to die to myself?

Disclaimer: I am not considering suicide or anything, ok? Read on to find out what prompted me to have such a title.


Anyway, I want to state that I'm going to be rather contradictory at times. Considering the previous two blog entries and what's been going through my mind today, I'm really struggling with a few issues.


I'll fast foward to today's service. During worship, while we were singing this song, these lyrics just stood out. "Lord, I know I'll never be the same again"... The past few days, I've blogged about not wanting to change in terms of who I am and what I value and stuff like that. But then this question popped up in my head. "Am I willing to die to myself?" Often, pastors and leaders remind us to die to our rights, die to our dreams and just let God work in our lives. Still remember how God was asking me if I was willing to die to my wish of taking art last year. But now, this question really made me think. I know I'm willing to give up a lot of things if God tells me to. But am I willing to die to who I am? And just let God mould me once more? To be honest, I can't give an answer yet. I can sense that I'm going to change this year. How? I have no idea. And whether I'll change and my fear comes true, that I become less dependent on my friends, I don't know. I'll blog about it once more when I know the answer. But yes, I got to admit that I want to cling onto who I am. I've gotten used to being like that, I guess. And it's what makes me me? Oh well. Shall stay up to do TAWG later.


Anyway, about today's sermon. What struck me wasn't the sermon but rather the choice of verses. Hebrews 10:22-25. The same few verses that I did for TAWG a week ago? =) And the past few days, most of what I've been reading has to do with faith. Hmm... Maybe I should read Jodi Picoult's "Keeping faith" again, yes? =p But yeps, hoping to read Hebrews 11 which happens to be about faith. Just finished the portion in "Power of a praying teen" about faith a few days ago...


One last thing to blog about. Altar call. Even before altar call, was reminded of what God spoke to me about last week. And once again, just felt my heart being so heavy. The same name came to mind. I really want to see that person in church and receiving God. And at the altar, I was just releasing everything unto God and no longer holding back my tears. What I can't get over is how God keeps reminding me to reach out to that person. And right now, that's probably one of the things I want most. And even though circumstances aren't really in my favour, I know I'll try my best. Besides, isn't that one of my new year resolutions? To give my best in everything I do. =)


Oh. By the way, my internet connection is like its owner and tends to have moodswings. Yeps, it only works once in awhile so I'll blog as and when the connection works. Meanwhile, it's back to blogging in Microsoft Word. And you won't see me online for a long time. At least not til the outside computer is fixed. Dad's worried that this computer will be hit by a virus too if I install Messenger so yeps... =p