. Then semester 2's CAP was .. disappointing (to put it mildly). God spoke to me about my effort (or lack of it). And it wasn't just for my studies. Various other things, I haven't given as much as I can. There's probably only one area that I can say that I've given a decent amount of effort at least. But it's just one out of so many areas. Let's see.. Studies, SP, D&D, friends, family, goals, etc... Out of those I've listed so far, I can only be proud of one area. And to be honest, I'm only proud of a small part of that area of my life. The other parts of that area, I've not given my best. Ack. Shall stop being so vague. Since I've been rather honest and open, may as well continue and just state down things for how they truly are. The only area that I've put in decent amount of effort into is my friendship with one person. But I feel that I've failed in doing my part in friendships with so many others. Especially you three. I really thought that we would last forever. This past week, I've been looking back and just acknowledging my lack of effort so many times. I've never pushed myself to my limits before. I know I have the potential to do so much more but it's always been wasted. To quote my parents, "You just cruise along." I want to step out of my comfort zone and just push myself more. Of course it'll hurt but I want to try. I've lost that spirit that I had in Primary 3. Then, I wanted to try out being in the GEP even though my parents were a bit worried about me. I persuaded them by saying that "I want to try. Even if I can't last in the GEP, at least I know I've tried." Nowadays, I've stopped trying. I want to give my all once more. In fact, the only areas that I've given my all is probably giving my time and energy to those 2. It didn't matter how things would turn out, it was just instinct to give whatever I could to them. It still is, by the way. Anyway, I'm hoping that in 2007, I can push myself so much more. I know I can do so much more but only if I try and put in all I've got. How much is that? I've no idea. But I intend to find out.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Emerge.. A new generation
I'm back from youth camp. Been looking foward to typing this blog entry. Throughout camp, there would be times when I think "Hmm.. I must blog about this, I must blog about that". The only problem is that there are a lot of things that I want to blog about. This blog entry wouldn't just be a blog entry. It would also serve the purpose of recording down what God has spoken to me about and what has been impressed upon my heart. Even before the leaders and pastors told us to write down in our camp booklets about what we received from God, that idea already came to my mind. =)
This entry is going to be edited so many times.. I want to blog while everything's still fresh in my mind. I know! I shall just blog about camp in two entries. =) One entry will be on the activities during camp and stuff like that while the other entry will be a reflection of sorts. No prizes for guessing what I'm going to blog about in this entry.
I'm not too sure how to start off my reflections on camp. Never mind, shall just type whatever comes to mind. Throughout the camp, there have been a few adult leaders who have prayed for me but I'll only blog about what 3 of them prayed about. Bro Adrian laid hands upon me and prayed this "God has impressed this word upon me: Captivate." He went on about how God wants to captivate me with his love. Throughout camp, there have been quite a few recurring thoughts in my head. One of them concerned loving God and being loved by God. A pastor raised up a good point about love and giving to your loved ones today. If you give and you expect something in return, then sooner or later, the relationship wouldn't work out. In the same way, we can't give God our praise and worship and expect him to give us back in return. Anyway, I would like to think that I've given quite a bit of myself to my friends. So how much more does God deserve? I've given so much to my friends but I've given so little to God in comparison. Ouch. It wasn't painless coming to that realization..
Sis Joanne prayed this over me, "You have been rooted and the foundation is set. God wants you to build a house for Him." She went on about building for God. Appropriate, very appropriate. I'm hesitating before I blog about my reflections on this because there are some actions that I feel I have to take but it won't be easy. So once I start blogging about it, I don't want to give up half-way. Throughout the past year, there's been this idea in my head to either form Christian fellowship as a CCA or at least have a Christian fellowship group in school. This idea probably started since the day I heard "One Way" being played in the school canteen. Subsequently, there was that time at the piano too.. But I've just rejected and dismissed it as an idea that won't work out. Guess it's cause I'm afraid and don't have the courage. It's great how God works. Last year during camp, he assured me as to how and why I managed to enter NUS High. This year, he starts showing me the plans he has for me and for the school. Now that I've blogged about it, that confirms it. I have to at least try and do something. Even if Christian fellowship isn't an actual CCA, I want to build up the Christian fellowship group(s) in school. It's going to be difficult, realized it from the start. But I want to sustain the fire inside me. It's irritating when it starts dying out awhile after camp. To quote the pastors, "There's this cycle. We all get spiritually high during camp and it lasts for a while before it dies out and then we go back to normal til the next camp."
Last prayer from an adult leader that I want to blog about is what Sis Jasmine prayed for me about, "A new mantle of leadership". Whoa. There's quite a bit that I want to blog about on leadership but can't really get my thoughts organized enough. Basically, I want to step out in faith and let God guide me. Basically, stepping out to lead in church and also in school. I have a vague idea of how the former is possible but the latter? To be honest, I am scared of what next year will bring.
There are a few more things that God spoke to me about. My lack of regular TAWG, reaching out to people and lastly, giving my all into every aspect of my life. My lack of regular time alone with God. Sighs. I really lack the self-discipline and self-control but this can't go on. I have to set aside some time each day or every alternate day. That's one way to keep the fire burning in me.
The last two areas, I think I'll blog on them separately. It hits quite a few raw nerves.
This entry is going to be edited so many times.. I want to blog while everything's still fresh in my mind. I know! I shall just blog about camp in two entries. =) One entry will be on the activities during camp and stuff like that while the other entry will be a reflection of sorts. No prizes for guessing what I'm going to blog about in this entry.
I'm not too sure how to start off my reflections on camp. Never mind, shall just type whatever comes to mind. Throughout the camp, there have been a few adult leaders who have prayed for me but I'll only blog about what 3 of them prayed about. Bro Adrian laid hands upon me and prayed this "God has impressed this word upon me: Captivate." He went on about how God wants to captivate me with his love. Throughout camp, there have been quite a few recurring thoughts in my head. One of them concerned loving God and being loved by God. A pastor raised up a good point about love and giving to your loved ones today. If you give and you expect something in return, then sooner or later, the relationship wouldn't work out. In the same way, we can't give God our praise and worship and expect him to give us back in return. Anyway, I would like to think that I've given quite a bit of myself to my friends. So how much more does God deserve? I've given so much to my friends but I've given so little to God in comparison. Ouch. It wasn't painless coming to that realization..
Sis Joanne prayed this over me, "You have been rooted and the foundation is set. God wants you to build a house for Him." She went on about building for God. Appropriate, very appropriate. I'm hesitating before I blog about my reflections on this because there are some actions that I feel I have to take but it won't be easy. So once I start blogging about it, I don't want to give up half-way. Throughout the past year, there's been this idea in my head to either form Christian fellowship as a CCA or at least have a Christian fellowship group in school. This idea probably started since the day I heard "One Way" being played in the school canteen. Subsequently, there was that time at the piano too.. But I've just rejected and dismissed it as an idea that won't work out. Guess it's cause I'm afraid and don't have the courage. It's great how God works. Last year during camp, he assured me as to how and why I managed to enter NUS High. This year, he starts showing me the plans he has for me and for the school. Now that I've blogged about it, that confirms it. I have to at least try and do something. Even if Christian fellowship isn't an actual CCA, I want to build up the Christian fellowship group(s) in school. It's going to be difficult, realized it from the start. But I want to sustain the fire inside me. It's irritating when it starts dying out awhile after camp. To quote the pastors, "There's this cycle. We all get spiritually high during camp and it lasts for a while before it dies out and then we go back to normal til the next camp."
Last prayer from an adult leader that I want to blog about is what Sis Jasmine prayed for me about, "A new mantle of leadership". Whoa. There's quite a bit that I want to blog about on leadership but can't really get my thoughts organized enough. Basically, I want to step out in faith and let God guide me. Basically, stepping out to lead in church and also in school. I have a vague idea of how the former is possible but the latter? To be honest, I am scared of what next year will bring.
There are a few more things that God spoke to me about. My lack of regular TAWG, reaching out to people and lastly, giving my all into every aspect of my life. My lack of regular time alone with God. Sighs. I really lack the self-discipline and self-control but this can't go on. I have to set aside some time each day or every alternate day. That's one way to keep the fire burning in me.
The last two areas, I think I'll blog on them separately. It hits quite a few raw nerves.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
before Emerge
To be honest, I got to admit that I'm a bit reluctant to blog this type of entries once more. The last time, those entries brought about quite a bit of conflict between me and my friends.. But anyway, here goes.
One more day to Emerge! For those not from church, that's the theme of my church's youth camp for this year. I'm intending to blog an entry on my expectations, feelings before the camp. Then afterwards, compare it to the entry that I'll have after the camp. =)
Yay. I'm thankful that I've been allowed to go for the camp. At first, parents disapproved because of the original location but after the location was changed, parents gave permission straightaway. Then there was my grandfather's condition to consider..
There's one thing that's going to be different this camp compared to the previous two camps I've been to, the position that I've been placed at. When I received the call from Sister Jas, the first feeling was that I was overjoyed. Deep down, I was hoping that I would have a chance to be in a leadership position. Yayness. =) I'm assistant leader of one of the groups. The contradictory thing is I normally avoid leading as it means being in the spotlight. There are other reasons why I avoid being a leader such as a sense of inadequency and feeling that there are others more well-equipped to lead. Or the issue that was on my mind before I became an SP, "How can I expect to lead others in the right way when I feel so lost in my life?" You get the general idea. Yet, I was happy. And I've no idea why I wanted the position. But honestly, I'm still nervous. But the leader's briefing was enjoyable and did help calm me down a bit and I was given some assurance by the adults said. Mhmm. =)
I'm expecting quite a few things from the camp. Each year, my expectations for camp have been met beyond what I expected. Each youth camp has changed me a bit but to be honest, it only lasts for a while. The fire within me dies out after awhile. But somehow, there's this anticipation inside of me. I just sense that I will change quite a bit after camp. Whether it's me being more confident/comfortable being in leadership positions or something else, I've no idea. But to quote my MSN nickname, "I know I will change, for the better. Will you all see it that way?" I guess there's still a bit of insecurities in me after the previous incident. Didn't realize it. Only a few of you have known me when I was really passionate about running after God. Honestly, I haven't shouted my faith out loud. Why? I've got to ask myself that too.
One last thing to round up this entry. The previous time, someone I hold dear to me was hurt because the person felt worthless since my relationship with God, going to church, etc seemed to be the only thing that made me happy. My friends felt worthless. But I want to get this clear. Yes, I am happy and my spirits are lifted up in service especially when I encounter God's presence. But no, that's not the only thing that makes me happy. I value my friends so much. So here's a promise that I'll make to my friends. No matter how I've changed after the camp, my friends will always be important to me. I just hope that even if I do change, the way you treat me won't. Other than being nervous, I'm scared too..
One more day to Emerge! For those not from church, that's the theme of my church's youth camp for this year. I'm intending to blog an entry on my expectations, feelings before the camp. Then afterwards, compare it to the entry that I'll have after the camp. =)
Yay. I'm thankful that I've been allowed to go for the camp. At first, parents disapproved because of the original location but after the location was changed, parents gave permission straightaway. Then there was my grandfather's condition to consider..
There's one thing that's going to be different this camp compared to the previous two camps I've been to, the position that I've been placed at. When I received the call from Sister Jas, the first feeling was that I was overjoyed. Deep down, I was hoping that I would have a chance to be in a leadership position. Yayness. =) I'm assistant leader of one of the groups. The contradictory thing is I normally avoid leading as it means being in the spotlight. There are other reasons why I avoid being a leader such as a sense of inadequency and feeling that there are others more well-equipped to lead. Or the issue that was on my mind before I became an SP, "How can I expect to lead others in the right way when I feel so lost in my life?" You get the general idea. Yet, I was happy. And I've no idea why I wanted the position. But honestly, I'm still nervous. But the leader's briefing was enjoyable and did help calm me down a bit and I was given some assurance by the adults said. Mhmm. =)
I'm expecting quite a few things from the camp. Each year, my expectations for camp have been met beyond what I expected. Each youth camp has changed me a bit but to be honest, it only lasts for a while. The fire within me dies out after awhile. But somehow, there's this anticipation inside of me. I just sense that I will change quite a bit after camp. Whether it's me being more confident/comfortable being in leadership positions or something else, I've no idea. But to quote my MSN nickname, "I know I will change, for the better. Will you all see it that way?" I guess there's still a bit of insecurities in me after the previous incident. Didn't realize it. Only a few of you have known me when I was really passionate about running after God. Honestly, I haven't shouted my faith out loud. Why? I've got to ask myself that too.
One last thing to round up this entry. The previous time, someone I hold dear to me was hurt because the person felt worthless since my relationship with God, going to church, etc seemed to be the only thing that made me happy. My friends felt worthless. But I want to get this clear. Yes, I am happy and my spirits are lifted up in service especially when I encounter God's presence. But no, that's not the only thing that makes me happy. I value my friends so much. So here's a promise that I'll make to my friends. No matter how I've changed after the camp, my friends will always be important to me. I just hope that even if I do change, the way you treat me won't. Other than being nervous, I'm scared too..
Friday, November 03, 2006
Prayer. Thanks.
Hmm... During the later part of lcell, had this urge to blog about what was shared and covered today. Then later, felt like blogging more about various stuff that hit me this week. Mhmm. So even though I really should go sleep soon, I felt like blogging first.
Bro Andy asked us this question, "If God was to grant you one prayer request, what would you ask for?" (Apart from wanting more prayer requests to be granted. =p) The first answer that came to mind just really shows how I have changed and yet how my priorities are still very similar. I'll be open, ya? The first answer was the good health of my friend. After giving more thought to the question, my answer changed a bit. This is what I replied, "My prayer request would be that for my friends and family to be happy and in good health." Anyway, Bro Andy continued on by saying that since that's our prayer request, that would mean it's the top on our priority list. 2nd question: "How often do you pray for that?" It was just a question for us to think about and we didn't have to share. But yes, I've changed compared to one year ago? Just talking about prayer alone, I've changed. For the better, I would like to think. I'll just briefly cover the rest of what was covered concerning prayer during lcell then I'll add my own reflections.
To have faith that our prayers will be answered. Persevere and keep on praying. Pray together with others. To have the right motives for our prayers. Approach God in prayer with a pure heart.
Honestly, I grew up only praying during service or when I'm about to have an exam and then I start panicking and praying to God. But over the course of this year and last, there's been a marked difference. Yes, I still have numerous prayer requests and most of the time, pray to God for help. But there have been also times when I pray to thank God for how He has blessed me so much. Especially this year. And one more thing about my prayer requests, they're no longer centered around me. So often, I'm asking God to help my friends in their lives and stuff like that. Even this week, during the exam period. Yeps, for those 3 in school.
Think I've covered what I want about prayer. For now. Not done blogging yet though. =p Want to blog about the various essay questions in the english exam. The questions were all so nice to write about! =) As in, I enjoy blogging about those topics and such but prefer not to do a formal essay. =p Oops? Can only remember 3 out of 5. But anyway, shall list the two questions that I was deciding between. We were supposed to write an argumentative essay on one of the questions.
1. Friends are more important than family.
2. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
The 2nd question was what I wrote about. Obviously, I don't agree with that saying. It might apply to some people but it's rarely ever been that way for me. Words can hurt me so much. Mhmm. To those who've been around me and really know me, you should know how I'm like and what gets me up and what gets me down. Yeps. Though at times, I want to have this shield that prevents me from being hurt so easily due to my character, I won't be me if I have a shield. Got to thank someone for pointing it out a few months ago. There isn't really much I want to blog about for this question. Not really. Just that it's so not true for me?
1st question is a lot harder. My first priority used to be my family during primary school days and even to a good degree of lower secondary. But things have changed. I value my friends a lot more nowadays compared to last time. If I was given a choice to pick between family and friends, I have no idea. And that's what worries me. I was so naive last time. I used to think that because of the good relations between me and my parents, things wouldn't change when I become a teen. -coughs- As if. Things have changed. I have changed. Oh well. Enough dwelling on such issues now.
Lastly, I want to spend the rest of this entry thanking various people. Mel was constantly pointing out how cute I am during dinner and all. And I was trying to figure out why I'm so much more hyper and act cute so often nowadays. Yeps. Certain reasons came to mind. And of course, I've got to thank certain people for brightening up my life or making me realize various things which cause me to enjoy life more and stuff like that. In no particular order...
Melanie: Thank you for being someone who I can talk to in church and have dinner together with. You've helped me feel a greater sense of belonging in church. And your positive mood is contagious. Like how you being so happy to see me just brings my mood up. =) With you, I can go "crazy" and just joke around but I can also talk to you. Thank you!
Tian Cheng: You've helped me appreciate the "kid" in me more. You give me more reason why I should keep finding joy in simple things, never really knew how my joy at things could affect others positively. So more than ever, I can find the joy in seemingly simple things. And thank you for the reassurance that you give. It really helps and lifts my mood up.
Renee: It's great when I can just go hyper and keep you amused. And then after I did that for some time at the beginning of the year, you start getting more hyper. =) Thank you (for the don't know how many time) for being willing to occupy me when I'm on the bus and stuff like that. Mhmm! =) You make school so much more fun and bearable. Not even covering how you've helped me academically. Mhmm.
Ok. There are others that I want to thank like samantha, Vanessa, Isaac and the list continues... But right now, I really should go and sleep soon. So sorry if I didn't mention you in this entry or something. But yes, the past few months of this year has been really enjoyable. I thank you all for bringing out the "kid" in me even more. Especially those 3 in school and Mel.
One last thing that I want to say. To all my friends: No matter how things are, were or will be, I don't regret knowing any one of you all.
Bro Andy asked us this question, "If God was to grant you one prayer request, what would you ask for?" (Apart from wanting more prayer requests to be granted. =p) The first answer that came to mind just really shows how I have changed and yet how my priorities are still very similar. I'll be open, ya? The first answer was the good health of my friend. After giving more thought to the question, my answer changed a bit. This is what I replied, "My prayer request would be that for my friends and family to be happy and in good health." Anyway, Bro Andy continued on by saying that since that's our prayer request, that would mean it's the top on our priority list. 2nd question: "How often do you pray for that?" It was just a question for us to think about and we didn't have to share. But yes, I've changed compared to one year ago? Just talking about prayer alone, I've changed. For the better, I would like to think. I'll just briefly cover the rest of what was covered concerning prayer during lcell then I'll add my own reflections.
To have faith that our prayers will be answered. Persevere and keep on praying. Pray together with others. To have the right motives for our prayers. Approach God in prayer with a pure heart.
Honestly, I grew up only praying during service or when I'm about to have an exam and then I start panicking and praying to God. But over the course of this year and last, there's been a marked difference. Yes, I still have numerous prayer requests and most of the time, pray to God for help. But there have been also times when I pray to thank God for how He has blessed me so much. Especially this year. And one more thing about my prayer requests, they're no longer centered around me. So often, I'm asking God to help my friends in their lives and stuff like that. Even this week, during the exam period. Yeps, for those 3 in school.
Think I've covered what I want about prayer. For now. Not done blogging yet though. =p Want to blog about the various essay questions in the english exam. The questions were all so nice to write about! =) As in, I enjoy blogging about those topics and such but prefer not to do a formal essay. =p Oops? Can only remember 3 out of 5. But anyway, shall list the two questions that I was deciding between. We were supposed to write an argumentative essay on one of the questions.
1. Friends are more important than family.
2. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
The 2nd question was what I wrote about. Obviously, I don't agree with that saying. It might apply to some people but it's rarely ever been that way for me. Words can hurt me so much. Mhmm. To those who've been around me and really know me, you should know how I'm like and what gets me up and what gets me down. Yeps. Though at times, I want to have this shield that prevents me from being hurt so easily due to my character, I won't be me if I have a shield. Got to thank someone for pointing it out a few months ago. There isn't really much I want to blog about for this question. Not really. Just that it's so not true for me?
1st question is a lot harder. My first priority used to be my family during primary school days and even to a good degree of lower secondary. But things have changed. I value my friends a lot more nowadays compared to last time. If I was given a choice to pick between family and friends, I have no idea. And that's what worries me. I was so naive last time. I used to think that because of the good relations between me and my parents, things wouldn't change when I become a teen. -coughs- As if. Things have changed. I have changed. Oh well. Enough dwelling on such issues now.
Lastly, I want to spend the rest of this entry thanking various people. Mel was constantly pointing out how cute I am during dinner and all. And I was trying to figure out why I'm so much more hyper and act cute so often nowadays. Yeps. Certain reasons came to mind. And of course, I've got to thank certain people for brightening up my life or making me realize various things which cause me to enjoy life more and stuff like that. In no particular order...
Melanie: Thank you for being someone who I can talk to in church and have dinner together with. You've helped me feel a greater sense of belonging in church. And your positive mood is contagious. Like how you being so happy to see me just brings my mood up. =) With you, I can go "crazy" and just joke around but I can also talk to you. Thank you!
Tian Cheng: You've helped me appreciate the "kid" in me more. You give me more reason why I should keep finding joy in simple things, never really knew how my joy at things could affect others positively. So more than ever, I can find the joy in seemingly simple things. And thank you for the reassurance that you give. It really helps and lifts my mood up.
Renee: It's great when I can just go hyper and keep you amused. And then after I did that for some time at the beginning of the year, you start getting more hyper. =) Thank you (for the don't know how many time) for being willing to occupy me when I'm on the bus and stuff like that. Mhmm! =) You make school so much more fun and bearable. Not even covering how you've helped me academically. Mhmm.
Ok. There are others that I want to thank like samantha, Vanessa, Isaac and the list continues... But right now, I really should go and sleep soon. So sorry if I didn't mention you in this entry or something. But yes, the past few months of this year has been really enjoyable. I thank you all for bringing out the "kid" in me even more. Especially those 3 in school and Mel.
One last thing that I want to say. To all my friends: No matter how things are, were or will be, I don't regret knowing any one of you all.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
joy and sorrow.
There are quite a few things that I want to blog about but most of them aren't things for this public blog. Pft. Never mind.
More than ever, I thank God for directing me at the end of last year. While entering NUS High hasn't always been that smooth-sailing despite how things might seem, I don't regret the decision I made. It's been hitting me these two days how this school served as a resting place for me but it'll also be the next "battle-field". But I really don't mind. I've had my chance to rest. At least I had that.
And it's great to know that I haven't changed much. Really. But yes, I just want to say that no matter how things might seem to be, I'm still me. I'm thankful that I can still be happy over simple things such as walking home from the busstop and feeling the breeze and enjoying the view of the night sky. During F.U.E.L today, I gushed over a powerpoint background. But yes, it's nice to know that I'm still me. Various other events have proved it. And because I'm still me, my priorities hasn't changed. So to you, all you need to do is call and I'll do my best to be there. Even now. No matter what. I made a promise to you and I still intend to keep it. There.
More than ever, I thank God for directing me at the end of last year. While entering NUS High hasn't always been that smooth-sailing despite how things might seem, I don't regret the decision I made. It's been hitting me these two days how this school served as a resting place for me but it'll also be the next "battle-field". But I really don't mind. I've had my chance to rest. At least I had that.
And it's great to know that I haven't changed much. Really. But yes, I just want to say that no matter how things might seem to be, I'm still me. I'm thankful that I can still be happy over simple things such as walking home from the busstop and feeling the breeze and enjoying the view of the night sky. During F.U.E.L today, I gushed over a powerpoint background. But yes, it's nice to know that I'm still me. Various other events have proved it. And because I'm still me, my priorities hasn't changed. So to you, all you need to do is call and I'll do my best to be there. Even now. No matter what. I made a promise to you and I still intend to keep it. There.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
realizations...
The last time I blogged was 5 days ago. So many things have changed in such a short time. Things changing not really referring to situations and all but rather more of something inside of me.
Memories. Snapshots of past times. Most of the stuff that I've been wanting to blog about concerned these few things. Don't really know how to start blogging. My thoughts are still rather disorganized. And trying to blog using chronological order doesn't work. Hmm... Ok. Let me just do a quick recount of the previous days first then work on that. Been spending most of the time in church from wednesday to friday because of Life Conference. It's been refreshing. Just like how I didn't want last year IGNYTE conference in June to end, I didn't want it to end. Not yet anyway.
I haven't even touched on what I've wanted to blog about. Haiz. Ok. Hmm. There's been so many times where various sceneshots from the past just fill my mind. And it's almost always the same few... I feel like blogging about some of them. The one that's rather interesting is one in which I was at the balcony in Nanyang last year. Time for a quick explanation for those who don't really understand what I'm talking about. Last year in nanyang, our class had a balcony and I would retreat there quite a fair bit. Yes, note the usage of the word "retreat"... Anyway, I think I've cried a fair bit out on the balcony. But there's this time that keeps flashing through my head. I was feeling rather down and all. Looking at the sky and singing Christian songs just to let it all out? At that time, sadness and all was really all I felt. But right now, as I look back to those times at the balcony, I miss it so so much. It's been quite a while since I turned to God with such desperation... And other than that, that time was just a retreat, just like how Sentosa became a retreat too...
There are of course a few other snapshots from the past that kept going through my head during Life Conference. The other one was from DL days... I can't remember the time and all but I do remember just crying at the altar and Pastor Priscilla was there praying for me and my mum came over and hugged me. Haiz... I have a fairly good idea what I was crying about. Oh well... That sceneshot coupled with the singing of a song from DL days made me think about how it's been in church the past few years. Things have changed... A lot. Internal and external.
Other things have been triggering off various memories and sceneshots. A lot of stuff and a lot of memories... Even that day when I was packing my cupboard and making it neater, folding the clothes could bring me back to the past. Certain pieces of clothes mean quite a lot to me. One reason why I'm reluctant to throw some of it away.
Enough about memories and all though. A bit more about Life conference. It's been good. The issues that God spoke to me about were what I've been avoiding. The same few things... There are always images that go through my head a lot, either sceneshots from the past or just images. It used to be that of a rope almost cut into two pieces and was just being held together by a few strands of thread and a few other images which I rather not blog about. It's changed... During altar call, some images came into my head. Situations that I didn't think about before, situations I would not have thought possible... Well. It's time to believe, isn't it? I want those images to come true. I believe they will, one day.
Memories. Snapshots of past times. Most of the stuff that I've been wanting to blog about concerned these few things. Don't really know how to start blogging. My thoughts are still rather disorganized. And trying to blog using chronological order doesn't work. Hmm... Ok. Let me just do a quick recount of the previous days first then work on that. Been spending most of the time in church from wednesday to friday because of Life Conference. It's been refreshing. Just like how I didn't want last year IGNYTE conference in June to end, I didn't want it to end. Not yet anyway.
I haven't even touched on what I've wanted to blog about. Haiz. Ok. Hmm. There's been so many times where various sceneshots from the past just fill my mind. And it's almost always the same few... I feel like blogging about some of them. The one that's rather interesting is one in which I was at the balcony in Nanyang last year. Time for a quick explanation for those who don't really understand what I'm talking about. Last year in nanyang, our class had a balcony and I would retreat there quite a fair bit. Yes, note the usage of the word "retreat"... Anyway, I think I've cried a fair bit out on the balcony. But there's this time that keeps flashing through my head. I was feeling rather down and all. Looking at the sky and singing Christian songs just to let it all out? At that time, sadness and all was really all I felt. But right now, as I look back to those times at the balcony, I miss it so so much. It's been quite a while since I turned to God with such desperation... And other than that, that time was just a retreat, just like how Sentosa became a retreat too...
There are of course a few other snapshots from the past that kept going through my head during Life Conference. The other one was from DL days... I can't remember the time and all but I do remember just crying at the altar and Pastor Priscilla was there praying for me and my mum came over and hugged me. Haiz... I have a fairly good idea what I was crying about. Oh well... That sceneshot coupled with the singing of a song from DL days made me think about how it's been in church the past few years. Things have changed... A lot. Internal and external.
Other things have been triggering off various memories and sceneshots. A lot of stuff and a lot of memories... Even that day when I was packing my cupboard and making it neater, folding the clothes could bring me back to the past. Certain pieces of clothes mean quite a lot to me. One reason why I'm reluctant to throw some of it away.
Enough about memories and all though. A bit more about Life conference. It's been good. The issues that God spoke to me about were what I've been avoiding. The same few things... There are always images that go through my head a lot, either sceneshots from the past or just images. It used to be that of a rope almost cut into two pieces and was just being held together by a few strands of thread and a few other images which I rather not blog about. It's changed... During altar call, some images came into my head. Situations that I didn't think about before, situations I would not have thought possible... Well. It's time to believe, isn't it? I want those images to come true. I believe they will, one day.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
That missing piece of the puzzle
Well, my current blogskin doesn't show the title of my entry which is both good and bad, I guess. This time, the title's too much of a giveaway to what I want to write about and we can't have that, can we? Considering that I have every intention of making this blog entry as vague as possible. So ya... Let's see if I can do that.
Let's see. Service. The sermon didn't really speak out to me but rather, it was the time when we were supposed to just close our eyes and listen for God's voice. This image was constantly in my mind. Then altar call. I didn't go up cause I didn't really fit into any of the groups. But in my seat, I was being touched by God. The song "Rescue". Mel or isaac, if you have that song, can send to me next time? Hmm. Realization, that I was so close to repeating the process of last year. Moodiness, depression, tears. Letting go of some things. I've never been good at letting go. Still aren't. But it's like the list just got longer. Relationships, emotions, etc...
FUEL. Erm... Sad that I had to leave half-way. Then when making my way to dinner, I was like calling up people and asking them to call with me on the phone. Thanks Renee and Glo. =) But ya. Even the wanting to talk to someone was telling. It made me realized... Oh well. Dinner. Erm... Felt out of place? Never did like eating in such an enviroment. Doesn't suit me? Anyway, after dinner, went to check out some "Hark Music Cafe". Cousin was having her ROM there. As the name implies, it's cafe with a stage. For karaoke purposes? Anyway, the whole family was just sitting there stoning. I was no exception. Hmm. Then I started thinking... Erm. Ya. The same thing that I realized just now? Ouch. It came back and hit me on the head again. So ya... Not good. Anyway, have I mentioned that it's actually relaxing to stare at the flame of a candle? Haha. Was playing with the camera in my phone and took a picture of the flame emitting blue light. =) Whee!
Sighs. I think I've still not covered what I want to but I think I rather not. Sighs. This entry doesn't make much sense, right?
Let's see. Service. The sermon didn't really speak out to me but rather, it was the time when we were supposed to just close our eyes and listen for God's voice. This image was constantly in my mind. Then altar call. I didn't go up cause I didn't really fit into any of the groups. But in my seat, I was being touched by God. The song "Rescue". Mel or isaac, if you have that song, can send to me next time? Hmm. Realization, that I was so close to repeating the process of last year. Moodiness, depression, tears. Letting go of some things. I've never been good at letting go. Still aren't. But it's like the list just got longer. Relationships, emotions, etc...
FUEL. Erm... Sad that I had to leave half-way. Then when making my way to dinner, I was like calling up people and asking them to call with me on the phone. Thanks Renee and Glo. =) But ya. Even the wanting to talk to someone was telling. It made me realized... Oh well. Dinner. Erm... Felt out of place? Never did like eating in such an enviroment. Doesn't suit me? Anyway, after dinner, went to check out some "Hark Music Cafe". Cousin was having her ROM there. As the name implies, it's cafe with a stage. For karaoke purposes? Anyway, the whole family was just sitting there stoning. I was no exception. Hmm. Then I started thinking... Erm. Ya. The same thing that I realized just now? Ouch. It came back and hit me on the head again. So ya... Not good. Anyway, have I mentioned that it's actually relaxing to stare at the flame of a candle? Haha. Was playing with the camera in my phone and took a picture of the flame emitting blue light. =) Whee!
Sighs. I think I've still not covered what I want to but I think I rather not. Sighs. This entry doesn't make much sense, right?
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Infused - Youth Camp 05
Ok... This is my second draft of my entry on church camp... Had some change in ideas and all so I've decided to rewrite everything. I don't think all those reading would be interested in a activity by activity recount so will blog about the things that touched my heart.
The first night's service: Defuse
Hmm... The sermon spoke to me about things that I didn't want to confront with for a long time. Anger, softening of my heart, sin... I guess it's time to be honest. Anger in my heart towards, him - my father. It's not easy typing it out but yes. After a talk with jeann on sat, I realize that though God spoke to me, it's still a struggle to let everything down. But on that night, it was a relief to cry out the tears that I've been waiting to release.
Hmm... Actually, for the second day's service... I was still dealing with the same issue though the sermon topic was different. But yes, it's hard to let go of something that's so complex. A burden that's been eating at me for so long. Then, there were the war games at night. Hmm... There were some things that I really enjoyed. The unity as a team... Even though we had to go against the other "army".
The third day's morning service: Infused for Impossibilities
Ezekiel 37 - The valley of dry bones.
Ouch. The emotional pain when I recalled the valleys in the past year. And I kind of had an idea of the valleys that I would encounter in the new year. Ouch. My heart can already feel the pain. Yet, God spoke to me and reminded me. There would not be any obstacle that I cannot handle. God would fill me with His Strenght.
Night service: Infused with God's mantle
The whole key point of the sermon or at least the part that impacted me most was dying to myself. Dying to myself. No, it's not a physical action. Rather, it's dying to my rights, my dreams, my ambitions. At first, before the service, I felt that there wasn't really anything that I held onto that dearly... Other than my parents and jonathan, of course. But God spoke to me and asked me, "Would I be willing to not take art as my humanities subject next year?" Ouch. I didn't realize that I held on to that decision, that choice so much. It hurt when I gave up my art lessons and it's always been a regret that I had to give it up. But now, when I could fulfil my dream again and now God's asking me to let it go. It hurt so much. I was holding on to it and took a well to let it go. Even now, if God says not to take art as one of my subject, I will give it up. Reluctantly. I admit. But I will. That really taught me how to give up something close to my heart. But yes, I still have to work hard to improve myself in that area. As you will realize if you read on...
The last day's sermon: Made for mission
I didn't really think I would be as touched by God that day but I was wrong. That shows why God's God. =) When we went for altar call, God spoke to me and gave me my answer to a question that I've been asking for a long time. How did I get into NUS High? My confidence level has been low this year so that question was really uppermost in my mind as some people know... But God answered me. It's because God chose me to be there. That's the reason why. It was by God's will that I got in. So it was really a relief to hear the answer.
Hmm... Due to time constraints, shall end the blog entry. But have you all realized? The entry's only about how God touched me. One or two more things I want to blog about. Dinner after camp and saturday... And lastly, I want to thank several people. Shall blog about it on my MSN space, most likely, ok? Good night.
The first night's service: Defuse
Hmm... The sermon spoke to me about things that I didn't want to confront with for a long time. Anger, softening of my heart, sin... I guess it's time to be honest. Anger in my heart towards, him - my father. It's not easy typing it out but yes. After a talk with jeann on sat, I realize that though God spoke to me, it's still a struggle to let everything down. But on that night, it was a relief to cry out the tears that I've been waiting to release.
Hmm... Actually, for the second day's service... I was still dealing with the same issue though the sermon topic was different. But yes, it's hard to let go of something that's so complex. A burden that's been eating at me for so long. Then, there were the war games at night. Hmm... There were some things that I really enjoyed. The unity as a team... Even though we had to go against the other "army".
The third day's morning service: Infused for Impossibilities
Ezekiel 37 - The valley of dry bones.
Ouch. The emotional pain when I recalled the valleys in the past year. And I kind of had an idea of the valleys that I would encounter in the new year. Ouch. My heart can already feel the pain. Yet, God spoke to me and reminded me. There would not be any obstacle that I cannot handle. God would fill me with His Strenght.
Night service: Infused with God's mantle
The whole key point of the sermon or at least the part that impacted me most was dying to myself. Dying to myself. No, it's not a physical action. Rather, it's dying to my rights, my dreams, my ambitions. At first, before the service, I felt that there wasn't really anything that I held onto that dearly... Other than my parents and jonathan, of course. But God spoke to me and asked me, "Would I be willing to not take art as my humanities subject next year?" Ouch. I didn't realize that I held on to that decision, that choice so much. It hurt when I gave up my art lessons and it's always been a regret that I had to give it up. But now, when I could fulfil my dream again and now God's asking me to let it go. It hurt so much. I was holding on to it and took a well to let it go. Even now, if God says not to take art as one of my subject, I will give it up. Reluctantly. I admit. But I will. That really taught me how to give up something close to my heart. But yes, I still have to work hard to improve myself in that area. As you will realize if you read on...
The last day's sermon: Made for mission
I didn't really think I would be as touched by God that day but I was wrong. That shows why God's God. =) When we went for altar call, God spoke to me and gave me my answer to a question that I've been asking for a long time. How did I get into NUS High? My confidence level has been low this year so that question was really uppermost in my mind as some people know... But God answered me. It's because God chose me to be there. That's the reason why. It was by God's will that I got in. So it was really a relief to hear the answer.
Hmm... Due to time constraints, shall end the blog entry. But have you all realized? The entry's only about how God touched me. One or two more things I want to blog about. Dinner after camp and saturday... And lastly, I want to thank several people. Shall blog about it on my MSN space, most likely, ok? Good night.
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