Resolutions

This entry's probably going to be one of my most honest and open entries ever. I’ll start off by explaining the choice of title. “Resolution”. I’ll cover both meanings of this word in my entry. Resolution in terms of a promise and also in terms of an ending. I’ll try to be clearer. Basically, I’ve made a few more resolutions today that I intend to stick to so please respect that, ok? –pointed look- And also, I think I’m going to address and just have a resolution to the situation that’s been affecting me. This entry hasn’t been clear, has it? Please read on, ok? I will elaborate and explain.


I'll summarize the situation that has been taking place. Yes, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been drained, tired, emotional, etc.. (You get the idea.) Why? As much as I rather avoid addressing it, I guess it’s time to. Friendships in school have been rather different from last year, hasn’t it? And well, I got to admit that it has drained me a lot the past month. People have been advising me to let go and all but my character is not like that. This whole week has been a lot better. Yes, I’ve been bottling things within me at times but I don’t act or mask, ok? What you see is what you get. Except today was just one eventful day… Especially in the evening. This is the part that I kind of dreaded blogging about but there’s a need to just address this once and for all. I got rather emotional while walking to Clementi. Yes, memories started coming back to haunt me. And it just struck me how I was so prideful and refused to let a single tear drop. At the most, my eyes were moist. That was all. That is what I mean by self-control in the previous few entries. Met up with Sammi and chatted for awhile. Some points she mentioned were rather valid but it didn’t really register until Lcell.


This adult leader was sharing about her own life and then about how at times we give and give to those around us but we don’t recharge. She was recounting how she found even resting to be a waste of time. Ouch. That hit a nerve. Especially since I’ve been increasingly nocturnal and start wishing that I didn’t have to sleep. But it really hit me then how I should take care of myself. Normally, I would blog something along the lines of “how I’ll take care and be fine for the sake of those who care about me and all” but really, that shouldn’t be the case. The one thing that I really agree with Sammi about is how I’m always trying to “save” the whole world and help everyone else but forget to take care of myself. I’m sure she’s not the only one who thinks that about me, ya? –pointed look- -cough- Heehee. And was talking to Bro Andy after Lcell. He was reminding me to take care too. So now, I say this as a resolution and a promise, “I will take care of myself”. No fine print, no conditions. Note that I didn’t use the phrase “I’ll be fine”? I know that’s not enough. Yeps. When I say I’ll take care, I mean it. I intend to live life for myself and not for others. Wait. Let me clarify. That line might seem like I’m selfish but no, I don’t mean it that way. Rather, I want to be happy because I want to and not because I feel obliged to my friends to be happy. Does that make sense? Basically, the reason why I cheer up shouldn’t just be because I don’t want my friends to worry. Because in that way, I’m not loving myself. This next part is directed at sammi. I promised you maximum two pieces, right? I’ll do better than that. I’ll get it back together til it’s one piece. By the way, one piece doesn’t mean one small piece. I’ll get it back to the way I once was. Ok, that’s resolution no 1. Taking care of myself.


Next thing to address… How do I intend to deal with this whole situation? I’ve been hearing all sort of advice. But I guess it was finally settled during Lcell. At the lowest point of this week, I really wanted to just cut out my heart so I won’t feel anything any more. It was that bad. Disclaimer: didn’t cry. =p Haha. But anyway, back to the point. It’s not that I can’t dao or hate a person. I’m sure everyone has it in them to dislike others. I don’t think I’m any exception. But really, I feel that there’s no point. I’ve come to a decision about what I am going to do already so I’ll repeat this once more. Please respect what I’ve decided. No subtle attempts to change me or anything, ok? I’m letting go yet holding on. Makes no sense, ya? =) I’ll explain. What happened in the past is in the past. I still treasure memories but that’s no point wanting what was in the past. I can’t turn back time. It’s time to move on. That’s what I mean by letting go. Holding on means that I will not give up my friendship. This part is the part I don’t know how to explain. Some might see it like I’m just leaving things the way they are and not doing anything. But it’s more than that. When I care for someone, I don’t just stop caring. It might be possible for me to do that but no. That is not what I will do. God’s just been speaking to me about this issue. There are things that I really don’t understand and I’m very confused but the phrase “let go, let God” has just been something that I need to understand and obey. This is still not as clear as I would have liked it to be but I guess this shall serve as something to refer to. If any of you have any questions or wonder what I’m blogging about, feel free to ask me to clarify or something. I promise I won’t be vague.


I’m looking forward to when I wake up. Shall play the guitar and sing a few worship songs. Too bad it’s past 12. If not, I would be playing now. Ack! My brain’s on overload. Still a lot of things going through my head… =p


Heehee... Oops. I apologize about the time. The internet connection was down so I coudn't blog and just typed this out in word document but coulnd't sleep after awhile so just turned on the com again. About to sleep after this. =)