Abortion, sorrow.

Actually wanted to blog a long post but due to time constraints...
Today had sci lesson and ms chee showed us the video on abortion
Hui Shi and kor had already prepared me for the "gruesomeness" of the video so i thot it'll b ok...
But as i watched the video, this sorrow just came from within me..
I had thought about past incidents.. So as the guy in the video was talking, i was like trying not to cry but failing... So by the time the video ended, I was like couldn't talk otherwise i'll cry somemore.. Then ms chee was like "if any1 feels uncomfortable after watching this video, u can come and talk to me." Then she came over to me and asked if i was alright. Nice of her but i just can't talk to her.. Asked Glo to just help me fend off comments and just escaped to the balcony.
But heard Lim Yu saying "This is all propaganda.." I don't know mayb i was too emotional but she was lucky i didn't go over and slap her or tell her to shut up... Those who know me know i'm hardly that angry but Lim Yu was lucky... When she laughed during the video, i was already quite upset at her and also bcos of bad memories...
Went to the balcony and just cried the pain out and sang christian songs and asked God to give me strength but still I couldn't help but feel upset... Thought I was strong enough and had put the past behind me but now, I realized the truth... Still am very emotional when it comes to this topic... But thanks to Glo, Shao and Hui Shi who cheered me up and comforted me, i stopped crying but it still hurt inside... Thanks Shao for making me laugh! =) decided to go venezia to cheer myself up and then even went to 7 eleven after that for slurpee but when I came back, I knew that i was still upset, just not showing it...
God, I know that there was a reason for what happened but please, I need you to give me the strength. I just can't survive through science, especially for this topic..
Those reading this, i'm choosing not to put the content of the video down cos there's no point. Refer to gan jie's blog... Cos if i write anymore, I'll break down again...
Gtg now. Rush out hw, where got the mood???

Changes to my life..

Back from Malacca at long last even though it was only a 3d/2n trip...
It was my 6th time going there.. but this time, i spent so much $$... feels so guilty..
As usual, just went to the normal few places but each time I go malacca, there are a few things that i just must buy like keychains, batik shirt, etc...
Then ate like durian chendol that was so sweet... twice...
Breakfast was continental breakfast and my dad got me hooked on eating bread with butter and sugar.. Very sweet but doesn't really mattter, I have a sweet tooth...
Bought a nice necklace and decided to buy for my 3 closeset frenz too... Kor, relax, it's not those "girly" necklaces, i think u'll like it.
Just walked around, bought things, ate and slept. Quite relaxing actually
And of course, even though i brought hw there, who actually does hw during the holiday?? =p
Due to lack of space in the hotel room, i slept on the floor.. It was actually quite fun sleeping in the sleeping bag. Very cozy...
Not much more to write about other than my shock at the fact that i spent quite a bit on this trip and that i bought some things i didn't think i'll buy again... which equals to buying repeats of some souvenoirs...(is that how u spell it?) but anyway, was quite glad to b back in singapore. just missed blogging, msn, etc...Sigh, how addictive technology is..
Anyway, in the few hours i was back, just found out some things i wish i never found out... But then again, if i didn't find out, i would b kept in the dark which i dun like.. Conflicting, isn't it?? Oh, did i fail to mention that 2 nites ago, i had this dream that freaked me out... It seemed so real but if it comes true, my life will so be turned upside down... But sincerely hope it's just a dream...
Being quite random today cos in the mood to just rattle off. So sorry if my blog entry gets confusing...

Unpredictable

My last blog entry's mood was depressed, upset, etc..
It'll be such a change from the blog entry today.. Qu guo tian qing le.
Yesterday, got some assignments back. Marks weren't lik very gd or what, but it's above average so quite satisfied lah..
Then bowling... It rocks! Went over to bowl with sufen, noreen, vanessa and xin yan. Finally had a chance to play game after so long... First game: 97, 2nd game: 114, 3rd game: 131! I know some might consider this low but at least it makes my average above 110, finally... Besides, 131's my new high score.. Then went home still in such a good mood and surfed the net til mum told me to take care of baby brother.. sighs.
Today was quite normal lah, the usual lesson, etc. Not much to blog abt actually other than the fact that hui shi has just infected me with this urge to decorate the front page of my notebooks just like her... Random quotes, lyrics, feelings all filled the cover.. You wouldn't understand til u see the notebook..
Now i know what to blog about... During assembly, Mr Tan showed this extracts from this blog.. This guy/gal was insulting Nanyang girls just because of one case then he fit all of us into this stereotype.. That's a bit unfair, don't you agree?? Never mind, shall not devote all the time to this guy. No point..
Got to go and rush out homework so bye bye.

Disagreements... Sorry.

Hope i can verbalize my thoughts now about what has happened...
Today, it was the usual about Jared and his actions... I tried to defend him but that made matters worse... Hui Shi, Gloria and Shao, i know you think that Jared's a "foot-washing baptist" and that you will cling on to what you believe regardless of whatever i say. I have realized that all this retorting is wearing me down and in a way, affecting our friendship so from today onwards, i shall try my best not to make any comments on this subject...
Regarding our friendship, I shall address this once and for all. i treasure your friendship and i know that we have our differences. But this is driving us apart slowly... Hui Shi, what i m going 2 say won't b much of a surprise to u but for the rest... Ever since the end of last year, I knew that this year won't b easy and that our friendship would be put to the test.. You can blame me for that, it doesn't matter. I admit that I'm the one changing but even though it'll hurt if i lose ur friendship bcos i choose to follow my beliefs, I've been prepared for that.
Gan jie, i noe ur reaction. But I just want to say, you will always be my gan jie no matter what, whether you choose to accept my choice in changing my lifestyle and my beliefs, it doesn't matter... I want to be your friend and to be there for you. No matter what, I promise to lend you that listening ear...
To shao kor, I noe that when i change, you might not accept it, you will most probably give me the cold shoulder but kor, u'll always be my kor and no matter what, i'll always remember the fun i had bullying you... lol =p
Gloria, you listened to me and i thank you for that. But even though u will probably be able to accept the changes better than the rest, I know there are still areas in which we disagree... Glo, I had so much happiness laughing at ur "blurness" and I will always remember how you cheered me up even though you weren't in a too gd mood urself. Thanks
To all of you, I hope we can still be firm friends and be like last time, but that's not possible. What ever happens after this, thanks for being my friends and bring such happiness and joy to my life...
This blog sounds like I'm abt to leave you all or something, doesn't it? Dunno why i m writing all this but it just came out and i just typed it... Promise to get a tagboard soon for all ur comments...

One week, mood swings yet again...

Just a quick blog entry about MEW (Maths Enrichment Workshop) first... Then will get to the main purpose of today's entry...
MEW was quite fun lah... The games were ok lah. Fav part was the maths trail... Turns out some of the places i was quite familiar with so teammates thot i very "pro"... you ze zhong shi?? Sigh, wish i could have entered jigsaw puzzle world though..
Don't really feel like blogging abt MEW so it's just this few lines, more details, ask me in person/thru email. But i doubt any1 of u all that wu liao...
Fast foward to Sat.. Forgot that I had CSP and went for piano or at least was on the way there, when Vanessa called. Thanks Vanessa for calling me otherwise i die liao. Went sungei buloh and spotted cute, cute squirrel... then later spotted countless mudskippers and crabs.. Then was sent back to sch where i realized never bring wallet... So had to ask strangers for coins.. So weird?
Went church to help with the worship experience decorations but half way went for cell. Cell was quite fun lah, play some games then later was released a bit late. I couldn't help but rush down to the chapel just to see the decorations... So sad... I couldn't stay for the worship experience, had to go for hong ming kor kor's wedding.
Went there then sat thru all those ceremony.. But when I heard the wedding vows being spoken, i couldn't help but get a bit bitter...
Flashback to the past...
When some people said these vows yet just because of his character, he broke it... What do these vows even mean to him?? Was it just words that he said? He caused my tears... the sorrow, the pain. I wasn't the only one affected but did he care? NO! I'm normally not so bitter and i thot i forgived him but still, I can't help being bitter. He promised and made the vow, was given chances time and time again but? He still chose the other route not caring abt me... But that was just the start.. Several years after, he actually kept his remarriage a secret from me! It seems as if he doesn't hold me in regard... Even til today, what he does is still hard to forgive.. I tried to forgive but i can't forget...
Told my mum abt it at night and she agreed with me and tried to cheer me up.. It worked, slightly. But now, i've realized. Each time i hear the wedding vow being said... I will b sceptical and remember him and how he broke it...
Note: Those who understand, good... Those who don't, think... But i'm being selective of what info u pple will noe...
Today... went into that debate with hui shi, shao and glo about some issues.. I feel... torn
On one side are my friends, on the other, my religion and my beliefs... I just can't put my thots into words but i'll like to use the lyrics of this song...

Your word is a light unto my path
Your word guides me through my darkest light
And even though sometimes your ways I cannot understand
I'll never walk away beacuse my future's in your hand...

I don't care what people will say, I'm running after you
I won't turn back and go their way, I'm running after you
No matter what may come my way, I'm running after you
It's you I'm following today, I'm running after you...

Hui Shi, in reply to your blog entry... I know that you are willing to be there for me and for all of us but still... There are a few reasons why I don't turn to you...
1) Different stand on some issues...
2) Feel more comfortable talking to people who don't really know me cos that equals to "I don't care what they think", but if i talk to you, glo or shao, I'll be too conscious of your reactions
3) Don't want to burden you further, you have your own problems...

These are mainly the reasons... Thanks for offering and i will turn to you but for now, you're not the most suitable choice. No offence, i hope...

That's all for now... Too much things that i can't verbalize...

Time flies...

Been a week since i blogged, so b prepared for a rather long entry...
Wednesday: Start of lifeskills camp.. Had to plan how to advertise NY to this yr's P6 Geppers... Most of the time, we (Glo, Hui Shi, Shao and I) were just slacking and planning on going out this thurs.. Then someone came up with the great idea to invite him lah, then was forced to otherwise, the alternatives were worse... Then after that, sat through some workshops on "Peak Performance" but most of it was taught b4... So most of us weren't paying attention and frustrated the teacher to death... After 4-5 hrs of that, had to play some games in the school. Ok lah, will survive.. Then, finally dinner. But then me and Glo didn't feel like eating so just shared one pack and we still couldn't finish... After dinner, went audi to watch TKAM. Very nice, Jem, Scout and Dill all looked so cute. Problem was: I was very sleepy and had to struggled to keep awake. Thank goodness I brought doggie along. Finally the show ended and it was supposed to be lights out. But most of us didn't really care. actually, we planned on waking up at 11:40pm to resume playing cards, but we were too tired and just fell asleep.
Thursday: Went Costa Sands.The first part of the day was just team building activities... And they taught us some "romantic" dance... Rite... Then had western for lunch. Quality of food: ok lah.. not as bad as Wed's dinner. Then changed into swimming costume for later water activies. Had river crossing which really fell short of expectations. So short! But when we came out of there, realized Glo got scratched by twigs. Some cuts on her knee and ankle.. Then washed up and wore just swimming costumes... Sigh, all the comments after that. Thanks gan jie for getting all the attention, i was spared.. oops? Then went to the pool and had some games, quite fun lah. Then finally can bathe but toilets too packed so most of us just changed. dinner, then preparation fo campfire item. Campfire was really a let-down. Poor lightings so couldn't see much... By the time, it finally ended, it was 10 plus. In the end, only reached back 2 sch 12mn. Fell asleep quite fast
Friday: Last day, had telematch then cleaning up then the final debrief cum prize presentation. Wow, our class actually won 2 prizes! Prizes were All junk food! Yummy.. Reached hm, bathe and just chilled out by watching Princess Diaries 2, finally... After months of waiting. Show was quite cliche but the songs were quite nice. Tempted to get the soundtrack...
Sat: Went for IMprint course, quite fun, learned quite a lot. Shall not elaborate too much otherwise i'll never end this blog entry.. Then service... felt out of place again, no big surprise. Was quite relieved when service ended. That's so not like me. Guess was feeling out of sorts.. Then at hm, Dad was giving me a "mini" lecture, sigh.. A day that looked ok turned out so bad.
Sun: yu guo tian qing... It was quite ok lah, went grandma's hse in the afternoon 2 celebrate her b'dae. Saw Glo (couz) there. Pleasant surprise. Talked to her so much and then went downstairs for a walk... Sad that i didn't bring money out. So much nice things at the christian bookshop...
Today: it seemed to be a normal day til Dad called. Asked me to take a look at the newspaper article abt Friendster and said would talk to me tonite. That equals bad news. My day is spoiled... Trying to be optimistic but just can't....
That's all for now. No longer in blogging mood.

Mood swings?

Long time no blog cos just didn't feel like it..
So to summarize everything real fast, wasn't in a very gd mood these few days.
On Sunday, some person had to get me so frustrated and I was controlling my anger and trying not to raise my voice at that person. I mean, can't u b considerate of other's feelings? But nvm.
Then yesterday, realized that I've not been keeping my promise. I've been compromising and following the world. I worry. I've start to grow immune to the sins around me. It took a few days b4 my eyes were open. Next time, how long would it take? Would I even realize that I'm sinning? Feeling so depressed so during class time, went 2 the balcony and just sit/stand there and look at the clouds, sing some christian songs. It was so peaceful there but my problems still bothered me. Thanks Glo for realizing that something was up, u left me alone. That was the rite choice. I needed the peace.
Went home, still in that mood. Decided may as well talk to someone who mite actually understand how i feel. Glo, u do understand but not enough. You're one of the few that actually listens to me instead of the other way round. That someone, thanks for the advice and the sharing. U've told me how 2 face the challenges. It wouldn't b easy but I shall try my best. God will give me the strength. I never really knew u yet u listened, thanks for that.
Glo, when reading this, u'll noe what i'm talking abt but pls keep it 2 urself...
Then today, went 2 the HSBC Treetop Walk. Wasn't what i expected.
However, when on the bridge, looking at my surroundings, I was just reminded of this song:

~Who compares to you
Who set the stars in their place
You who calm the raging sea
That came crashing over me
Who compares to you
You who bring the morning light
The hope of all the earth
Is rest assured in your great love~

It was so calm, so peaceful. I wish we could have stayed that longer..
Not much more 2 blog abt..
Oh ya, will b off to camp for the nest 2 1/2 days. B back on fri. Will try to blog.