eventful days

Hmm. I probably won't be able to blog til after saturday or sunday. In fact, I doubt I'll be home much the next few days. High chance that I'll be staying over at my grandmother's place. But I'll still be contactable by my handphone, ok? -hint- (I'm going to be bored in the morning/afternoon.) =p

Oh. For those who don't know, I blacked out for a minute on tuesday afternoon. Oops? Before I get killed by everyone, let me state clearly that I did eat my lunch on that day. Omelette + large bowl of mashed potato. So there. Urk. Don't like the experience of blacking out. One moment, I was listening to my parents talk, then when I came to, I was on the floor. >.< Luckily my parents caught me. =p Oh well. So because of this incident, my mum insists that I go for a full body check-up soon. That'll have to wait til everything's over and everyone's no longer so busy.

And another piece of new for those who don't know, the reason why I'll be busy and staying over at my grandmother's place is because my grandfather passed away yesterday.

Sighs. I'm tempted to blog an entry on life and death and how we should appreciate what we have, etc, etc. But not now. Maybe when my thoughts get a bit more organized.

200th post

Whoa. After close to 2 years, I've finally reached the 200th post. Guess I'll use this post as a time for a reflection yet again. Even though I'm bound to start reflecting on the past a lot more when it's the end of the year/start of 2007.

This blog was created at the end of Secondary 1, after the youth camp. Things have really changed over these 2 years. Transferring from nanyang to nus high, knowing new friends, drifting away from old friends. Gaining more experiences and memories. Knowing myself better at times. Yet, even as I think that I know myself better, there are always new experiences in which my responses are totally unexpected. Think I've blogged a lot more over this past year. I feel a mild sense of accomplishment that I still maintain most of my blogs. I don't consider my livejournal as a blog though. My main blogs are this one, my MSN space and occasionally my private blog. =p I'm tempted to start reading all my entries again from each blog. But not now... Need to go for piano lesson soon.

I want to blog more about the changes between now and last time... Hmm. Ohh. Just checked my archives. Yeps, I've proof that I've been blogging more. I hit my 100th entry this year in April. And now it's only November and I've hit the 200 mark. =) Okie. That settles it. I shall blog about the difference between this semester and the previous semester. =p

Academically, I've done worse this semester for the exams but I think my CA did improve. I'm disappointed with my exam grades but I won't go beat myself up over it. Mhmm. Emotionally, I think this semester has been quite a roller-coaster ride. More eventful and a lot more emotional than the 1st semester. Although I agree that being emotional isn't that good and stuff like that, I think the past 6 months have made me realize various truths about myself. Hopefully that means that I know myself a bit better instead of being in denial. =p Haha. Spiritually.. Hmm, I've been praying more. A lot more. But still need to do my TAWG regularly. Priorities over this semester has changed quite a bit. Corrections: it hasn't changed. It's just a lot more clearer to me now. I think.

And of course, how can I forget one of the most important areas of my life? My friends. How have things changed? Erm.. The truth hurts at times so I'll do a bit of censoring and minus out some names. So I'll keep this part nameless.

Group 1 - Drifted quite a bit. I got to say I didn't expect it. I was always the naive kid, ya? Disappointed. I'm still hoping though. Things seem to be picking up for the better. Or at least my relationship with one of you's getting slightly better than last semester. But the rest of you, I don't think things will go back to the way they were. At least she's making the effort.

Group 2 - My friendship with you all is really quite unexpected. In the sense that I didn't expect to be that close with you all and going out with you all so much. It's fun to hang out with you all. And I can go crazy (or normal depending on how you look at it)... The sad thing is I'm almost always the one being bullied. >.< But yeps, I don't want to imagine life without any one of you.

Individual 1 - Most consistent friendship. Lasted longer than what people expected. It lasted longer than my own expectations. For that, I'm thankful. Got to catch up with you more though. =p Now if you'll stop being so buzy with other people. -coughs-

Individual 2 - Drifted quite a bit this past month? Why? Oh well. Hopefully things change during this holiday. But yeps, you're one friend that I don't regret knowing. Then again, I rarely regret knowing anyone. But you've taught me quite a bit, directly and indirectly. Mhmm.

Individual 3 - Thank God for you. As we both said, it was good timing that we knew each other when we did, ya? To have someone to be able to talk to openly and that we understand each other's situation. Oops. Owe you one outing. Got to meet up with you soon. Mhmm.

Hmm. These people/group of people are those who have been close/are close to me. The total number of people is 9. Quite obvious which 9...

Ok. Long enough blog entry. Ohh. -pouts- -whines- Some people are away at camp!! I miss them. And they've only just went for camp today. Kor, Mei and Nes, we are so meeting up for a move marathon, can? Please... -whines. =p

NTUC concert

Don't feel like blogging about the whole of the past week.. Shall just blog about my brother's year-end concert yesterday. Skipped service and FUEL because of it. Anyway, went there and watched kids from various childcare centres perform. The accompanying music at time is really... cutesified. =p For example, the kids were doing a morning workout to this song which went "ohh eee ohh ahh ahh zing zang wala wala bing bang.." Was really amused by the whole performance. I like the finale the best though. 187 kids standing on stage and most of them singing the two songs chosen for the finale. The songs were "peng you" by zhou hua jian and "That's what friends are for". I want the songs!! Actually, there should be a copy of "peng you" somewhere around the house. Shall go dig it up later. Meaningful songs... =)

Yay. I know. "That's what friends are for" shall be the next song that I'll blog about in my MSN space. =) At least, I'm maintaining some of my blogs...

Not really in the mood to blog. >.< Oh well.

disappointed

Though my previous entry rather depressing and all, towards the end of the entry, I kind of expressed my hopes for the next day. But I was being way too hopeful. I imagined that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. But right now, I'm still stumbling along in darkness. If anything, yesterday was considerably bad. What hopes? All gone. And although I want to keep hoping that with each new day, things will improve, that hasn't been the case.

Ohh. Interestingly enough, I think my emotional/mental state is taking a toll on my physical well-being more than ever. Saturday night, Sunday night and last night. I manage to sleep at relatively decent times. Before 10:30. But the bad part comes after 12 midnight. I've woke up every hour since 1. Let's see. It's like this. Wakes up, looks at my handphone for the time. "Ohh, it's 1am. Go back to sleep". Then the whole cycle repeats for 2am, 3am, some time before 5am, 5am, so on and so forth. Just the number of times that I wake up and check the time exceeds 5. Not even counting the times when I don't check the time. So I wake up in the morning extremely irritated and frustrated because I lack restful sleep. I might be in bed for 10+ hours. But too much of it isn't restful. My mum was speculating that I was worried and stressed over the PTM. Hah. As if. If that was the case, I wouldn't have gone through the whole cycle again last night. Laadeedaa. How about this? I think I know why I've not been sleeping well. Let's put it this way. The day I see the light at the end of the tunnel will be the day I sleep well. Ohh! Other than being really sleepy, there was the chance of me falling sick. Think I avoided it though. Since I've been drinking a lot more water. My throat demands it. But another bad thing is that I lost my appetite the whole of yesterday. -cringe- Not good.

Oh well. Let's stop dwelling in self-pity for now and blog about PTM. Cap of 3.44 Sighs. It's higher than what I calculated so I'm not too shocked or disappointed anymore. And there are certain parts of the report that I can take pride in and my parents were rather fine with my results. That doesn't mean I'm not grounded. They want to view my marks on espace first before deciding my "sentence".

I don't dare to hope that today will be better. I hoped that yesterday would be the day that the situation changed but the whole day, I was just so tired. In fact, more than ever? So I don't want to hope for today. But if things don't get better, I don't know how long more I can last. On the bright side, it's a lot more bearable for my physical state to be weak than for my emotional state to be weak. At least, this toll on my physical has helped to keep my emotional state at a decent level. =)

illogical links

Initially, I wanted to blog about Worship Experience yesterday and one of the most interesting taxi rides that I ever had but now, I just want to blog something that's been occupying my head for a good part of yesterday.

"Cry". Clouds. Pictures of scenery. Bottle of water. MPH. "For one more day". Precious moments. Soundtracks. Can anyone figure out how these items all link together? Or how they're similar? Actually, the list can be way longer but right now, these are the few that I remember most. No, they're not a list of things that I like. Aybody up for playing hangman? All these items fall under one catergory. The word is 8 letters long. To help whoever's interested, many things can fall under this catergory. In the same way that KFC, mashed potatoes, neoprints, Cineleisure, MRT lines, so on and so forth can fall under the catergory. No, the word isn't memories by the way. It occured to me though. =p

Whee!! One more day... Tomorrow will finally come. I'm not counting down to the parent-teacher meeting or even Jonathan's birthday. I'm hoping that tomorrow marks the end of my tiredness. It's really draining to have to go through this really tired state for 3 consecutive days with anything to look foward to or anything to give me hope. The worst part is when sleep doesn't help anymore. Slept early last night at 10. But was tossing and turning a lot throughout the night and woke up quite a few times. Including that irritating time when I woke up at 5.05am. I really should stop looking at the clock. From then til 8 plus, it was aggravating. I wanted to sleep but the sleep wasn't restful. Very fragmented and uncomfortable. Oh well. That's that. Just wondering what will tomorrow hold? More tiredness? Or finally, the light at the end of the tunnel? I'll find out tomorrow..

a kind of routine...

As I told mei, these few days and the next few would probably consist of me being at the hospital or me being at home with Jonathan. Of course, there's been a few "inconsistencies" here and there such as yesterday from noon til about 5. I'll blog about that first then blog about the general state of things.

Met up with those 3 during their break from arts fest rehearsal. Went to the arcade for a while before catching "Step Up". Hmm... It's not bad actually. The dance routines were impressive. Ohh. What is it with phrases and stuff like that speaking out to me?? I blame it on erm.. a guilty conscience? Laadeedaas. After that, drank one bowl of soup at Pizza Hut before I had to rush off and meet my mum. Went to the childcare and was very tickled by the behaviour of the kids there. And also by how short the chairs were. To think that I was once at that age and in that exact same childcare. Oh, I remember my mum once said this to me, "Are you very stressed or something? You're getting so tickled over such a simple thing." So yesterday, it occured to me. Was I really amused by what was happening or was I trying too hard to convince myself? Laadeedaas. But it was really heart-warming to see the smile on Jonathan's face during the whole time. After that, went down to the hospital. Left earlier than normal because Jonathan was being really restless and so had to bring him home.

Ohh! While blogging this, my mum called and told me that I can go for service later. Yay! =) I thought I was going to miss Worship Experience again.

Last thing to blog about. Even though I've been sleeping quite a lot, my eyes constantly want to close and I long to just sleep as much as possible. This tiredness started since yesterday or maybe even thursday? And I've got this really bad feeling that it's going to last for quite awhile. Even sleeping more doesn't seem to help much. The only good thing about sleep is that you're not aware of what's going through your head unless you have dreams or anything. But fortunately, I don't dream often. But one of the bad thing is that right before I sleep, my mind starts going on overload and I end up thinking too much or -cringe- imagining too much. Let's just say my head was having fun tormenting me before I fell asleep. And oh, my pillow was ever so comfortable yesterday. =p

drained - resting

For the first time in a long while, I've drained myself a bit too much physically, I think. =p Oops. Let's see. I didn't know how tiring it was to play DDR on standard mode. I tried for about 2-3 songs? Then after playing, had to pack up my stuff and all. I was exhausted. And course I wouldn't be going down to school tomorrow, had to empty out my locker today. Uhohh. Finally opened it for the first time this semester. Let's just say I really shouldn't have done everything today. I left my art supplies from last semester in the locker so had to bring everything back. So erm... I went home with as much stuff as when I came to school. My black sling bag, the plastic bag with the dance mat and a toolbox of art supplies. Heehee. It wasn't really heavy. More of bulky and troublesome. On the bright side, this is way better than the previous time I exerted myself so much physically. Looks like I really should train my endurance or something.

I'm supposed to go down to the hospital down but I think I'll take a nice, cold shower to wake me up or something. Then later, see the weather condition. Although I like the rain a lot, I do have some common sense (at times.) It started pouring 5 minutes after I came home. Yay! I have good timing. For once, I was happy that I missed the rain. Mhmm. And now, it's really heavy and I'm quite deterred from going down to Novena. >.<

After this post, I have this feeling that various people might want to kill me. Especially since my own actions made myself so drained. Time to pamper myself and let myself rest. I will rest and take care, ok? =)

2nd last week of school

This entry's almost a week overdue. Wanted to blog about how I celebrated the end of exams on Tuesday. But wasn't really in the mood so haven't blogged. And the past week was actually "blog-worthy" (if there's such a term? =p). But even now, I'm not really in the mood yet but if I continue to postpone the entry, it'll never be done. So I'll do in word/phrase form. =p

Tuesday: Last paper! Bowling ball. Bukit Panjang Plaza. Closed bowling alley. Swensens. Cut and paste. Jumbled up. Ice cream. Salmon baked rice. Library. Vanessa's house. Princess Diaries 2. Fruits. Photos. Phone call. Realization. Priorities.

Wednesday: Withdrawal. Disappointment. Decision. Mistaken. Rumours? Subway. Honey oat. Arcade. Flushed away. Excess of NUSHS people. CD search. Comparison of prices. Spending cash. Soundtracks! =)

Thursday: Delivery service. 1 extended til 3:30. Taunting of rain.

Friday: Delivery service. Cake buying. The story behind the plates (and spoons). Present. Surprise? (Not really, ya?)

That's it for now? Mum's going to be back soon. Shall attempt to practice my piano again. I know my first and 2nd attempt didn't really work out. -shrugs- Didn't realize that practicing piano can actually not work out. I mean, I've tried practicing twice already? And both times, couldn't persevere. >.< Oh well. Oh yes, I wanted to blog about today too. But forget it, I don't think that's such a good idea now. Mhmm. On the bright side, I want to see how bad tomorrow can get. Yeps.

2 more days to go...

I have no idea what to do at this point. There's only so much that my brain will absorb. I feel guilty if I slack especially since I've been slacking so much today. Let's see. After finishing up physics cheatsheet with mei over the phone, we continued chatting for another 45 minutes or so til 12:30. After that, lazed around and read stories on fictionpress for most part of the afternoon. Once in awhile, I would read through botany as a break from fictionpress. So twisted, right? It's supposed to be studying then take a break by slacking. I slack and take a break by studying. Anyway, the rest of the evening/night was spent putting more effort into studying for botany. I've almost given up on thermodynamics already.

Ok. This is what I plan to do before I sleep. Read through thermodynamics notes once more. Skim through botany. Start reading through trigonometry notes. Oh well. Won't be sleeping before 10, i guess. Never mind. Shall aim to sleep by 11.

Prayer. Thanks.

Hmm... During the later part of lcell, had this urge to blog about what was shared and covered today. Then later, felt like blogging more about various stuff that hit me this week. Mhmm. So even though I really should go sleep soon, I felt like blogging first.

Bro Andy asked us this question, "If God was to grant you one prayer request, what would you ask for?" (Apart from wanting more prayer requests to be granted. =p) The first answer that came to mind just really shows how I have changed and yet how my priorities are still very similar. I'll be open, ya? The first answer was the good health of my friend. After giving more thought to the question, my answer changed a bit. This is what I replied, "My prayer request would be that for my friends and family to be happy and in good health." Anyway, Bro Andy continued on by saying that since that's our prayer request, that would mean it's the top on our priority list. 2nd question: "How often do you pray for that?" It was just a question for us to think about and we didn't have to share. But yes, I've changed compared to one year ago? Just talking about prayer alone, I've changed. For the better, I would like to think. I'll just briefly cover the rest of what was covered concerning prayer during lcell then I'll add my own reflections.

To have faith that our prayers will be answered. Persevere and keep on praying. Pray together with others. To have the right motives for our prayers. Approach God in prayer with a pure heart.

Honestly, I grew up only praying during service or when I'm about to have an exam and then I start panicking and praying to God. But over the course of this year and last, there's been a marked difference. Yes, I still have numerous prayer requests and most of the time, pray to God for help. But there have been also times when I pray to thank God for how He has blessed me so much. Especially this year. And one more thing about my prayer requests, they're no longer centered around me. So often, I'm asking God to help my friends in their lives and stuff like that. Even this week, during the exam period. Yeps, for those 3 in school.

Think I've covered what I want about prayer. For now. Not done blogging yet though. =p Want to blog about the various essay questions in the english exam. The questions were all so nice to write about! =) As in, I enjoy blogging about those topics and such but prefer not to do a formal essay. =p Oops? Can only remember 3 out of 5. But anyway, shall list the two questions that I was deciding between. We were supposed to write an argumentative essay on one of the questions.

1. Friends are more important than family.
2. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

The 2nd question was what I wrote about. Obviously, I don't agree with that saying. It might apply to some people but it's rarely ever been that way for me. Words can hurt me so much. Mhmm. To those who've been around me and really know me, you should know how I'm like and what gets me up and what gets me down. Yeps. Though at times, I want to have this shield that prevents me from being hurt so easily due to my character, I won't be me if I have a shield. Got to thank someone for pointing it out a few months ago. There isn't really much I want to blog about for this question. Not really. Just that it's so not true for me?

1st question is a lot harder. My first priority used to be my family during primary school days and even to a good degree of lower secondary. But things have changed. I value my friends a lot more nowadays compared to last time. If I was given a choice to pick between family and friends, I have no idea. And that's what worries me. I was so naive last time. I used to think that because of the good relations between me and my parents, things wouldn't change when I become a teen. -coughs- As if. Things have changed. I have changed. Oh well. Enough dwelling on such issues now.

Lastly, I want to spend the rest of this entry thanking various people. Mel was constantly pointing out how cute I am during dinner and all. And I was trying to figure out why I'm so much more hyper and act cute so often nowadays. Yeps. Certain reasons came to mind. And of course, I've got to thank certain people for brightening up my life or making me realize various things which cause me to enjoy life more and stuff like that. In no particular order...

Melanie: Thank you for being someone who I can talk to in church and have dinner together with. You've helped me feel a greater sense of belonging in church. And your positive mood is contagious. Like how you being so happy to see me just brings my mood up. =) With you, I can go "crazy" and just joke around but I can also talk to you. Thank you!

Tian Cheng: You've helped me appreciate the "kid" in me more. You give me more reason why I should keep finding joy in simple things, never really knew how my joy at things could affect others positively. So more than ever, I can find the joy in seemingly simple things. And thank you for the reassurance that you give. It really helps and lifts my mood up.

Renee: It's great when I can just go hyper and keep you amused. And then after I did that for some time at the beginning of the year, you start getting more hyper. =) Thank you (for the don't know how many time) for being willing to occupy me when I'm on the bus and stuff like that. Mhmm! =) You make school so much more fun and bearable. Not even covering how you've helped me academically. Mhmm.

Ok. There are others that I want to thank like samantha, Vanessa, Isaac and the list continues... But right now, I really should go and sleep soon. So sorry if I didn't mention you in this entry or something. But yes, the past few months of this year has been really enjoyable. I thank you all for bringing out the "kid" in me even more. Especially those 3 in school and Mel.

One last thing that I want to say. To all my friends: No matter how things are, were or will be, I don't regret knowing any one of you all.

exams

Just had chinese 'O' levels yesterday. Why did I sign up for it in the first place? Oh yes, just wanted to give it a shot. (Why does that remind me of how I persuaded my parents to let me enter GEP in primary 3?) Anyway, shall do a recap of yesterday before blogging about upcoming exams and my expectations.

Overslept in the morning. I can't believe it. Of all days to not hear all 3 alarm clocks, it had to be yesterday. On the bright side, it didn't really sink in how "dire" the situation was, so my mood stayed as it was. Paper 1. Pft. Was deciding between gong han and si han. The content for si han was easier but I couldn't remember the format so did gong han. -shrugs- And I didn't like the essay questions. As a general rule, I pick either the 2nd or 3rd question, prefer the 2nd question normally. But this round, I picked the bao zhang bao dao. Mhmm. Oh well. It was rather refreshing to do the first part of Paper 2. MCQ question for cloze passage and comprehension. =)
Had piano lesson after that. Haha. Extended piano lesson! =) Elmi jie jie should just rent out that room or something. Then went home and slacked a bit before studying a bit of biology. That's about it for yesterday?

Shall make a "time-table" for the next few days? Let's see.

31st Oct: Reading Day
Mechanics 2 - Practice questions
States of Matter - Read through notes and practice questions
Molecular Models - Read through notes and practice

1st Nov: English, Mechanics 2 and Elements of Music Theory
Reproduction & Inheritance - Read through notes + practice Punnett square
Indices, Surds and Sets - Read through notes

2nd Nov: Reproduction & Inheritance, Indices Surds and Sets
States of Matter - Read through notes and practice questions
Molecular Models - Read through notes and practice

3rd Nov: States of matter and Molecular models
Botany - Read through notes and redo quizzes
Thermodynamics - Do cheatsheet, read through notes

4th Nov: Weekend!
Botany - Read through notes and redo quizzes
Thermodynamics - Read through notes + practice
Trigonometry - Read through notes and practice questions

5th Nov: Weekend!
Botany - Read through notes and redo quizzes (cont'd)
Thermodynamics - Read through notes + practice

6th Nov: Botany and Thermodynamics
Trigonometry - Practice questions
Statistics - Read through notes

Hah. Now to see if I can actually keep to this and whether the things that I plan to do actually help. ^_- Oh. It's annoying when my expectations are of a certain level and I honestly doubt that I can hit them. Let's list by module, the overall grade that I want, ok?

English: B+
Higher Chinese: Wanted B but got B-
Trigonometry: B+
Statistics: A-
Indices, surds and sets: A-
Expo & Log: B+
Reproduction and Inhertiance: A-
Botany: B or B+
Hands-on Chemistry: B
States of Matter: B-
Molecular Models: B
Thermodynamics: B-
Mechanics 2: B-
Elements of Music Theory: A
3D art: B+

Hmm... Some of my aim might be higher than what's listed actually. But I rather push them away cause I don't want to fall from such a great height, ya? =p These are the grades that I'm hoping to get. But for some of them, it's rather unrealistic. Some of them, I'm aiming too low? =p

chilling winds

What does it say when I'm able to link the fact that it's windy to my mood? 0.0 But yes, as I was walking along the corridor, it was rather windy and though I enjoyed the wind, the word "chilling" came to mind. Ok. That was just random.

Anyway, was commenting that I wanted to blog about a few differences in my behaviour on Sunday compared to normal. Let's see. Normally, I have no qualms about sharing food or drinks with anyone. Sharing in the sense of same utensils/straw/etc... But when someone took a sip out of the packet of grass jelly that I bought, I cringed inwardly. Then, my manners (or to be really honest, lack of it) when I talk to him and stuff like that. Mei pointed it out over the phone when I was in the car. Somehow, my manners kind of erm.. no longer exist that when I'm in his company? It's been like that for quite a few years. Yes, I do feel bad at times about acting this way. But since young, I've never really been polite or courteous? Considering that I used to talk back to him each time several topics were brought up. Oh yes, one more difference in my behaviour that I realized. If people ask me about Jonathan or my family, I'll at least be smiling when I answer or start gushing about Jon's cuteness, ya? When he asks, he gets mono-syllabic replies or really short answers. Mhmm. I see no point in telling him a lot anyway. Oops? Go ahead and tsk me if you want. It's alright.

On a slightly brighter note, had the first meeting to plan for Z1 SP empowerment. Yes yes, my exams start on wednesday and yet I still go. =p Oops? But I do enjoy doing such stuff. Always enjoyed planning, brainstorming and all but opportunities hardly arise. That's why I'm trying to make the most out of each opportunity. Hmm. I shall leave this at that. This topic just triggered off another train of thoughts. =p

On a even brighter note, my dad just came back, and bought lots of chocolate for us. =) Was told to bring some to school for those 3. (Interesting whose name was first mentioned.. Laadeedaas.) And dad gave me some of the currency and even bought stamps for me. =) Ohh! Something else to blog about. While keeping the notes, coins and stamps in the various albums, realized how much I've neglected those collection. When I do have time, I only focus on the notes collection. My poor stamps and first-day covers are collecting dust and not being organized. I'm still rather amused by how I started "stamp-collecting". The reason behind my sudden interest for stamps in primary school. Uhohh. Memories come flooding back. Especially when I was digging out the albums and came across primary school pictures, those few class photos... And though I didn't pull out the picture, I saw the corner of another picture. It was taken after we received the trophies for SMO, I think. -sighs. More memories of primary school. Primary 6. Advanced math club. I remember wanting to enter NUSHS then but was complaining of how the school wasn't ready yet. Sighs. I think that's enough blogging. The more I blog, the more I trigger off memories. I'm not in the best of mood for memories to come flooding back.

Mood: this sense of loss
Music: I don't want to know (yes, it's an actual song)

the next few days...

Whee! Exams start on wednesday and I haven't really started studying yet.. Uhohh. Next few days, I'll have to force myself to study and revise. Anyway, I'm thinking that the next few days would be the most tiring and draining days of the whole year. If I can get through these few days, I'll be really contented. The realization of how "well-prepared" I am for the exams is starting to hit me rather hard. And to add to that, I do have expectations that I want to meet. To obtain a certain range of marks for each subject. But it's really unrealistic right now. I'm not even putting in the effort. That's why I know my marks are so going to fall short of my expectations. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. Yes, some might say I should stop spending time blogging and all, but I can't study now. My mind's in this state which I dislike immensely. Of all times, right before the exam. If it was during the holidays, at least I can listen to my head and give it what it wants: which is a lot of sleep and rest. But now, I can't afford to do that.

Oh joy! I just got a phone call from some person in church who tells me that I'm in the sub-committee for the leadership camp in December. 0.0 Did I sign up for that? I don't seem to recall anything along those lines. But anyway, the thing is, that's a meeting tomorrow from 2-4 which means there goes another 2 hours of studying time if I do go.

Forget it. I'm resorting to rather desperate measures. Shall bring my notes along with me when I go out, so that I can read it on the bus or something. But right now, shall go play the piano again. I wonder why the piano's calling out to me so much nowadays. Yeps, I know the answer.

~ I woke up this morning, feeling kind of blue~

Counting down

While most people are about to start their holidays, our school's starting exams next week. Strangely enough, the panic and worry hasn't really hit me. At least not often enough.. This week's been rather relaxed with the nice long weekend (that started on friday after bio bridging module all the way til last night).

Today was also rather slack and it's kind of freaky when I'm so relaxed? Let's see. Free period during math. English was just listening to the other groups present and checking of our CA marks. =) Whee! -feels accomplished- Finally a CA mark that I'm really happy with. =) Chinese lesson consist of getting back our exam paper. Mini roller-coaster ride. Was pleased with certain portions of my paper but other portions.. Sighs. Physics was more or less a free period for us to "study". Ended up sleeping for 15 minutes or so? As in, really fell asleep and wasn't conscious of my surroundings. Mhmm.

Oh yes. I've been rather sleepy these few days. And it gets worse when I get more sleep... Or is it just my body complaining because the past two weeks, I've been sleeping really late? Sighs. Think I'll stop blogging now and go sleep? -yawns- Hopefully, I can sleep peacefully tonight. Unlike yesterday. Highly disrupted sleep. Lost count how many times I woke up in the middle of the night.

saturday's roller-coaster ride

Due to the time now, I really should go to sleep. But I've got to keep my blog active and since I'm still up, why not blog a quick entry? So it'll just be words, ok?

Smses. SPC. Disappointment. Boredom. Wishes. Phone calls. East Coast. Barbeque. Breakwater. Waves. Seashells. Temperature. Frisbee. Memories. "Responsibilities". Cycling. Cross Country. Memories. Missing. Testing the limits. Wind. Loneliness. Cutting cake. More cycling. Songs. Triggers. Failure. Barbeque. Going through the motions. Photos. Getting away. Car ride. Mahjong playing. Apologies. Pushing everything to the back. Hoping.

I might/might not elaborate on this entry... But on a side note, I've changed quite a bit. It's gradual. But the whole day at the beach just made me realize how often I'm physically some place but my mind's no longer there. Family over friends or friends over family? Once, I didn't have to even think about the answer. I promised and was naive enough to think that things could always remain that way. But that's just another thing I was in denial about...

1st half of monday

Aiyoh. I give in to mei to much. Ask me to blog, then I blog now at this time of the day... =p Bearing in mind that I'm blogging this slightly past 12 midnight, I'll have to refer to 16th of Oct as yesterday...

Let's see. Went to school to "dump" my bag as usual. Yay! Mei joined me in school today. Was amused by kor and mei. Then walked to pool. Whee! It's really more enjoyable when there's company. If not, it's like I'll just listen to my mp3 player. Swimming.. Repeated the usual activities again. Wanted to leave earlier so pushed myself a bit harder for the 8 laps. Finally, my swimming shows some signs of improvement.. But yes, I need to get back to swimming more regularly instead of just playing water in the pool like what I've been doing for the past few years. Walked back to school and waited with mei and nes for *drum roll* McDelivery!

A nice enjoyable 1 hour break since we reached school earlier than normal. Could enjoy and savour the taste of hotcakes with sausage. =) "Singing sessions".. -shakes head- half exasperated, half amused. Math lesson, then lunch then followed by art. Not that much to blog about. Corrections: not that much that I want to blog about...

Random note: What is it with me and having phone calls that last past 1 hour for the past few days? And not just one person..

another wednesday entry

Oops? Blogging during journalism again. =p I would try to write an article except I have no idea what to write about. There's no fixed topic so it's up to us what we want to write about but right now, I can't think of anything. So I'm blogging. =p

Uhohh. There's been a lack of hyper entries and stuff? Heehee. -thinks of how to remedy that- Ohh!! I know. Yay! Can look foward to after CCA. Practice on the piano for 30 minutes, while waiting for mei and kor to end choir. Then later, can go and slack in a classroom and watch a show/listen to music/finish biology assignment. Mhmm. Yeps.

I want to sleep. -yawns- Thing is, I can't close my eyes now. When I close them, my eyes feel so strained and tired. Heehee. Note: I'm saying that my eyes are strained and tired, not that I'm tired. Oh wait. Am I tired? -shrugs- Don't know..

Urk! I want to start writing an article but have absolutely no idea what to write about. Yeps. I have 1 hour to think of something to write and then type it out.

looking for answers

Whee! Could someone please tell me why I want to sleep right now at 8:40pm?! It's not like I've been sleeping late or something. From friday onwards, I've gone back to normal sleep hours. In fact, maybe more than normal.

Actually, I don't think I'm sleepy. More of mind shut down on me. So I can't really do my work and slacking even more will make me feel bad so sleep's the nicer alternative. Then I'll wake up tomorrow and panic because the chemistry lab report's not done.

Ohh. Time to touch more on the title... If not, it would just be a white elephant. Everyone's always looking for answers, to situations and all. "Why is....?", "What is happening?", "Where can I go?", "What can I do?", "How can this be resolved?" Whee! I should do the 5 Ws and 1 H, ya? Lol. Nah.. Forget it. But yes, we're alwaysa asking questions and wanting answers. But hey, what's life without its mysteries? Ohh. A rhetorical question. (Uhohh. Think I'm losing it if I ask blogging senselessly about questions. Oh wait, I'm already crazy/normal.)

Quite a few questions I want to know the answers to... Hmm. Let's play "Guess the context of the question"! (Guess what I'm referring to?) =p
1) How did things turn out this way?
2) What exactly is happening now?
3) Why am I in this state?
4) How do I resolve this and make things better?

So many questions about quite a few situations. But the answers are far more evasive. In fact, at times, not knowing the answer to your questions might be better. It takes quite a bit of strength to bear the burden of the truth. The truth might be too much to handle at times. Is that why lying is justified? So as not to destroy the illusion of others...

Ok. My thoughts are all over the place. Have no idea how I typed out everything I did. But yes, really want to go sleep now. Sadly enough, I can't afford to. Actually, I can but I won't neglect my homework. I'll have to deal with it sooner or later. Xian ku hou tian or xian tian hou ku? I've been brought up to do the former but the latter's always so tempting... =p

birth month determines personality?!

August:
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self confident. Loud and boisterous. Very revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. (At times only?) Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. Big imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. (Haha. Why did I strike this out? Guess I'm ok with studying?) In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

Ok... Those in bold means I agree. Those normal text means I don't have much of an opinion on that. Those that I strike out means I disagree.

Hmm. A short post on this then... Actually, I should strike out "takes risks" but I do, just rarely and mostly "illogical" stuff? Haha. Hmm... Longs for freedom can be bold but if I think about it, do I value freedom that much? Yeps... Hmm. The few things I do agree with a lot is "curious", "stubborn" and "no self control". Yeps... Haha. No strong self so have to strike out "strong willed". I mean, how many times do I give in so easily to you all ah? And let myself be bullied. Lol.

Whee! On a side note: Today was an exceptionally nice day! =) -bounce-

self-awareness

Whee! I prove myself right again... Yesterday night/this morning, one or two possible scenarios crossed my mind. And they came true. Let's see... Was telling myself that there was no way I'll be able to stay awake and not go to sleep. Duh. And the one I want to blog about, wouldn't finish the english article during journalism. And ya, it's my choice that I choose not to write it now and blog instead but seriously, no inspiration. =p Besides, there were actually things to be done. Such as proof-reading the same few pages again. What is it with me and getting the mentor group write-ups? Read through them countless times. Ohh. Was double checking the spelling of the names against a name list. After that, everyone was told to do a small exercise: layout an article using Dreamweaver. Whee! Didn't want to code (can't really code that well anyway) so just use all the tools and finished the layout within minutes. It's really plain and all but oh well, satisfactory for now?

Ack. Forget it. I shall not spend so much time in front of the computer. Time to get down to the piano!