Today's been one of the slightly better days? Or at least, there were quite a few higher points today. Mhmm. =)
Ok... To be precise, I only enjoyed school from lunchtime onwards. =p Let's see. It's fun to analyze CSI for a mini-project. Watched two episodes today and was just recording down anything related to science, chemistry principles in particular. It was really enjoyable even though it's a project. I guess I enjoy doing projects? And with all the previous training in writing reports and all, I'm kind of looking forward to writing the 10-20 page report? Haha.
Mild sense of accomplishment because one episode that we chose to analyze was suitable for the project. Mhmm. Anyway, it's really interesting... Guess that's why it's more or less confirmed that I'll not drop biology or chemistry. Yes, I don't do that well in chemistry but hey, at least I'm more interested in it compared to my interest for physics... =p
After mini project, it was time for CF. =) Hmm. A big thanks to all those in CF! Unknowingly, you all made my day? Mhmm. Yeps. Ahh! I want more songs... Heehee. Next time, mass song transferring session after CF? =p
Then went home and was just having some fun trying to improve my singing. =p Or at least, become a bit more in tune? So yes... Was like using the tuner and my piano. So just sang various songs note by note, making sure that I was in tune. It's very fun! Heehee. And my piano's a bit flat... Oh well. But yay! I'm feeling mildly accomplished. After awhile, didn't need to play the piano and automatically could sing the note at the right pitch. =) But only some notes. Shall try to find time to improve my singing. May as well train myself for aural... And ya, it's painfully obvious how there's this mindblock in me about hitting the higher notes. I mean, before I started, I was reluctant to hit anything higher than B? Yes... Am I shocking anyone yet with the substandardness of my singing? =p Heehee. But ya, after awhile, just forced myself to hit a high D... But yes, just doing things because I want to makes life more enjoyable? =)
I guess today's been a rather good day overall? Of course there were a few low points but I'm getting better at pushing them aside and not thinking about them yet. Time doesn't heal all wounds. You just get more used to some things and the pain becomes a constant... I guess I learn to cope in one way or another?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
gaining back my focus
Tsk... And there I was, coping relatively well and being focused on God. The past week or so, I guess I've been distracted by other stuff and didn't set aside time for TAWG. I've learned the hard way what happens when I lose my focus on God. Neglected TAWG for around two weeks and resulted in me struggling with various issues and getting really tired all over again.
At least, I've realized my mistake, I guess? I made the right decision last Friday to spoil myself and buy a book. It's time to gush a bit about the book? The book's entitled "The Divine Dance". No, it's not a fiction book. For once, ya? But anyway, the book is really for young women and talks about performing for God, not for the world. Throughout the whole book, each girl is compared to a dancer and there are various comparisons between dancing and our life. Yeps. It's quite a well-written book.
Anyway, while I was reading it, a lot of the lines were jumping out at me. Things such as how we perform for the world, being real as we live our life, etc... Time to quote a bit...
"Being real hurts because it makes us vulnerable. When we bare our souls, our hearts are open targets for attack. But we usually can't touch another heart until we open our own hearts."
When I saw the first two lines, I was smiling at the truth of the statemen. But what I really needed to read was the last line. That's the reason why I'll keep my heart open? That's the reason why I'll continue being who I am even if it makes me vulnerable. Mhmm...
"God did not hide His heart from the world, and neither should you."
Ok. That settles it? Something that I shall remind myself whenever I consider putting on a mask and acting...
I want to just immerse myself in such books... Lines like thse are in high demand. Why? Well, a lot of them just speaks to me about life's situations. The reason behind the situations, the appropriate reaction and at times, explanations...
At least, I've realized my mistake, I guess? I made the right decision last Friday to spoil myself and buy a book. It's time to gush a bit about the book? The book's entitled "The Divine Dance". No, it's not a fiction book. For once, ya? But anyway, the book is really for young women and talks about performing for God, not for the world. Throughout the whole book, each girl is compared to a dancer and there are various comparisons between dancing and our life. Yeps. It's quite a well-written book.
Anyway, while I was reading it, a lot of the lines were jumping out at me. Things such as how we perform for the world, being real as we live our life, etc... Time to quote a bit...
"Being real hurts because it makes us vulnerable. When we bare our souls, our hearts are open targets for attack. But we usually can't touch another heart until we open our own hearts."
When I saw the first two lines, I was smiling at the truth of the statemen. But what I really needed to read was the last line. That's the reason why I'll keep my heart open? That's the reason why I'll continue being who I am even if it makes me vulnerable. Mhmm...
"God did not hide His heart from the world, and neither should you."
Ok. That settles it? Something that I shall remind myself whenever I consider putting on a mask and acting...
I want to just immerse myself in such books... Lines like thse are in high demand. Why? Well, a lot of them just speaks to me about life's situations. The reason behind the situations, the appropriate reaction and at times, explanations...
Sunday, February 25, 2007
faith
It's really, really coincidental when yesterday, the pastor preached about this topic: living a life of faith.
The first thought I had was "not again". What, with the mention of faith in "A walk to remember" and all.. Oh well.. But really, faith is what I need more than ever? After all, there's no such thing as having too much faith. Oh well. But I guess I'm just going to fast-forward to altar call.
I'm still trying to figure out what God wants me to do about that situation. The thing is, letting go completely is not the solution. I know that for a fact. But ya, at the altar, the same image came to my mind again. It's been a month or so but that is one image that's still impressed upon my heart.. I want to see that image become a reality. And somehow, I keep having this thought that it'll come true by the end of the year. Although things don't seem to be falling into place, I guess I'm really just living on faith and hope? What I can do now is just to believe...
The first thought I had was "not again". What, with the mention of faith in "A walk to remember" and all.. Oh well.. But really, faith is what I need more than ever? After all, there's no such thing as having too much faith. Oh well. But I guess I'm just going to fast-forward to altar call.
I'm still trying to figure out what God wants me to do about that situation. The thing is, letting go completely is not the solution. I know that for a fact. But ya, at the altar, the same image came to my mind again. It's been a month or so but that is one image that's still impressed upon my heart.. I want to see that image become a reality. And somehow, I keep having this thought that it'll come true by the end of the year. Although things don't seem to be falling into place, I guess I'm really just living on faith and hope? What I can do now is just to believe...
Saturday, February 24, 2007
mercy
That's the title of a book written by Jodi Picoult. What made me choose to buy this book? Really, it was the last line of the summary at the back, "What does it mean to truly love another?"
The whole book touches on the topic of loving another person and how far one was willing to go in the name of love. The whole conflict in this story was about how one husband killed his wife because she was suffering from cancer and asked him to kill her. He loved her so much that he was willing to do anything for her... Another topic that I really like was how one person was always the one who gave more in the relationship. Often, things like 70-30 and 60-40 cropped up. Anyway, time to start quoting then I'll blog more...
You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride."
Is this true? I don't think it just applies to marriages. Relationships, friendships... It's like that, isn't it? There's always someone who holds on tighter? I guess that's why I'm always hurt so deep, yes? Even now, I haven't given up on you 3. It drained me a lot last year but this year, I guess I've gotten more adjusted to it? Oh well...
'I'm the one like you,' Jaime said. 'The one who fell first. The one who would do anything to keep it the way it was at the beginning."
I really need to stop feeling like the characters. Yes, I think I would do almost anything to keep certain friendships the way they were at the beginning. Hmm. 4 people are almost constantly in my mind when I think of friendships nowadays. In fact, this entry will have a lot of references to them?
'I loved her so much I let her go.'
First though: "Fly away" by Corinne May. Same idea. "I love you too much to make you stay... Baby, fly away". That's a line from the song. It's because of things like this that I question how deep is my love for people? Can I let them go? Last year, it was those 3. Now, I don't know who I'm supposed to let go and who I'm supposed to hold on to. I want to hold on to you 9 for as long as possible. But is that what's best for everyone? Is that what's best for you? I have my doubts... Sometimes, if you love someone that much, you let them go. That's a lesson I'm going to have to learn the hard way, I guess? Things like this, only after going through the experience, will I truly be able to understand this...
... since any fool could tell you that neither calendula nor any other potion known to man could possibly soothe right through to the soul.
How true, ya?
Allie remembered once hearing a song that said the first person you fell in love with stole your heart. The first person you made love with stole your soul. And if these were one and the same, you were damned.
Has my heart been stolen? That's a rhetorical question, don't you agree? Hmm... Interesting quote. That's all I shall say.
Got to get ready for church soon. Why do I know the tears will probably fall again? Hmm. There were still more quotes that I like. I might have another entry on it. Depends. That's all for now...
The whole book touches on the topic of loving another person and how far one was willing to go in the name of love. The whole conflict in this story was about how one husband killed his wife because she was suffering from cancer and asked him to kill her. He loved her so much that he was willing to do anything for her... Another topic that I really like was how one person was always the one who gave more in the relationship. Often, things like 70-30 and 60-40 cropped up. Anyway, time to start quoting then I'll blog more...
You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride."
Is this true? I don't think it just applies to marriages. Relationships, friendships... It's like that, isn't it? There's always someone who holds on tighter? I guess that's why I'm always hurt so deep, yes? Even now, I haven't given up on you 3. It drained me a lot last year but this year, I guess I've gotten more adjusted to it? Oh well...
'I'm the one like you,' Jaime said. 'The one who fell first. The one who would do anything to keep it the way it was at the beginning."
I really need to stop feeling like the characters. Yes, I think I would do almost anything to keep certain friendships the way they were at the beginning. Hmm. 4 people are almost constantly in my mind when I think of friendships nowadays. In fact, this entry will have a lot of references to them?
'I loved her so much I let her go.'
First though: "Fly away" by Corinne May. Same idea. "I love you too much to make you stay... Baby, fly away". That's a line from the song. It's because of things like this that I question how deep is my love for people? Can I let them go? Last year, it was those 3. Now, I don't know who I'm supposed to let go and who I'm supposed to hold on to. I want to hold on to you 9 for as long as possible. But is that what's best for everyone? Is that what's best for you? I have my doubts... Sometimes, if you love someone that much, you let them go. That's a lesson I'm going to have to learn the hard way, I guess? Things like this, only after going through the experience, will I truly be able to understand this...
... since any fool could tell you that neither calendula nor any other potion known to man could possibly soothe right through to the soul.
How true, ya?
Allie remembered once hearing a song that said the first person you fell in love with stole your heart. The first person you made love with stole your soul. And if these were one and the same, you were damned.
Has my heart been stolen? That's a rhetorical question, don't you agree? Hmm... Interesting quote. That's all I shall say.
Got to get ready for church soon. Why do I know the tears will probably fall again? Hmm. There were still more quotes that I like. I might have another entry on it. Depends. That's all for now...
conversation with mei...
Hmm. Went Jurong Point yesterday after CCA ended... Quite interesting? I'm being way too impulsive when it comes to buying things. Bought another book for myself. I'll be blogging about it soon. =p Knowing me, I'll probably buy the Happy Feet soundtrack next. Heehee. Shall resist the urge to go down to a CD shop soon...
But anyway, back to the title. Took the bus back with mei after leaving Jurong Point. The conversation wasn't very light-hearted, ya? Sorry... Covered some topics and all. Interesting comment she made. It's something along the lines of how my style is like in terms of friendship. I'm not purposely being vauge but can't remember what was it she said. But this question came to my mind... Shall blog about it when I'm blogging about "Mercy"... =p
Realized that I'm actually quite open and honest with mei and vice versa. Guess that's why we're not too worried about sharing a room and all next year? Hmm... Ok. I want to blog about a book and start quoting! So time to end this entry and have another entry! =) Heehee. Might have 4 entries today... Maybe even 5, one more after coming back from church? Who knows...
But anyway, back to the title. Took the bus back with mei after leaving Jurong Point. The conversation wasn't very light-hearted, ya? Sorry... Covered some topics and all. Interesting comment she made. It's something along the lines of how my style is like in terms of friendship. I'm not purposely being vauge but can't remember what was it she said. But this question came to my mind... Shall blog about it when I'm blogging about "Mercy"... =p
Realized that I'm actually quite open and honest with mei and vice versa. Guess that's why we're not too worried about sharing a room and all next year? Hmm... Ok. I want to blog about a book and start quoting! So time to end this entry and have another entry! =) Heehee. Might have 4 entries today... Maybe even 5, one more after coming back from church? Who knows...
a walk to remember
Yay! Finally got around to watching it after having the disc for how many months. Was a bit hesitant before watching the show since I've read the book and I know how this story can get rather emotional and all... But mei was singing the praises of the show and I really wanted to watch it so just laid down on my bed and watched the show on my computer. Must really be thankful that my dad bought a LCD screen for the computer inside my room, for the purpose of letting me watch DVDs and all.. =)
There's really a lot that I want to blog about on the show... Sighs. Except I have no idea where to start.
Hmm. I think I've got it. I'll start off with this verse that was repeated during the show. Once when Jaime gives him the book and at the wedding... I prefer the version at the wedding.
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes..."
When I watched this show and heard this verse, both times, I thought of seeing the line written down in a notebook. But anyway, the last line is especially meaningful. Maybe that explains why I'm still like that even after everything? It's not whether I'm nice or not, it's more than that.
The movie was different from the book in some areas but still as touching. There were so many times that I understood the feelings of the characters. I think this is one show that made me cry so many times til I lost track. Especially during the songs... "Only hope" and "Cry"... I was waiting in anticipation for the latter song. I miss hearing the song as I first heard it. But that's one version that I can't obtain that easily... Oh well. At least, I have the songs on my computer.
The ending's just so bittersweet. Not an exact quote but there was something about how just like the wind, love is something that you can't see but you can feel it...
There's really a lot that I want to blog about on the show... Sighs. Except I have no idea where to start.
Hmm. I think I've got it. I'll start off with this verse that was repeated during the show. Once when Jaime gives him the book and at the wedding... I prefer the version at the wedding.
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes..."
When I watched this show and heard this verse, both times, I thought of seeing the line written down in a notebook. But anyway, the last line is especially meaningful. Maybe that explains why I'm still like that even after everything? It's not whether I'm nice or not, it's more than that.
The movie was different from the book in some areas but still as touching. There were so many times that I understood the feelings of the characters. I think this is one show that made me cry so many times til I lost track. Especially during the songs... "Only hope" and "Cry"... I was waiting in anticipation for the latter song. I miss hearing the song as I first heard it. But that's one version that I can't obtain that easily... Oh well. At least, I have the songs on my computer.
The ending's just so bittersweet. Not an exact quote but there was something about how just like the wind, love is something that you can't see but you can feel it...
listening
Hmm... I had to end off my entry on thursday since I couldn't really focus on blogging while chatting on MSN and talking on the phone. Normally, multi-tasking those 3 things is not a problem. But on thursday, all the conversations required my full attention. I was already stretching myself with MSN and the phone call already.
Surprisingly, my mood wasn't affected that badly or anything even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by the sudden jump in conversations. And these conversations weren't just topics on the surface... A lot of the conversations became rather deep, something that surprised me. Honestly, I was being forced to face a few issues at the same time on thursday but I welcomed it?
I realized why I could stay in control even when I felt overwhelmed. Let's deal with one issue at a time... Was talking to Glo on MSN. Hmm. Glo, you didn't know how good your timing was. Heehee. But yes, had to face certain things head-on. I hope that things can be resolved between those 2? Times like this, I do wonder whether my staying on would have prevented all these. It seemed as if everything went downhill after I left. Sighs. The only reason why I ever wanted to go back to NY is because of you 3... 3 of you, please take care? Hope to meet up with you all together one day soon.
Another MSN conversation. Hmm... I wasn't too surprised that you opened a conv with me? But anyway, please believe me when I said it wasn't your fault or anything. Don't want you to feel guilty or bad. Smile, ya? =)
And then talking to renee on the phone and trying to help her out with some stuff. -cough- Heehee. It was rather amusing and interesting. Didn't think I would have to help you with that kind of situation that soon. Guess it's just as well I'm used to things like that?
But yes, I realized that I'm ok and cope with functioning as a listener/comforter. It's something that comes naturally to me, to listen, to comfort, to be there. I guess I thrive on things like that? So ya... That explains a lot, doesn't it? But ya... Someone once said that something along the lines of how being there for others and all kind of became a job, a responsibility. Well, I understand it more than ever now. It's second nature to do things like that. It's always been and hopefully, it always will be.
Surprisingly, my mood wasn't affected that badly or anything even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by the sudden jump in conversations. And these conversations weren't just topics on the surface... A lot of the conversations became rather deep, something that surprised me. Honestly, I was being forced to face a few issues at the same time on thursday but I welcomed it?
I realized why I could stay in control even when I felt overwhelmed. Let's deal with one issue at a time... Was talking to Glo on MSN. Hmm. Glo, you didn't know how good your timing was. Heehee. But yes, had to face certain things head-on. I hope that things can be resolved between those 2? Times like this, I do wonder whether my staying on would have prevented all these. It seemed as if everything went downhill after I left. Sighs. The only reason why I ever wanted to go back to NY is because of you 3... 3 of you, please take care? Hope to meet up with you all together one day soon.
Another MSN conversation. Hmm... I wasn't too surprised that you opened a conv with me? But anyway, please believe me when I said it wasn't your fault or anything. Don't want you to feel guilty or bad. Smile, ya? =)
And then talking to renee on the phone and trying to help her out with some stuff. -cough- Heehee. It was rather amusing and interesting. Didn't think I would have to help you with that kind of situation that soon. Guess it's just as well I'm used to things like that?
But yes, I realized that I'm ok and cope with functioning as a listener/comforter. It's something that comes naturally to me, to listen, to comfort, to be there. I guess I thrive on things like that? So ya... That explains a lot, doesn't it? But ya... Someone once said that something along the lines of how being there for others and all kind of became a job, a responsibility. Well, I understand it more than ever now. It's second nature to do things like that. It's always been and hopefully, it always will be.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
taxing day for my eyes..
Heehee. I apologize to my eyes. Woke up this morning with sore eyes. Ok, to be exact, a sore eye. Guess I shouldn't have rubbed that hard and that long last night. =p It was irritating. But yes, it's like my first time having sore eyes.
Didn't realize it was contagious and still came to school. =p But ya, it got better throughout the day so whew. Didn't want to skip school today. Thought it would be a good day but then again, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if I skipped school today. At recess, me and mei were debating about whether thursdays were the worst day of the school week or not. I disagreed with her but then again, today's been quite tiring.
Lessons were rather ok overall. Maths, ok. English. Hey, it's english. Don't think you'll hear me complain about it much. But yes, was making an observation about myself after reading a passage in english. Shall blog about that some other time. Lunch. Possibly the worst time of school today. Thanks mei and nes. Heehee. One of the advantages of being in a school that specializes on science: the library is well-stocked. =) Art was ok. Chinese... I just took the chance to sleep. Wish I could have stayed awake to watch the show though. Physics. Just stoned. Test results were not too surprising. Math test. Hmm... Careless mistakes?
Yay! It was raining! But yes, used up my rain quota for this semester so couldn't enjoy the rain? =p Hmm... Was guai and used an umbrella on the way home. So there...
Anyway, I can't really multi-task so I shall stop blogging now. Will blog again some other time.
Didn't realize it was contagious and still came to school. =p But ya, it got better throughout the day so whew. Didn't want to skip school today. Thought it would be a good day but then again, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if I skipped school today. At recess, me and mei were debating about whether thursdays were the worst day of the school week or not. I disagreed with her but then again, today's been quite tiring.
Lessons were rather ok overall. Maths, ok. English. Hey, it's english. Don't think you'll hear me complain about it much. But yes, was making an observation about myself after reading a passage in english. Shall blog about that some other time. Lunch. Possibly the worst time of school today. Thanks mei and nes. Heehee. One of the advantages of being in a school that specializes on science: the library is well-stocked. =) Art was ok. Chinese... I just took the chance to sleep. Wish I could have stayed awake to watch the show though. Physics. Just stoned. Test results were not too surprising. Math test. Hmm... Careless mistakes?
Yay! It was raining! But yes, used up my rain quota for this semester so couldn't enjoy the rain? =p Hmm... Was guai and used an umbrella on the way home. So there...
Anyway, I can't really multi-task so I shall stop blogging now. Will blog again some other time.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
gushing in Orchard
Went out yesterday to Orchard with gan jie and her friend... But after they had to go, I was left with around 1 hour plus to wander around orchard before I met up with my relatives for dinner.
A lot of gushing was going on when I was in orchard so here goes... =)
Went to kinokuniya to just look at stuff... Saw jodi picoult and was going all crazy since they had almost every book there, including the three that I haven't read. I've never seen two of them before?! Ack. Too bad I spent $20 earlier on in Plaza Singapura so didn't buy anything. Yet. =p Wandered around Kino and chanced upon this whole row of scores! Imagine this. One whole shelve of scores of Christian scores. Then times the shelve by 7 to 8 times and that's like scores of pop songs and soundtracks. Guess what was the first soundtrack that caught my eye? Ice princess! =) Then on the other side of the shelves, classical scores, Disney and musicals... Was rather high internally and gushing but somehow, it lacked the usual highness? Really wished that anyone was there with me to join in the gushing. I mean, Kino's better stocked than any store I've walked into for the past few years. All the scores I want in one place! =) After awhile, had to drag myself away from there. Went to look at the stationery section. Saw a lot of thin files with nice design! But since I had only $20 and had to buy various things, I resisted the urge to shop first and continued window-shopping.
Next stop: Art friend! -bounce- Ok... I was guai. Limited myself to the paper section. Was pulling out random pieces of paper and trying to decide which ones were nicer... Heehee. I should go back there with more money. But ya, finally got around to buying paper with nice patterns/designs. Decided I needed a file to protect the paper since I was carrying a small slingbag so yes... =p Does that sound like an excuse? Heehee. Oh well... Bought one file and then realized I could afford one Jodi Picoult book so yes... Spoilt myself by buying one of the books. =) In case you don't know, I rarely buy things so impulsively and with my own money. =p Was debating whether to get one more file... But since I couldn't decide between the various designs so didn't get. I mean, how does one pick between designs cute dogs, waterfall, dolphins, patterns, sky, ocean? It's craziness. So went around the rest of the stationery section and managed to freak mei out over the phone. Basically, I saw this whole section of really nice stickers and was talking in an unusual tone of voice. =p Poor mei...
Walked to Borders but due to time constraints, it was really just walking through without really looking out for specific titles. I have perfect timing! Crossed the traffic light and saw my cousin, her husband, my aunt and grandmother in the car at the traffic junction and so hopped on. =) Heehee. Nice example of good timing, ya?
A lot of gushing was going on when I was in orchard so here goes... =)
Went to kinokuniya to just look at stuff... Saw jodi picoult and was going all crazy since they had almost every book there, including the three that I haven't read. I've never seen two of them before?! Ack. Too bad I spent $20 earlier on in Plaza Singapura so didn't buy anything. Yet. =p Wandered around Kino and chanced upon this whole row of scores! Imagine this. One whole shelve of scores of Christian scores. Then times the shelve by 7 to 8 times and that's like scores of pop songs and soundtracks. Guess what was the first soundtrack that caught my eye? Ice princess! =) Then on the other side of the shelves, classical scores, Disney and musicals... Was rather high internally and gushing but somehow, it lacked the usual highness? Really wished that anyone was there with me to join in the gushing. I mean, Kino's better stocked than any store I've walked into for the past few years. All the scores I want in one place! =) After awhile, had to drag myself away from there. Went to look at the stationery section. Saw a lot of thin files with nice design! But since I had only $20 and had to buy various things, I resisted the urge to shop first and continued window-shopping.
Next stop: Art friend! -bounce- Ok... I was guai. Limited myself to the paper section. Was pulling out random pieces of paper and trying to decide which ones were nicer... Heehee. I should go back there with more money. But ya, finally got around to buying paper with nice patterns/designs. Decided I needed a file to protect the paper since I was carrying a small slingbag so yes... =p Does that sound like an excuse? Heehee. Oh well... Bought one file and then realized I could afford one Jodi Picoult book so yes... Spoilt myself by buying one of the books. =) In case you don't know, I rarely buy things so impulsively and with my own money. =p Was debating whether to get one more file... But since I couldn't decide between the various designs so didn't get. I mean, how does one pick between designs cute dogs, waterfall, dolphins, patterns, sky, ocean? It's craziness. So went around the rest of the stationery section and managed to freak mei out over the phone. Basically, I saw this whole section of really nice stickers and was talking in an unusual tone of voice. =p Poor mei...
Walked to Borders but due to time constraints, it was really just walking through without really looking out for specific titles. I have perfect timing! Crossed the traffic light and saw my cousin, her husband, my aunt and grandmother in the car at the traffic junction and so hopped on. =) Heehee. Nice example of good timing, ya?
Monday, February 19, 2007
pendant
I didn't need to see my cousin wearing that pendant. Of all the pendants in the world, why that one? Sighs... I'm sure you three would have similar reactions if you all saw that pendant.
Yes, it's that one. Heart-shaped. Sparkly. Now, I wonder what that reminds me of... Not just the character who wears it but rather, it triggered off this whole set of memories. And the last thing I needed was to start reminiscing about the past and get all reflective when my relatives were around. Sighs. But yes, that pendant and various other things just have way too many memories?
I miss those days. How about you three?
Yes, it's that one. Heart-shaped. Sparkly. Now, I wonder what that reminds me of... Not just the character who wears it but rather, it triggered off this whole set of memories. And the last thing I needed was to start reminiscing about the past and get all reflective when my relatives were around. Sighs. But yes, that pendant and various other things just have way too many memories?
I miss those days. How about you three?
what i want to do...
Sighs. I really dislike having to pick between who to go out with. It used to be so much simpler last time?
I've got a bit of homework to finish up but I'm not in the mood...
I want to watch the two disc that my friends burned for me.
I want to go somewhere and just rest.
I want to meet up with my friends.
I want to write a letter.
I want to type out the next few chapters.
I want to practice piano.
I want to play the guitar.
Whee! There's way too many things that I want to do. And firstly, I need to finish my homework. Sighs... Enough blogging now. I'm not being a good host. There are guests at my house so out of my room, I go.
I've got a bit of homework to finish up but I'm not in the mood...
I want to watch the two disc that my friends burned for me.
I want to go somewhere and just rest.
I want to meet up with my friends.
I want to write a letter.
I want to type out the next few chapters.
I want to practice piano.
I want to play the guitar.
Whee! There's way too many things that I want to do. And firstly, I need to finish my homework. Sighs... Enough blogging now. I'm not being a good host. There are guests at my house so out of my room, I go.
1st day of CNY
Before I start blogging about how chu yi was, I feel like being random and commenting on how my phone shares the same taste for sweet stuff as me. With the previous phone, it was honey. And then now, this current phone likes ribena and miranda... Oh well. =p Too much sugar is bad for it though so have to keep it away from sweet stuff. =p
Ok. Let's see... It's weird to not go around visiting people and taking mandarin oranges. And dressing-wise, I'm not used to not having to doll up in bright colours and all... I was wearing white and brown today?! Whee! Must thank my mum for the new top. Collared blouse.. =) Went grandmother's house for most part of today. By the way, the prosperity burger that McDonald sells is super spicy and hot! My relatives were commenting on how they could see me sweating.. But ya, the black pepper's hot. My cheeks were rather pink after that. Did a bit of maths but gave up and went upstairs to sleep. Told my mum to wake me up at 3 but she didn't hear me so I only woke up at around 4. I slept for like 3 hours?! Sighs...
Went Changi Village for dinner. Then stopped for awhile at Changi beach just to enjoy the breeze... Anyone wants to guess what went through my head/what was my mood? =p Whee! I don't really like Changi beach because can't go down to the water but the breeze there is really nice and relaxing. Was just enjoying the wind and hearing the waves. Sighs. I think I need to retreat somewhere for a couple of hours again. Although sleeping's a good alternative, I need something more than that. Quite a few potential places in mind. Hmm... KIV. But not anytime soon. I can't find the time. Weirdness. I can find time to accompany others but I can't find time for myself. Sighs. After going to Changi beach, was driving home when dad realized we were near Marina and the fireworks were about to start so he drove around that area til the fireworks started. Pretty! That's all I want to recount about the 1st day of CNY...
Time to backtrack a bit to Saturday. Was staying up to watch the Saturday night movie. Mei, you realize that we're watching it every week if possible? Tsk us. Anyway, while watching the show, realized how much I want some things but probably won't have them anytime soon. Sighs. I shall blog a bit further on this. Last time, I had item 1 but I wanted item 2. Then I had item 2 and was so contented and didn't really need item 1 anymore. But after awhile, I lost everything. And now, I have none. I want and quite possibly need at least one of the items. Is it too much to want those items again? It hurts when you don't have what you want but it hurts even more when you had it once but lost it. By the way, item 1 and 2 are quite similar and they really are items, not references to people or anything, ok?
Enough weird, random thoughts. Ohh! Shall end off with this quote from someone which amused me greatly, "Dang, I feel so scandalous." Heehee... You'll never guess who said that. No, not me. =p
Ok. Let's see... It's weird to not go around visiting people and taking mandarin oranges. And dressing-wise, I'm not used to not having to doll up in bright colours and all... I was wearing white and brown today?! Whee! Must thank my mum for the new top. Collared blouse.. =) Went grandmother's house for most part of today. By the way, the prosperity burger that McDonald sells is super spicy and hot! My relatives were commenting on how they could see me sweating.. But ya, the black pepper's hot. My cheeks were rather pink after that. Did a bit of maths but gave up and went upstairs to sleep. Told my mum to wake me up at 3 but she didn't hear me so I only woke up at around 4. I slept for like 3 hours?! Sighs...
Went Changi Village for dinner. Then stopped for awhile at Changi beach just to enjoy the breeze... Anyone wants to guess what went through my head/what was my mood? =p Whee! I don't really like Changi beach because can't go down to the water but the breeze there is really nice and relaxing. Was just enjoying the wind and hearing the waves. Sighs. I think I need to retreat somewhere for a couple of hours again. Although sleeping's a good alternative, I need something more than that. Quite a few potential places in mind. Hmm... KIV. But not anytime soon. I can't find the time. Weirdness. I can find time to accompany others but I can't find time for myself. Sighs. After going to Changi beach, was driving home when dad realized we were near Marina and the fireworks were about to start so he drove around that area til the fireworks started. Pretty! That's all I want to recount about the 1st day of CNY...
Time to backtrack a bit to Saturday. Was staying up to watch the Saturday night movie. Mei, you realize that we're watching it every week if possible? Tsk us. Anyway, while watching the show, realized how much I want some things but probably won't have them anytime soon. Sighs. I shall blog a bit further on this. Last time, I had item 1 but I wanted item 2. Then I had item 2 and was so contented and didn't really need item 1 anymore. But after awhile, I lost everything. And now, I have none. I want and quite possibly need at least one of the items. Is it too much to want those items again? It hurts when you don't have what you want but it hurts even more when you had it once but lost it. By the way, item 1 and 2 are quite similar and they really are items, not references to people or anything, ok?
Enough weird, random thoughts. Ohh! Shall end off with this quote from someone which amused me greatly, "Dang, I feel so scandalous." Heehee... You'll never guess who said that. No, not me. =p
Saturday, February 17, 2007
another day
Uhohh. I shouldn't read fictionpress stories. Even if they're not about romance stories, anything that has to do with friends just tears away the mask on my face and removes the plaster on my heart... Sighs.
Ok. That was just a spur of the moment thought so ya... Anyway, let's recount yesterday? CNY concert. Messed up too many times. I'm just choosing to forget about it and move on. But really, I know I could have done so much better. Went back to HPPS. Hmm, I need to find time to go down and talk to the teachers. It's nice to talk to them. Went to ZX's house after that with ex-classmates. Just slacked around. Whee! Playing pool is fun. I want to play more often. Basically, anything that makes me focus on it and forget about everything else is good. =p >.< I should stop saying things like that. But yes, I realize that I need to control my mind and stop thinking about stuff. It's not good for me.
There isn't that much to blog about? Oh well. Unlike most of you, I'll be home for quite a good part of the CNY holidays since I can't go visiting. I guess I'll try to use the time to catch up on my sleep and also get down to doing some stuff that I've been postponing. On a side note, my room is so much tidier now. Been packing the afternoon away..
Ok. That was just a spur of the moment thought so ya... Anyway, let's recount yesterday? CNY concert. Messed up too many times. I'm just choosing to forget about it and move on. But really, I know I could have done so much better. Went back to HPPS. Hmm, I need to find time to go down and talk to the teachers. It's nice to talk to them. Went to ZX's house after that with ex-classmates. Just slacked around. Whee! Playing pool is fun. I want to play more often. Basically, anything that makes me focus on it and forget about everything else is good. =p >.< I should stop saying things like that. But yes, I realize that I need to control my mind and stop thinking about stuff. It's not good for me.
There isn't that much to blog about? Oh well. Unlike most of you, I'll be home for quite a good part of the CNY holidays since I can't go visiting. I guess I'll try to use the time to catch up on my sleep and also get down to doing some stuff that I've been postponing. On a side note, my room is so much tidier now. Been packing the afternoon away..
Thursday, February 15, 2007
long day..
Heehee. I should stop keeping this up. Today's the 2nd day that I reach home past 7 and tomorrow, I won't be home til 10 plus or so? Yesterday was due to rehearsal. Today was because I met up with mel and stayed at Holland Village til 9. Tomorrow, CNY concert, visit HPPS, going out with ex-classmates, church. Tsk myself. Oh well.
A recount of today. The most unforgettable incident of today. Towards the end of recess. Heehee. Mei pointed out something and I was like "Oh dang". Then she asked why. So I explained to her the whole concept of triggers and all and how I link everything together rather well, in fact too well at times. So we were going up the stairs and I was explaining things to her when she tells me that someone's here. I didn't hear her until she repeated herself. Then I looked up. Yeps. The timing's rather unnerving. Then once you walked past us, I started laughing. Think you heard it. But yes, I was laughing at the irony of the whole situation... Heehee. I am one weird person. Seriously, such a thing becoming the most unforgettable incident of the day. And my whole reaction... Oh well. Let's see what else happened today. The whole frantic rush to find something suitable for tomorrow. Holland Village. Dinner. Talking with mel. Parallels.
Ohh! I need to add on to the previous incident. After that, we had english. Whee! I love the passage we were doing for English, "Finding true love". Rofl. Sorry. I cannot help but be really amused at the irony of everything. I don't even need my mind to link things together. Situations just come and trigger off memories. ziah... Heehee. I don't know what mood to be in nowadays. Too many times, I'm learning how to tread the fine line between things. Laadeedaa. Oops?
Ack. Nervous about tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it. There's this fear and apprehension. Wonder why... Never mind, it'll all be over by 11. Have I mentioned that I love it when things can be interpreted more than one way? =p
A recount of today. The most unforgettable incident of today. Towards the end of recess. Heehee. Mei pointed out something and I was like "Oh dang". Then she asked why. So I explained to her the whole concept of triggers and all and how I link everything together rather well, in fact too well at times. So we were going up the stairs and I was explaining things to her when she tells me that someone's here. I didn't hear her until she repeated herself. Then I looked up. Yeps. The timing's rather unnerving. Then once you walked past us, I started laughing. Think you heard it. But yes, I was laughing at the irony of the whole situation... Heehee. I am one weird person. Seriously, such a thing becoming the most unforgettable incident of the day. And my whole reaction... Oh well. Let's see what else happened today. The whole frantic rush to find something suitable for tomorrow. Holland Village. Dinner. Talking with mel. Parallels.
Ohh! I need to add on to the previous incident. After that, we had english. Whee! I love the passage we were doing for English, "Finding true love". Rofl. Sorry. I cannot help but be really amused at the irony of everything. I don't even need my mind to link things together. Situations just come and trigger off memories. ziah... Heehee. I don't know what mood to be in nowadays. Too many times, I'm learning how to tread the fine line between things. Laadeedaa. Oops?
Ack. Nervous about tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it. There's this fear and apprehension. Wonder why... Never mind, it'll all be over by 11. Have I mentioned that I love it when things can be interpreted more than one way? =p
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
14th feb
Wishing everyone a Happy Valentine's Day! Or whatever's left of it anyway. =p
Hmm. I'll do a quick recount of today before I start blogging about my pet topic. =p Heehee. Let's see. Thanks mummy, cass, melanie and charmaine for giving me V-day prezzies! =) And all those that wished me a happy vday! =) Highlights of today. I'll blog in the word/phrase style. =p
Singing competition. Impromptu introduction. Unexpected results. Class unity. Red t-shirts. Amusing "commentary". Suitability of guys. -cough- CNY rehearsal. That's all. Honestly though, I think today was one of my worst V-days ever. No, it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm single or what. I've always been single throughout the years so ya. =p But rather, too many things going through my mind at various times. At the start of the day, worrying took up quite a bit of my time. Then as the day progresses, worry continued and tiredness and sleepiness came to join it too. So ya... Surprisingly though, I haven't gotten moody. Just tired. Oh well... Enough about today. Time to move on to the next part of the entry. =p
Valentine's Day. A day that people give gifts to their other half or to those they love. Of course, it's not just limited to love between couples. I mean, my mother gives me a little something special each year on this day so yeps. Hmm... Do we have to wait til the 14th of Feb before we give gifts to others? Oh well. That was on a side note.
What's my pet topic? Relationships. Heehee. Or at least mei claims it is. I'm not really objecting. Since it's V-day today, I think it's a rather appropriate time to blog about my personal opinion and all on relationships and other stuff. Warning: the following paragraphs will be pretty disorganized...
More and more teenagers are getting into relationships. That's an undeniable fact. But what is the point of getting into a relationship? I used to ask those around me that. When were you two considered a couple? When you're single, you tend to have many questions and watch with interest those couples around you. Sadly enough, I think that our generation at times don't really treasure and value relationships. How do people move on from one relationship to another so fast?
Love. How do you tell when you love someone? I mean, apart from the extreme cases of "I'll die to save the person" and stuff like that... How do you tell that you're really in love? Provoking question. I can't answer it. But I can say that I have loved before. Don't start thinking wrong. It's perfectly normal to love my family, ya? =p Heehee. There. But yes, I guess this blog entry's been enough about questions and generalizations. It's time to be egoistic and blog about my own experience and all..
Of course, I've had my share of crushes and all. Looking back, I half-cringe and smile at those memories. But I've also learned what it means to love someone, to care for someone so much that you place the person before yourself. Ya, I do that for most of my friends but for some of them, the extent that I do it has been considered a bit "crazy" and "extreme", I think. =p As someone pointed out to me before, "They are your world." Sighs. I think I've been putting this next part off for as long as I could.
Love is one powerful emotion. It's successfully knock down any barriers and walls I've placed within myself over the past weeks. No matter how I tried to ignore it, I can't. I still love you. That's never changed. Yes, I'm saying this openly. I love someone. People have been telling me I'll get over it and all but honestly, I doubt it. The feelings are still as strong as before. Sighs. Why the sigh? Because I really feel so helpless. It wasn't easy coping with loving someone but it was still bearable but now, helplessness has taken on another level. Sighs. But loving someone means wanting what's best for the person, right? So because of that, I've got to learn how to move on. How contradictory. To love someone and yet have to move on. Sighs. But it makes perfect sense.. Though it's tempting to write one of those dedication entries, I don't think it's suitable so nope, not blogging anymore on this.
Heehee. To end off this entry, just want to say "I love you" to all my friends. I love you all in the strictly platonic way, ya? Everyone, please take care. Happy Valentine's Day!
Hmm. I'll do a quick recount of today before I start blogging about my pet topic. =p Heehee. Let's see. Thanks mummy, cass, melanie and charmaine for giving me V-day prezzies! =) And all those that wished me a happy vday! =) Highlights of today. I'll blog in the word/phrase style. =p
Singing competition. Impromptu introduction. Unexpected results. Class unity. Red t-shirts. Amusing "commentary". Suitability of guys. -cough- CNY rehearsal. That's all. Honestly though, I think today was one of my worst V-days ever. No, it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm single or what. I've always been single throughout the years so ya. =p But rather, too many things going through my mind at various times. At the start of the day, worrying took up quite a bit of my time. Then as the day progresses, worry continued and tiredness and sleepiness came to join it too. So ya... Surprisingly though, I haven't gotten moody. Just tired. Oh well... Enough about today. Time to move on to the next part of the entry. =p
Valentine's Day. A day that people give gifts to their other half or to those they love. Of course, it's not just limited to love between couples. I mean, my mother gives me a little something special each year on this day so yeps. Hmm... Do we have to wait til the 14th of Feb before we give gifts to others? Oh well. That was on a side note.
What's my pet topic? Relationships. Heehee. Or at least mei claims it is. I'm not really objecting. Since it's V-day today, I think it's a rather appropriate time to blog about my personal opinion and all on relationships and other stuff. Warning: the following paragraphs will be pretty disorganized...
More and more teenagers are getting into relationships. That's an undeniable fact. But what is the point of getting into a relationship? I used to ask those around me that. When were you two considered a couple? When you're single, you tend to have many questions and watch with interest those couples around you. Sadly enough, I think that our generation at times don't really treasure and value relationships. How do people move on from one relationship to another so fast?
Love. How do you tell when you love someone? I mean, apart from the extreme cases of "I'll die to save the person" and stuff like that... How do you tell that you're really in love? Provoking question. I can't answer it. But I can say that I have loved before. Don't start thinking wrong. It's perfectly normal to love my family, ya? =p Heehee. There. But yes, I guess this blog entry's been enough about questions and generalizations. It's time to be egoistic and blog about my own experience and all..
Of course, I've had my share of crushes and all. Looking back, I half-cringe and smile at those memories. But I've also learned what it means to love someone, to care for someone so much that you place the person before yourself. Ya, I do that for most of my friends but for some of them, the extent that I do it has been considered a bit "crazy" and "extreme", I think. =p As someone pointed out to me before, "They are your world." Sighs. I think I've been putting this next part off for as long as I could.
Love is one powerful emotion. It's successfully knock down any barriers and walls I've placed within myself over the past weeks. No matter how I tried to ignore it, I can't. I still love you. That's never changed. Yes, I'm saying this openly. I love someone. People have been telling me I'll get over it and all but honestly, I doubt it. The feelings are still as strong as before. Sighs. Why the sigh? Because I really feel so helpless. It wasn't easy coping with loving someone but it was still bearable but now, helplessness has taken on another level. Sighs. But loving someone means wanting what's best for the person, right? So because of that, I've got to learn how to move on. How contradictory. To love someone and yet have to move on. Sighs. But it makes perfect sense.. Though it's tempting to write one of those dedication entries, I don't think it's suitable so nope, not blogging anymore on this.
Heehee. To end off this entry, just want to say "I love you" to all my friends. I love you all in the strictly platonic way, ya? Everyone, please take care. Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
agape love
Overpriced roses, heart-shaped chocolates, you just know what it's about to be Valentine's Day. I'll reserve blogging about my pet topic til tomorrow. =p That'll be interesting... This entry and tomorrow's might overlap quite a bit.
What is agape love? It's commonly used to describe God's love towards us or love between Christians. But it can still be defined clearer. Agape love is unconditional. How many of us can say that we have loved someone unconditionally? No matter how often I've said those three words to others before, I can't say that the love I had for others was unconditional. It's still human nature to want something back in return, it's just whether you realize it or it's subconscious.
Anyway, two weeks ago during altar call, I was reminded of the whole concept of agape love. Refer back to that entry if you want. But yes, it was after that altar call that I realized how unconditional God's love really is and how I fall so short of showing that love to others. Have you ever done something wrong and you were sure others would judge you for it and criticize you? Ever felt unworthy to be forgiven? I know I have. But as this adult leader prayed for me, she was reminding me of how God forgives me of everything. And even now, I'm still so amazed by it. Loving someone for who they are, no matter what they do. It's not easy. I know what I feel isn't just a crush. And now, I'm hoping that one day, I can love others the way God loves me. Unconditionally. Selflessly. Subconsciously, I realized I do want something in return when I love others. That was the main issue I was struggling with for the past few weeks. I think I've understood the concept of agape love. That was the easy part. Now, the challenge is to show it to others. I'm trying. I've been trying.
What is agape love? It's commonly used to describe God's love towards us or love between Christians. But it can still be defined clearer. Agape love is unconditional. How many of us can say that we have loved someone unconditionally? No matter how often I've said those three words to others before, I can't say that the love I had for others was unconditional. It's still human nature to want something back in return, it's just whether you realize it or it's subconscious.
Anyway, two weeks ago during altar call, I was reminded of the whole concept of agape love. Refer back to that entry if you want. But yes, it was after that altar call that I realized how unconditional God's love really is and how I fall so short of showing that love to others. Have you ever done something wrong and you were sure others would judge you for it and criticize you? Ever felt unworthy to be forgiven? I know I have. But as this adult leader prayed for me, she was reminding me of how God forgives me of everything. And even now, I'm still so amazed by it. Loving someone for who they are, no matter what they do. It's not easy. I know what I feel isn't just a crush. And now, I'm hoping that one day, I can love others the way God loves me. Unconditionally. Selflessly. Subconsciously, I realized I do want something in return when I love others. That was the main issue I was struggling with for the past few weeks. I think I've understood the concept of agape love. That was the easy part. Now, the challenge is to show it to others. I'm trying. I've been trying.
Monday, February 12, 2007
5 love languages
Since Wed's Valentine Day, I guess I shall stop practicing self-control and start blogging these whole series of entries on love and anything related to that. Finally... It's been accumalating over the past few weeks. Heehee.
Hmm. 5 love languages. For those who don't know, it's words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of services and physical touch. Basically, these 5 kind of sum up the ways of showing love to a person. Yeps. Everyone's different so it's a given that people have different love languages. What is your primary love language? Or to be put it most simply, which love language out of the 5 is the most important to you in a relationship?
Love languages in a relationship consist of how you show your love to the other person and also how you want them to show their love to you. No prizes for guessing my love languages. But actually, it's changed a bit over the years.
In my childhood days, I know gifts from my mum certainly made my day. But apart from gifts, words of affirmation and quality time were especially important to me. In fact, quality time was probably the most important thing for me in primary school. That would explain why I dislike him so much even though he pampered me with everything I wanted. Sighs.
But anyway, it's changed slightly in secondary school. Yes, I still like gifts and you should see my reaction whenever I receive something I like but they're no longer as important. I did a test recently.. My primary love language is quality time, which had 10 points. And then, a bit of a surprise. Physical touch at 8 points followed by receiving gifts and words of affirmation which were tied at 5 points. Hmm... I'll start off with my preference in the 5 love languages. Quality time's always been very important to me, guess that's why my friends take priorities over a lot of things. It's true, I value quality time a lot so one of the things that always hurt is when I'm deprived of quality time with friends.
Physical touch. Before anyone starts thinking in a twisted way, let me clarify. Physical touch can also be hugs between friends, ya? But yes... The past month, I realized that I really needed a hug from one of you. Erm, hope this doesn't hurt anyone but I was rather disappointed, I didn't get it. Oh well, the few of you have always been good listeners and all but only 2, maybe 3 of you ever understood physical touch as a love language. Thanks to those who've hugged me before when I'm down. I think I'm dwelling in lower secondary memories again. Still remember that time after the abortion video? I broke down and you came over and hugged me. Thanks. =) You know who you are. In fact, thanks for everything you've done in the past and recently. =) Ok. That was side-tracking a bit. But yes, physical touch means more to me than I let on, I think. I didn't even realize it myself til recently. Oh well.
I think I've blogged enough about what I expect from people. Time to analyze myself and see how well I know myself. I know what I want, but do I know what I give in return? Actually, it's pretty obvious too, yes? I give what I want. Quality time, words of affirmation. Physical touch, not so much. As I said, only 2-3 of you ever fell under that catergory of people who I hug. But yes, quality time. I try my best to give whatever time I can to my friends. Guess that's why all the 3 hour conversations over the phone and all comes in? And trying to meet up with you all as much as possible. Words of affirmation... Think I've cut down a bit on that. After a few incidents, I think actions really speak louder than words so I prefer to spend quality time instead of just promising that I'll be there. So yeps...
Hmm... There's this book by Gary Chapman titled "The five love languages". Still haven't finished reading through it but think it's a book worth reading. Often, relationships fall apart because we aren't meeting the other person's needs, we're not speaking the same love language... Mhmm. And with this, I'll end off. Don't just think about what you want from the person, think about what the person wants from you. =)
Hmm. 5 love languages. For those who don't know, it's words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of services and physical touch. Basically, these 5 kind of sum up the ways of showing love to a person. Yeps. Everyone's different so it's a given that people have different love languages. What is your primary love language? Or to be put it most simply, which love language out of the 5 is the most important to you in a relationship?
Love languages in a relationship consist of how you show your love to the other person and also how you want them to show their love to you. No prizes for guessing my love languages. But actually, it's changed a bit over the years.
In my childhood days, I know gifts from my mum certainly made my day. But apart from gifts, words of affirmation and quality time were especially important to me. In fact, quality time was probably the most important thing for me in primary school. That would explain why I dislike him so much even though he pampered me with everything I wanted. Sighs.
But anyway, it's changed slightly in secondary school. Yes, I still like gifts and you should see my reaction whenever I receive something I like but they're no longer as important. I did a test recently.. My primary love language is quality time, which had 10 points. And then, a bit of a surprise. Physical touch at 8 points followed by receiving gifts and words of affirmation which were tied at 5 points. Hmm... I'll start off with my preference in the 5 love languages. Quality time's always been very important to me, guess that's why my friends take priorities over a lot of things. It's true, I value quality time a lot so one of the things that always hurt is when I'm deprived of quality time with friends.
Physical touch. Before anyone starts thinking in a twisted way, let me clarify. Physical touch can also be hugs between friends, ya? But yes... The past month, I realized that I really needed a hug from one of you. Erm, hope this doesn't hurt anyone but I was rather disappointed, I didn't get it. Oh well, the few of you have always been good listeners and all but only 2, maybe 3 of you ever understood physical touch as a love language. Thanks to those who've hugged me before when I'm down. I think I'm dwelling in lower secondary memories again. Still remember that time after the abortion video? I broke down and you came over and hugged me. Thanks. =) You know who you are. In fact, thanks for everything you've done in the past and recently. =) Ok. That was side-tracking a bit. But yes, physical touch means more to me than I let on, I think. I didn't even realize it myself til recently. Oh well.
I think I've blogged enough about what I expect from people. Time to analyze myself and see how well I know myself. I know what I want, but do I know what I give in return? Actually, it's pretty obvious too, yes? I give what I want. Quality time, words of affirmation. Physical touch, not so much. As I said, only 2-3 of you ever fell under that catergory of people who I hug. But yes, quality time. I try my best to give whatever time I can to my friends. Guess that's why all the 3 hour conversations over the phone and all comes in? And trying to meet up with you all as much as possible. Words of affirmation... Think I've cut down a bit on that. After a few incidents, I think actions really speak louder than words so I prefer to spend quality time instead of just promising that I'll be there. So yeps...
Hmm... There's this book by Gary Chapman titled "The five love languages". Still haven't finished reading through it but think it's a book worth reading. Often, relationships fall apart because we aren't meeting the other person's needs, we're not speaking the same love language... Mhmm. And with this, I'll end off. Don't just think about what you want from the person, think about what the person wants from you. =)
Sunday, February 11, 2007
restless
Only after I typed the title, did I realize how there can be more than one meaning to the word. I'm restless. Originally, I meant it as "I can't sit sitll, can't settle down to sleep, etc". You get the idea. It's way past my normal bedtime. Oh wait, what is my normal bedtime again? Nowadays, sleeping before 11 is a treat. In fact, sleeping before 12 is surprising enough. Uhohh. Yes yes, I should go sleep but as I said, I'm restless. =p Besides, so many things to do, so little time.
But fine... I'll attempt to make this entry short. The other meaning of the word "restless" is just simply breaking the word up, rest less or in other words, not enough rest. How true, ya? For those who know my meaning and definitions of sleep and rest, you should understand. At times, sleeping is a form of resting. And ya, I'm definitely short of that. But apart from sleeping, I am really lacking rest. I can't rest anymore. I mean, I either rest with people or there's always that incident of going down to Sentosa to rest alone. But now, I'm reluctant to rest with people and as much as I have places in mind to go too, time doesn't permit. If it does, trust me, I will. But yes, I think I need to rest soon. As in, really rest. But for now, sleep shall be my rest. It helps a bit, I guess. As long as I fall into one of those dreamless sleeps and don't wake up til the next morning... At least, that's been the case so far. With a few exceptions. =p
But fine... I'll attempt to make this entry short. The other meaning of the word "restless" is just simply breaking the word up, rest less or in other words, not enough rest. How true, ya? For those who know my meaning and definitions of sleep and rest, you should understand. At times, sleeping is a form of resting. And ya, I'm definitely short of that. But apart from sleeping, I am really lacking rest. I can't rest anymore. I mean, I either rest with people or there's always that incident of going down to Sentosa to rest alone. But now, I'm reluctant to rest with people and as much as I have places in mind to go too, time doesn't permit. If it does, trust me, I will. But yes, I think I need to rest soon. As in, really rest. But for now, sleep shall be my rest. It helps a bit, I guess. As long as I fall into one of those dreamless sleeps and don't wake up til the next morning... At least, that's been the case so far. With a few exceptions. =p
'O' level results
Heehee. Was reminded that I've yet to blog about my 'O' level chinese results. Didn't want to have 5 entries in one day so didn't bother blogging it last night.
For those that know my results already, it's no surprise why I'm in no hurry to blog about it. I'm disappointed with them. Here goes... B4. When I got it, I just saw the 'B', not even the 4, ok? And that was bad enough. On the bright side, got distinction for oral. Redeeming factor. Mei was influencing me and we started laughing and going hysterical over our results instead of being all moody and all. Normally, this would hit me quite badly and I'm ashamed of it but I guess other things hurt so much more that this has become rather insignificant for now? But yes.. Already had this feeling I would be disappointed. So it was more bearable when getting the results. Guess it helps that me and mei got some reassurance about our standard of chinese. It really helped. But now, I'm worried abt the next round of 'O' levels. I wanted my A. But I no longer think I can make it...
Pft. I'm in the mood to blog but have no idea what to blog about. Corrections: I've many topics that I want to blog about but they'll just get me into this mood that I rather avoid. I'm already treading the line with this entry. But I guess me being able to blog about the results without breaking means it didn't hurt as much as I feared. Or have I just gotten better at pushing it to the back of my head? That's another fear of mine...
For those that know my results already, it's no surprise why I'm in no hurry to blog about it. I'm disappointed with them. Here goes... B4. When I got it, I just saw the 'B', not even the 4, ok? And that was bad enough. On the bright side, got distinction for oral. Redeeming factor. Mei was influencing me and we started laughing and going hysterical over our results instead of being all moody and all. Normally, this would hit me quite badly and I'm ashamed of it but I guess other things hurt so much more that this has become rather insignificant for now? But yes.. Already had this feeling I would be disappointed. So it was more bearable when getting the results. Guess it helps that me and mei got some reassurance about our standard of chinese. It really helped. But now, I'm worried abt the next round of 'O' levels. I wanted my A. But I no longer think I can make it...
Pft. I'm in the mood to blog but have no idea what to blog about. Corrections: I've many topics that I want to blog about but they'll just get me into this mood that I rather avoid. I'm already treading the line with this entry. But I guess me being able to blog about the results without breaking means it didn't hurt as much as I feared. Or have I just gotten better at pushing it to the back of my head? That's another fear of mine...
Saturday, February 10, 2007
poems from the past
Uhohh. I know there's this renewed urge in me to start writing again, which isn't good.
Anyway just now, felt like looking this notebook which I almost never use. I wrote about 3-4 poems in there. And after that, I remembered that my diary had a few more poems so just read through them. Hmm. Poems from the past. In another entry from today, I blogged about how I uploaded one of the poem up to my Eportfolio. Really, poems seem to be coming back into my life. What with the english assignment and finding poems from the past...
It freaked me out when I realized how those poems I wrote a few years back are just so fitting for this whole situation now. Hmm... Should I place them on my blog? I'll consider. It's not because of how well or how badly the poems are written which is making me hesitate. Rather, it's the content of the poems and how they're really a reflection of how I feel. Considering that a line from one of the poems was going through my head even before I re-read it for the first time in a long while. Some things never change, do they? When I read the poems, I was surprised at how I have certain beliefs that never change. And yet, there was one poem that stood out from the rest. Hmm... I'll blog it but let me state that I don't really agree with what I wrote at that time. Background history, it was written at the start of last year. Didn't even remember I wrote anything like that...
Relationships
Walking in pairs
Hands intertwined
The look in their eyes
speaks louder than words
But how long before
love turns to hurt?
Feeting happiness
Temporary bliss
The unspoken reality
that everyone knows.
Are we so easily contented
with this passing dream?
Hmm... I edited the last line. Because the original version just seemed weird so yeps. But seriously, the poem's so unlike something written by me since that's one kind of attitude I rarely ever have about love. Which was why I got a bit disturbed that I could write something like that once. At that time, I wrote a short reflection after writing the poem and really, the most important question I asked myself at that time, "Was I that cynical of relationships?"...
Anyway just now, felt like looking this notebook which I almost never use. I wrote about 3-4 poems in there. And after that, I remembered that my diary had a few more poems so just read through them. Hmm. Poems from the past. In another entry from today, I blogged about how I uploaded one of the poem up to my Eportfolio. Really, poems seem to be coming back into my life. What with the english assignment and finding poems from the past...
It freaked me out when I realized how those poems I wrote a few years back are just so fitting for this whole situation now. Hmm... Should I place them on my blog? I'll consider. It's not because of how well or how badly the poems are written which is making me hesitate. Rather, it's the content of the poems and how they're really a reflection of how I feel. Considering that a line from one of the poems was going through my head even before I re-read it for the first time in a long while. Some things never change, do they? When I read the poems, I was surprised at how I have certain beliefs that never change. And yet, there was one poem that stood out from the rest. Hmm... I'll blog it but let me state that I don't really agree with what I wrote at that time. Background history, it was written at the start of last year. Didn't even remember I wrote anything like that...
Relationships
Walking in pairs
Hands intertwined
The look in their eyes
speaks louder than words
But how long before
love turns to hurt?
Feeting happiness
Temporary bliss
The unspoken reality
that everyone knows.
Are we so easily contented
with this passing dream?
Hmm... I edited the last line. Because the original version just seemed weird so yeps. But seriously, the poem's so unlike something written by me since that's one kind of attitude I rarely ever have about love. Which was why I got a bit disturbed that I could write something like that once. At that time, I wrote a short reflection after writing the poem and really, the most important question I asked myself at that time, "Was I that cynical of relationships?"...
mei's craziness
Heehee! I wrote about this in my notebook before so won't be blogging that in-depth on it. Whee!
Mei was being ego... by claiming that I'm pregnant with her child! Haha. Yes, the conversation went like this. I was telling her about my craving for chicken chop rice for dinner. Then mei was like saying how cravings mean something.
Me: Uhhuh. Having cravings means that I'm pregnant? Uhhuh. But then, there'll be the problem of whose child it is.
Mei: Mine lah!
And we both started laughing non-stop. =p
Heehee. And one example of how we know each other too well. We were talking about hostel stay and the teacher in charge of each floor. Then suddenly, she went "Oh no." and I just started saying "No, no way" non-stop. Basically, she had the idea that a certain teacher might end up being the teacher in charge of our floor and that's why she went "Oh no" and I just knew what she was thinking and so had a very violent response. =p Heehee. So cool! -amused- -bounces-
Mei was being ego... by claiming that I'm pregnant with her child! Haha. Yes, the conversation went like this. I was telling her about my craving for chicken chop rice for dinner. Then mei was like saying how cravings mean something.
Me: Uhhuh. Having cravings means that I'm pregnant? Uhhuh. But then, there'll be the problem of whose child it is.
Mei: Mine lah!
And we both started laughing non-stop. =p
Heehee. And one example of how we know each other too well. We were talking about hostel stay and the teacher in charge of each floor. Then suddenly, she went "Oh no." and I just started saying "No, no way" non-stop. Basically, she had the idea that a certain teacher might end up being the teacher in charge of our floor and that's why she went "Oh no" and I just knew what she was thinking and so had a very violent response. =p Heehee. So cool! -amused- -bounces-
spring cleaning
Yes yes, I should be doing my homework and all but after one whole day of packing and cleaning my room, I'm really exhausted and just want to rest and relax. =p
Woke up at 10 and started packing my room right after breakfast. Basically, everyone was packing various parts of the house so naturally, I am in charge of packing my room. Finally got around to looking through work from Secondary 2. It's really alarming when I don't recall studying various topics in Secondary 2. Does that tell you how much I tune out during lessons? Does that tell you how low studies were on my priority list? =p But anyway, saw some pieces of work worth keeping so I've a very thin folder of stuff from Secondary 2. Mostly, they were essays or some kind of creative writing. Uploaded one of the poems onto my Eportfolio. Intending to type out one of my Sec 2 zuowens and save it in the computer and maybe upload it onto my Eportfolio too. For me to want to do that, those works are something I'm rather proud of, I guess...
Now, that was just packing of school stuff from Secondary 2. What happens when I pack other cupboards and just start looking through photos? =p Pictures of me since I was around 2 or so... There's this set of photos that I really like. Me, as a child in Tioman and really so innocent and just not caring what others think. I mean, I was even using this large leaf as an umbrella and having flowers in my hair. And of course, I came across a few cards and postcards. Especially one from Secondary 2. Another set of memories. >.<
Whee! I feel accomplished! Went through 4 cupboards and 1 box of stuff and threw away 2 garbage bag of stuff... Oops? And since I was packing my room, I decided to organize my worksheets from Secondary 3 so every module is filed properly. -gasps- Realized how much worksheets and all we got last year. But yes, I'm happy and feel really accomplished! =) Hmm. Really, really exhausted from the packing since I started at 10 plus and only ended at around 5... On the bright side, guess it makes it a bit easier when I have to move into the hostel at the end of the year since a larger portion of my room is packed. =p
That's enough on spring cleaning... A bit distracted since I'm on the phone with mei and so... the next entry of today will be on her! Haha. Whee!
Woke up at 10 and started packing my room right after breakfast. Basically, everyone was packing various parts of the house so naturally, I am in charge of packing my room. Finally got around to looking through work from Secondary 2. It's really alarming when I don't recall studying various topics in Secondary 2. Does that tell you how much I tune out during lessons? Does that tell you how low studies were on my priority list? =p But anyway, saw some pieces of work worth keeping so I've a very thin folder of stuff from Secondary 2. Mostly, they were essays or some kind of creative writing. Uploaded one of the poems onto my Eportfolio. Intending to type out one of my Sec 2 zuowens and save it in the computer and maybe upload it onto my Eportfolio too. For me to want to do that, those works are something I'm rather proud of, I guess...
Now, that was just packing of school stuff from Secondary 2. What happens when I pack other cupboards and just start looking through photos? =p Pictures of me since I was around 2 or so... There's this set of photos that I really like. Me, as a child in Tioman and really so innocent and just not caring what others think. I mean, I was even using this large leaf as an umbrella and having flowers in my hair. And of course, I came across a few cards and postcards. Especially one from Secondary 2. Another set of memories. >.<
Whee! I feel accomplished! Went through 4 cupboards and 1 box of stuff and threw away 2 garbage bag of stuff... Oops? And since I was packing my room, I decided to organize my worksheets from Secondary 3 so every module is filed properly. -gasps- Realized how much worksheets and all we got last year. But yes, I'm happy and feel really accomplished! =) Hmm. Really, really exhausted from the packing since I started at 10 plus and only ended at around 5... On the bright side, guess it makes it a bit easier when I have to move into the hostel at the end of the year since a larger portion of my room is packed. =p
That's enough on spring cleaning... A bit distracted since I'm on the phone with mei and so... the next entry of today will be on her! Haha. Whee!
equilibrium
Was supposed to blog this entry last night but got too caught up in doing quizzes. =p Anyway, "Equilibrium" is the title of yesterday's Friday Night Movie on Channel 5. Hmm... Was reading the "Life" section of Straits Times and read the synopsis of this movie. Found it interesting so hogged the television from 7:30pm - 9:30pm. Realized that I don't watch much programmes nowadays. I don't even catch "The Arena" every weekk.. Oh wait, I'm digressing.
A short summary of what the show's about and then you'll understand why I wanted to watch it. In this futuristic society, art, books, music, etc are banned. Why? Because they cause people to have emotions. Basically, everyone's emotions are suppressed as this person known as "Father" have told them that emotions is the real source of problems. Emotions lead to war, chaos, destruction, etc... So everyone takes this drug regularly which causes them to not feel. The protagonist is this guy who goes around killing all those who don't follow the laws which means if you have a piece of artwork hidden somewhere and it is found, you're dead. Then one day, he misses a dose of the drug and starts feeling...
Hmm. A lot of interesting ideas and concepts were brought up in the show. Throughout the show, it just reaffirmed the reason why I never wanted to stop feeling. Yes, I'm emotional and that sure has its disadvantages. I mean, being able to not ever feel moody or depressed, that sounds great, ya? But on the other hand, not able to love others, to feel joy and happiness. Unable to appreciate art and music. Everyone is identical to you. What's the point in living? I like this quote, "...without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock ticking." Even with all that negative emotions bring, I find life still worth living for as long as there are a few moments of joy... =)
A short summary of what the show's about and then you'll understand why I wanted to watch it. In this futuristic society, art, books, music, etc are banned. Why? Because they cause people to have emotions. Basically, everyone's emotions are suppressed as this person known as "Father" have told them that emotions is the real source of problems. Emotions lead to war, chaos, destruction, etc... So everyone takes this drug regularly which causes them to not feel. The protagonist is this guy who goes around killing all those who don't follow the laws which means if you have a piece of artwork hidden somewhere and it is found, you're dead. Then one day, he misses a dose of the drug and starts feeling...
Hmm. A lot of interesting ideas and concepts were brought up in the show. Throughout the show, it just reaffirmed the reason why I never wanted to stop feeling. Yes, I'm emotional and that sure has its disadvantages. I mean, being able to not ever feel moody or depressed, that sounds great, ya? But on the other hand, not able to love others, to feel joy and happiness. Unable to appreciate art and music. Everyone is identical to you. What's the point in living? I like this quote, "...without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock ticking." Even with all that negative emotions bring, I find life still worth living for as long as there are a few moments of joy... =)
Friday, February 09, 2007
passing time
| You Have A Type B Personality |
You're as laid back as they come... Your baseline mood is calm and level headed Creativity and philosophy tend to be your forte Like a natural sedative, you have a soothing effect on people Friends and family often turn to you first with their problems You have the personality to be a spiritual or psychological guru |
Hmm. I don't really agree? Laid back. Uhhuh. Baseline mood, calm and level headed? Please don't start coughing and choking, ya? =p Soothing effect on people? I wouldn't know. Friends and family part is probably the only one that has a bit of truth to it. That's all, I guess.
| You Are a Newborn Soul |
 You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance. On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
Whee! I love it when I have this kind of results. It's quite accurate and fun to comment on. =) I'm sure some people would be nodding their heads at the last line. "Implusive and trusting"... And also the first two lines. They really sum up how I'm like, ya? A newborn soul... The first thing that came to mind when I saw those words was a baby. =p Heehee. But I don't think I've the innocence and trusting nature of a baby. Of a child, maybe.
| You Are 60% Peaceful |
 In general, you think the world's a pretty great place - and you're happy to be a part of it. Sometimes you struggle with life, but who doesn't? You are quite level headed, though you have more inner angst than you'd like. |
Why do the results always say I'm level-headed? Since when?! Heehee. Yes, I have more inner angst than I'll like.
| You Don't Hold a Grudge |
 You're willing to give almost anyone a second chance, even if they've really wronged you. Incredibly forgiving and compassionate, you understand that people sometimes change for the better. |
Hmm. Rather true except for one exception. =p Oh well. Heehee
| People Envy Your Compassion |
 You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them. |
Whee! The second line is irritatingly true. I don't think people envy my compassion though... They most likely think that I'm too compassionate. =p
| You Are 82% Thankful |
 You're an incredibly thankful person, and everyone around you feels very appreciated. You inspire people to be more optimistic, forgiving, and grateful. |
Hope you all really feel appreciated by me! =p Anyway, that's the last quiz for today. Wanted to blog but then saw a few interesting quizzes and just continued doing them. =p Just as well I'm not blogging much now. Shall go be a couch potato. Time for some real R&R. Hmm.
On a side note, I've lasted for 6 days. That's a record in a way. =p
Thursday, February 08, 2007
today
I'm in the mood to blog but didn't really know what to blog about. Was just replaying today in my head and just reflecting on how it's been and I've decided today's blog-worthy. =) As usual, can't think of a decent blog title. =p
Heehee. This entry's going to be a recount of today so yeps. Read only if you're interested? Nothing that's going to be very reflective. Oh wait. Did you believe me when I said I'm not going to be reflective? When am I not reflective? Haha. Oops? =p Ok. Attempted to woke up early this morning but it didn't really work out that well? Only got out of bed 10 minutes earlier. Finished up adding colour to those notes. Went to school and became anti-social in an attempt to finish the notes... Sighs. Sorry. Wanted to finish them before flag-rising so didn't talk much. Let's see. Lessons today... Maths, nothing much to blog about. Recess. Normal? English. Whee! Blog-worthy.
Haha. It's times like this I wonder why I ever came to this school. Considering that I have higher expectations for my languages and art compared to maths and the three sciences. Got back our "quiz" or is it a test? Doesn't matter. Rather pleased with the marks. Sorry mei if it became unbearable. =( But yes, my expectations for english are probably due to last year. I guess it's the need to know that I can do well regardless of who the teacher is. Discussed this poem entitled "Oh, When I love you" in class. Rather interesting. Too bad there wasn't much time to discuss about whether love changes a person. That would be interesting. Ack. I want to blog about love! -controls- Shall do a series of entries on love and things related to love this coming week, since it's V-day and all on Wed. Ms Tan asked everyone to write a poem as a reply to "Oh, When I love you". Heehee. I'm probably going to put it up on my EPortfolio once of these days. It's not as good as compared to some of those she read out in class but I guess it was a decent piece considering how I stopped writing poems in Sec 1. The few attempts were rather bad. =p By my standards. No, no one's going to ever read them. =p Ohh! This crazy idea came to me while I was stoning and waiting for Jon's school bus. Tempted to expand on the poem and make it into a song. =p Just for fun. The poem can be the chorus. =p Heehee. Going a bit crazy today.
After English, went to MINT, this toy musuem opposite Raffles Hotel. Had 30 minute for lunch so this group of us walked around and decided to go Pop@Central. Ate a bit at the cafe there. I'm already trying to find time to go down to that area by myself or something one day. Was gushing about how the National Library, Pop@Central and Art Friend is all there. And Sasha Bears! =p But yes, I want to find time to go walk around there. Preferably with cash in my wallet. =p Went to the toy musuem and was rather fascinated by the collection. Took a few photos. My photography skills need to be improved. When was the last time I touched the camera? Whee! I like the 3rd floor because they have this glass floor which enables you to look down to the 1st level. People were getting scared and ran away from that area of the floor once they realized there was only glass between them and 2 levels down. Me? I was just fascinated. =) After the tour, there was another 15 minutes so decided to go Sasha Bears. Pft! They were closed. And to rub salt into the wound, they're resuming business tomorrow. Wahhh. But anyway, one thing I realized during this excursion is that I'm starting to be a lot more obvious in my gushing and highness level even if I'm not with the few of you. What does that mean? Sure, it's good that I'm going high and all but I'm worried that I'm going high deliberately. Unfounded fear but yes, that thought came to my mind. And one more thing I realized is how I miss having you all around when I go high. It's just different when I go high with you 3. Oh well.
Chinese class. I'm paying attention nowadays! -gasps- More attention anyway. Nothing much I want to blog about, I guess. Except that the sleepiness started hitting me really badly during class. Wasn't that bad on the bus back from MINT. Physics, skip. Nothing much to blog about too... Vectors test. Urk. I know I can do better. Oh well. It's over. Dental appointment. Heehee. Finally got around to seeing the dentist. A few more visits before I can have my braces removed.
Ok. Here comes the reflection-intensive part of today. On the bus, I was just realizing how I've changed and how I've stayed the same. Previously, in a similar situation, being all alone while listening to my player would make me think of stuff and I'll be on the verge of tears. But now, the tears have stopped trying to come. The memories still play through in my mind but I guess I'm learning how to move on? In a way, I've gotten stronger. I make the deliberate effort to control my emotions before they go downhill. I mean, if I wanted, the tears can still come. I know. It's a fact. I was treading the line between reflection and emo-ness on the bus. But now, I deliberately make sure my mood doesn't drop. Yeps.
Another incident today which was a potential time for me to get emo was when I just sat at the void deck and listened to my player while waiting for Jon's school bus. Things and memories went through my mind. Even the idea to make the english poem into a song triggered off a set of memories. But I guess I'm now looking back on them and learn to just appreciate them. Every single memory. I want to blog an entry dedicated to a person but I've already thought of a more suitable time for that entry. So it's time to learn the art of waiting. I'm counting down to the time when I can blog everything I want to. Pft me with my wanting to wait for the right time before I blog certain topics. Oh well. Are my entries getting longer? Oops? Hmm. One more goal for this year: Start a story on fictionpress. =p The writing bug's gotten into me. With the amount of blogging and all, I think it might last. It's a good way to let things out. =)
Heehee. This entry's going to be a recount of today so yeps. Read only if you're interested? Nothing that's going to be very reflective. Oh wait. Did you believe me when I said I'm not going to be reflective? When am I not reflective? Haha. Oops? =p Ok. Attempted to woke up early this morning but it didn't really work out that well? Only got out of bed 10 minutes earlier. Finished up adding colour to those notes. Went to school and became anti-social in an attempt to finish the notes... Sighs. Sorry. Wanted to finish them before flag-rising so didn't talk much. Let's see. Lessons today... Maths, nothing much to blog about. Recess. Normal? English. Whee! Blog-worthy.
Haha. It's times like this I wonder why I ever came to this school. Considering that I have higher expectations for my languages and art compared to maths and the three sciences. Got back our "quiz" or is it a test? Doesn't matter. Rather pleased with the marks. Sorry mei if it became unbearable. =( But yes, my expectations for english are probably due to last year. I guess it's the need to know that I can do well regardless of who the teacher is. Discussed this poem entitled "Oh, When I love you" in class. Rather interesting. Too bad there wasn't much time to discuss about whether love changes a person. That would be interesting. Ack. I want to blog about love! -controls- Shall do a series of entries on love and things related to love this coming week, since it's V-day and all on Wed. Ms Tan asked everyone to write a poem as a reply to "Oh, When I love you". Heehee. I'm probably going to put it up on my EPortfolio once of these days. It's not as good as compared to some of those she read out in class but I guess it was a decent piece considering how I stopped writing poems in Sec 1. The few attempts were rather bad. =p By my standards. No, no one's going to ever read them. =p Ohh! This crazy idea came to me while I was stoning and waiting for Jon's school bus. Tempted to expand on the poem and make it into a song. =p Just for fun. The poem can be the chorus. =p Heehee. Going a bit crazy today.
After English, went to MINT, this toy musuem opposite Raffles Hotel. Had 30 minute for lunch so this group of us walked around and decided to go Pop@Central. Ate a bit at the cafe there. I'm already trying to find time to go down to that area by myself or something one day. Was gushing about how the National Library, Pop@Central and Art Friend is all there. And Sasha Bears! =p But yes, I want to find time to go walk around there. Preferably with cash in my wallet. =p Went to the toy musuem and was rather fascinated by the collection. Took a few photos. My photography skills need to be improved. When was the last time I touched the camera? Whee! I like the 3rd floor because they have this glass floor which enables you to look down to the 1st level. People were getting scared and ran away from that area of the floor once they realized there was only glass between them and 2 levels down. Me? I was just fascinated. =) After the tour, there was another 15 minutes so decided to go Sasha Bears. Pft! They were closed. And to rub salt into the wound, they're resuming business tomorrow. Wahhh. But anyway, one thing I realized during this excursion is that I'm starting to be a lot more obvious in my gushing and highness level even if I'm not with the few of you. What does that mean? Sure, it's good that I'm going high and all but I'm worried that I'm going high deliberately. Unfounded fear but yes, that thought came to my mind. And one more thing I realized is how I miss having you all around when I go high. It's just different when I go high with you 3. Oh well.
Chinese class. I'm paying attention nowadays! -gasps- More attention anyway. Nothing much I want to blog about, I guess. Except that the sleepiness started hitting me really badly during class. Wasn't that bad on the bus back from MINT. Physics, skip. Nothing much to blog about too... Vectors test. Urk. I know I can do better. Oh well. It's over. Dental appointment. Heehee. Finally got around to seeing the dentist. A few more visits before I can have my braces removed.
Ok. Here comes the reflection-intensive part of today. On the bus, I was just realizing how I've changed and how I've stayed the same. Previously, in a similar situation, being all alone while listening to my player would make me think of stuff and I'll be on the verge of tears. But now, the tears have stopped trying to come. The memories still play through in my mind but I guess I'm learning how to move on? In a way, I've gotten stronger. I make the deliberate effort to control my emotions before they go downhill. I mean, if I wanted, the tears can still come. I know. It's a fact. I was treading the line between reflection and emo-ness on the bus. But now, I deliberately make sure my mood doesn't drop. Yeps.
Another incident today which was a potential time for me to get emo was when I just sat at the void deck and listened to my player while waiting for Jon's school bus. Things and memories went through my mind. Even the idea to make the english poem into a song triggered off a set of memories. But I guess I'm now looking back on them and learn to just appreciate them. Every single memory. I want to blog an entry dedicated to a person but I've already thought of a more suitable time for that entry. So it's time to learn the art of waiting. I'm counting down to the time when I can blog everything I want to. Pft me with my wanting to wait for the right time before I blog certain topics. Oh well. Are my entries getting longer? Oops? Hmm. One more goal for this year: Start a story on fictionpress. =p The writing bug's gotten into me. With the amount of blogging and all, I think it might last. It's a good way to let things out. =)
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
taking a break
Ack. I think I'm deprived of my beauty sleep. I'm really sleepy and want to sleep now but I have to finish up the movie review for design first. And after that, there are still some more things that I want to do by tonight. I rather stay up than wake up early so ya. Heehee. I need a break from trying to type out the review so here goes...
I thought I would be a realistic romantic. Oh well. But anyway, is this result true? Grounded when it comes to romance? -coughs- Fall hard... Hmm. No comments. The last line is the most debatable. I would disagree but my friends would agree, ya? Don't I just know what you all think? =p
Find this one rather true... I do have the skills to control my emotions but I just don't use them much. Oh well... But 53% is really low. =(
Uhhuh. As if. Fool for love many times? Maximum, just once so far. I don't think my needs should come first. Even after all I've blogged about taking more care about myself, it's still natural to consider others first. Am I the only one who can look out for myself? I don't think so. Mhmm.
Whee! Sunrise are nice but I rarely watch them. Watch sunsets more often. I think the lines about reflection are too true? And yes, I do enjoy placing a smile on the faces of people, especially those close to me. But no, I don't cook or buy gifts often, ya? What I do give are my words and time.. Heehee. Inspiration for next blog entry. The 5 love languages. =) Do I love life for what it is? Why don't you answer that for me? =p I know what I think the answer is...
It is no surprise that I follow my heart. It's a duh. Romantic, yes. Sentimental, Yes. Emotional, YES. -coughs- I don't think I fall in/out of love very quickly. In, maybe. Out, not so... Broken a few hearts?! -.- Oh wait. Laadeedaa. Weird statements.
Ok. I've slacked long enough. Time to get back to doing proper work. Maybe if there's still time later, I'll blog again. Doubt it though. Heeehee. Think I'm blogging too much nowadays.
| You Are A Romantic Realist |
 You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance. Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know. And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball... But you'd never admit it to your friends! |
I thought I would be a realistic romantic. Oh well. But anyway, is this result true? Grounded when it comes to romance? -coughs- Fall hard... Hmm. No comments. The last line is the most debatable. I would disagree but my friends would agree, ya? Don't I just know what you all think? =p
| You Are 53% Grown Up, 47% Kid |
 You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature. You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them. |
Find this one rather true... I do have the skills to control my emotions but I just don't use them much. Oh well... But 53% is really low. =(
| You Are 42% Addicted to Love |
 Might as well face it, you're addicted to love. You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it? Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships. Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself! |
Uhhuh. As if. Fool for love many times? Maximum, just once so far. I don't think my needs should come first. Even after all I've blogged about taking more care about myself, it's still natural to consider others first. Am I the only one who can look out for myself? I don't think so. Mhmm.
| You Are Sunrise |
 You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be. |
Whee! Sunrise are nice but I rarely watch them. Watch sunsets more often. I think the lines about reflection are too true? And yes, I do enjoy placing a smile on the faces of people, especially those close to me. But no, I don't cook or buy gifts often, ya? What I do give are my words and time.. Heehee. Inspiration for next blog entry. The 5 love languages. =) Do I love life for what it is? Why don't you answer that for me? =p I know what I think the answer is...
| You Follow Your Heart |
 You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional. You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly. Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you. You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature. Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind |
It is no surprise that I follow my heart. It's a duh. Romantic, yes. Sentimental, Yes. Emotional, YES. -coughs- I don't think I fall in/out of love very quickly. In, maybe. Out, not so... Broken a few hearts?! -.- Oh wait. Laadeedaa. Weird statements.
Ok. I've slacked long enough. Time to get back to doing proper work. Maybe if there's still time later, I'll blog again. Doubt it though. Heeehee. Think I'm blogging too much nowadays.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
sea glass
I've been struggling through this book titled "Sea glass" but for once, I'm not going to quote anything or even blog about the plot of the book. Rather, I want to blog about sea glass and how I find it rather similar to certain things.
In the book, sea glass is basically pieces of glass picked up on the beach that are no longer sharp. Instead, they have a smooth edge. Broken pieces of glass were initially sharp and would cut people upon contact but after enduring the weather and the waves of the sea, it eventually becomes smooth.
Why am I blogging about sea glass? It's because I find parallels between sea glass and my experience lately. At first, when I was hurt, the pain was so great. But gradually, as time passed, the pain decreased. Analogy time. I guess it's as if I was stabbed by a knife each time but as the knife went through wear and tear, it was no longer so sharp and I didn't hurt so much. Not exactly what happened but really, I'm just really amazed at how I can just admire the piece of sea glass that's so beautiful when seen in the light. It used to hurt me. Maybe it still can hurt me but right now, I'm just learning to see it in a new light, to appreciate it for what it is.
Side note. =p I think I have 2 pieces of sea glass lying around in my room. Whee! The colours are really nice. Maybe I shall put it in a more prominent place to remind myself of certain things...
In the book, sea glass is basically pieces of glass picked up on the beach that are no longer sharp. Instead, they have a smooth edge. Broken pieces of glass were initially sharp and would cut people upon contact but after enduring the weather and the waves of the sea, it eventually becomes smooth.
Why am I blogging about sea glass? It's because I find parallels between sea glass and my experience lately. At first, when I was hurt, the pain was so great. But gradually, as time passed, the pain decreased. Analogy time. I guess it's as if I was stabbed by a knife each time but as the knife went through wear and tear, it was no longer so sharp and I didn't hurt so much. Not exactly what happened but really, I'm just really amazed at how I can just admire the piece of sea glass that's so beautiful when seen in the light. It used to hurt me. Maybe it still can hurt me but right now, I'm just learning to see it in a new light, to appreciate it for what it is.
Side note. =p I think I have 2 pieces of sea glass lying around in my room. Whee! The colours are really nice. Maybe I shall put it in a more prominent place to remind myself of certain things...
Monday, February 05, 2007
gushing!
Heehee. It's been awhile since I had a light-hearted entry, ya? I'm in a relatively good mood today so this entry will probably sound a lot happier. =p
Let's start off with my title. -gushes over oversized t-shirts- Ok, to be specific, I like the shirt I'm wearing now. Before anyone gets the wrong idea that I like this shirt because it was given to me by someone, has sentimental value, etc.. I'll like to mention that I bought this shirt by myself in Bangkok. Oh fine. My mum paid for the shirt but I choose it so ya... No scandalous reason behind it, ok? =p
The shirt's like way too big for me because the cutting is meant for guys. Basically, I bought 5 tops from the teen outlet of this brand then when my dad entered another outlet of this brand, which was meant for guys, I saw this shirt and was whining over how the shirt was too big. Ok. Basically, the shirt's black with white and blue dots splattered all over it. And the centre's like this paint splatter made out of shades of blue with the word "STAIN" in black. Nice colour scheme! And ya, I liked the design so much that I just bought the smallest size they had. But yes, it's still very big and very baggy. The sleeves are almost up to my elbow. Heehee... But it's so comfy and nice! Tempted to start buying baggy t-shirts.
Ok. Enough gushing about a t-shirt. =p What else is there to blog about? Hmm... Ohh. I've been gushing quite a bit over that blue folder of guitar chords. =) Basically, started playing the guitar 2 weeks ago and managed to borrow this whole mini ring-file of chords for Christian songs. It's really fun to look through it each time and just remember the songs that I haven't sang for such a long time. Too bad 3 of us don't always know the same songs. Then can go high together! =p
Ok. I think I better go finish up my homework so I'll end off this blog entry. Sighs. Don't want to continue doing work.
Let's start off with my title. -gushes over oversized t-shirts- Ok, to be specific, I like the shirt I'm wearing now. Before anyone gets the wrong idea that I like this shirt because it was given to me by someone, has sentimental value, etc.. I'll like to mention that I bought this shirt by myself in Bangkok. Oh fine. My mum paid for the shirt but I choose it so ya... No scandalous reason behind it, ok? =p
The shirt's like way too big for me because the cutting is meant for guys. Basically, I bought 5 tops from the teen outlet of this brand then when my dad entered another outlet of this brand, which was meant for guys, I saw this shirt and was whining over how the shirt was too big. Ok. Basically, the shirt's black with white and blue dots splattered all over it. And the centre's like this paint splatter made out of shades of blue with the word "STAIN" in black. Nice colour scheme! And ya, I liked the design so much that I just bought the smallest size they had. But yes, it's still very big and very baggy. The sleeves are almost up to my elbow. Heehee... But it's so comfy and nice! Tempted to start buying baggy t-shirts.
Ok. Enough gushing about a t-shirt. =p What else is there to blog about? Hmm... Ohh. I've been gushing quite a bit over that blue folder of guitar chords. =) Basically, started playing the guitar 2 weeks ago and managed to borrow this whole mini ring-file of chords for Christian songs. It's really fun to look through it each time and just remember the songs that I haven't sang for such a long time. Too bad 3 of us don't always know the same songs. Then can go high together! =p
Ok. I think I better go finish up my homework so I'll end off this blog entry. Sighs. Don't want to continue doing work.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
reassurance
Heehee. Erm. I can't guarantee that this entry won't be depressing, ah? =p I'll just blog whatever comes to mind and with that, we'll see what the mood of this entry is. It might be a bit low initially but read on. It will get better. Things always get better after awhile. =)
Yay! Mel came for service yesterday. She waited for me at the busstop and we ran to church cos we were running abit late. =p Went up to jump during worship. The thing that shocked me was how tears came to my eyes when I heard the first few lines of the first song. The worship team started off with the song "What the world will never take". Just the first few lines alone touched me as I found it so relevant and appropriate. I'll include the lyrics in this entry. =) (Why do I sense that this entry is going to be long?) =p
What the world will never take
With all I'm holding inside
With all hopes and desires
And all the dreams that I've dreamt
With all I'm hoping to be
And all that the world will bring
And all that fails to compare
You say You want all of me
I wouldnt have it any other way
I've got a Saviour and He's living in me
WHOA I wanna know
I wanna know You today
And You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take
The world will never take You away
No one could ever take You away
No one could ever take You away
Hmm... But anyway, this song was followed by "One Way". It's just very shocking when tears just continued to flow throughout worship. Normally for this kind of fast songs, nothing like this ever happens. But ya, was reminded by God about a lot of things. To start off, this whole healing process is going to take time. (considering that I'm still crying so badly during worship...) It would be nice if I just snapped my finger and then I'll be alright but that's not the case. Just like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. It'll take time.
Bro Andy was the one preaching today. Talk about coincidence. Guess what he was preaching about? Contagious faith. I said "You're kidding..." out loud and had to explain to mel why I had such a reaction. Anyone remembers a few entries back on how my TAWG seems to revolve around the whole issue of faith? Yeps. I'll fast-foward to altar call. Yes, I know I seem to be going up for each altar call. But anyway, he was calling for those who had needs for God to meet to go up. Also, he mentioned about intervening for our friends but honestly, I was in no state yesterday during altar call to pray about that. Read on...
Went up to the altar and the tears just came. I guess that church is one place where I don't bother or can't control my tears. Bro Andy prayed for me and he said that God had these three words for me, "I love you." I know. One more thing that I haven't really blog about is the whole idea of love. Been thinking about that quite a bit over the past few days. Especially about God's love for people and how love is supposed to be unconditional. I think I'll wait til V-day before I blog on love, ya? =p But yes, I was just letting out whatever I've kept inside. Didn't realize that there was so much inside me that I didn't let go off yet.
For the 2nd time in a long while, I felt the urge to kneel down at the altars. To me, that's my way of saying that I just want to surrender myself totally to God and also how I want to humble myself. Sister Joanne prayed for me as well. Really, all the adult leaders' prayer have been giving me the reassurance that I kow I need. After altar call ended, hugged mel and there's this kind of mutual understanding between us? Yayness! Could go for dinner/supper with mel after FUEL. Took the chance to catch up on each other's lives. Mhmm. =)
Back to my title. Reassurance. Finally got the answer to one of my questions that I asked God a few months ago. But the answer wasn't important anymore. Rather, yesterday was really about being reassured of God's love and forgiveness. Not only that, also a reminder how this healing process won't be easy and it'll take time but things will turn out alright in the end. And yes, I've been convinced. Rather than trying so hard to resist changing, it's pointless. I will change. I know that for a fact. I can sense it already. But I know it's for the better. Mhmm! =)
To all my friends, I'll say this once more. Don't worry so much about me, ok? I'll take care. I won't be back to normal overnight but give me time. The healing's began. Soon, I'll be whole again. Whole.
Yay! Mel came for service yesterday. She waited for me at the busstop and we ran to church cos we were running abit late. =p Went up to jump during worship. The thing that shocked me was how tears came to my eyes when I heard the first few lines of the first song. The worship team started off with the song "What the world will never take". Just the first few lines alone touched me as I found it so relevant and appropriate. I'll include the lyrics in this entry. =) (Why do I sense that this entry is going to be long?) =p
What the world will never take
With all I'm holding inside
With all hopes and desires
And all the dreams that I've dreamt
With all I'm hoping to be
And all that the world will bring
And all that fails to compare
You say You want all of me
I wouldnt have it any other way
I've got a Saviour and He's living in me
WHOA I wanna know
I wanna know You today
And You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take
The world will never take You away
No one could ever take You away
No one could ever take You away
Hmm... But anyway, this song was followed by "One Way". It's just very shocking when tears just continued to flow throughout worship. Normally for this kind of fast songs, nothing like this ever happens. But ya, was reminded by God about a lot of things. To start off, this whole healing process is going to take time. (considering that I'm still crying so badly during worship...) It would be nice if I just snapped my finger and then I'll be alright but that's not the case. Just like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. It'll take time.
Bro Andy was the one preaching today. Talk about coincidence. Guess what he was preaching about? Contagious faith. I said "You're kidding..." out loud and had to explain to mel why I had such a reaction. Anyone remembers a few entries back on how my TAWG seems to revolve around the whole issue of faith? Yeps. I'll fast-foward to altar call. Yes, I know I seem to be going up for each altar call. But anyway, he was calling for those who had needs for God to meet to go up. Also, he mentioned about intervening for our friends but honestly, I was in no state yesterday during altar call to pray about that. Read on...
Went up to the altar and the tears just came. I guess that church is one place where I don't bother or can't control my tears. Bro Andy prayed for me and he said that God had these three words for me, "I love you." I know. One more thing that I haven't really blog about is the whole idea of love. Been thinking about that quite a bit over the past few days. Especially about God's love for people and how love is supposed to be unconditional. I think I'll wait til V-day before I blog on love, ya? =p But yes, I was just letting out whatever I've kept inside. Didn't realize that there was so much inside me that I didn't let go off yet.
For the 2nd time in a long while, I felt the urge to kneel down at the altars. To me, that's my way of saying that I just want to surrender myself totally to God and also how I want to humble myself. Sister Joanne prayed for me as well. Really, all the adult leaders' prayer have been giving me the reassurance that I kow I need. After altar call ended, hugged mel and there's this kind of mutual understanding between us? Yayness! Could go for dinner/supper with mel after FUEL. Took the chance to catch up on each other's lives. Mhmm. =)
Back to my title. Reassurance. Finally got the answer to one of my questions that I asked God a few months ago. But the answer wasn't important anymore. Rather, yesterday was really about being reassured of God's love and forgiveness. Not only that, also a reminder how this healing process won't be easy and it'll take time but things will turn out alright in the end. And yes, I've been convinced. Rather than trying so hard to resist changing, it's pointless. I will change. I know that for a fact. I can sense it already. But I know it's for the better. Mhmm! =)
To all my friends, I'll say this once more. Don't worry so much about me, ok? I'll take care. I won't be back to normal overnight but give me time. The healing's began. Soon, I'll be whole again. Whole.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Resolutions
This entry's probably going to be one of my most honest and open entries ever. I’ll start off by explaining the choice of title. “Resolution”. I’ll cover both meanings of this word in my entry. Resolution in terms of a promise and also in terms of an ending. I’ll try to be clearer. Basically, I’ve made a few more resolutions today that I intend to stick to so please respect that, ok? –pointed look- And also, I think I’m going to address and just have a resolution to the situation that’s been affecting me. This entry hasn’t been clear, has it? Please read on, ok? I will elaborate and explain.
I'll summarize the situation that has been taking place. Yes, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been drained, tired, emotional, etc.. (You get the idea.) Why? As much as I rather avoid addressing it, I guess it’s time to. Friendships in school have been rather different from last year, hasn’t it? And well, I got to admit that it has drained me a lot the past month. People have been advising me to let go and all but my character is not like that. This whole week has been a lot better. Yes, I’ve been bottling things within me at times but I don’t act or mask, ok? What you see is what you get. Except today was just one eventful day… Especially in the evening. This is the part that I kind of dreaded blogging about but there’s a need to just address this once and for all. I got rather emotional while walking to Clementi. Yes, memories started coming back to haunt me. And it just struck me how I was so prideful and refused to let a single tear drop. At the most, my eyes were moist. That was all. That is what I mean by self-control in the previous few entries. Met up with Sammi and chatted for awhile. Some points she mentioned were rather valid but it didn’t really register until Lcell.
This adult leader was sharing about her own life and then about how at times we give and give to those around us but we don’t recharge. She was recounting how she found even resting to be a waste of time. Ouch. That hit a nerve. Especially since I’ve been increasingly nocturnal and start wishing that I didn’t have to sleep. But it really hit me then how I should take care of myself. Normally, I would blog something along the lines of “how I’ll take care and be fine for the sake of those who care about me and all” but really, that shouldn’t be the case. The one thing that I really agree with Sammi about is how I’m always trying to “save” the whole world and help everyone else but forget to take care of myself. I’m sure she’s not the only one who thinks that about me, ya? –pointed look- -cough- Heehee. And was talking to Bro Andy after Lcell. He was reminding me to take care too. So now, I say this as a resolution and a promise, “I will take care of myself”. No fine print, no conditions. Note that I didn’t use the phrase “I’ll be fine”? I know that’s not enough. Yeps. When I say I’ll take care, I mean it. I intend to live life for myself and not for others. Wait. Let me clarify. That line might seem like I’m selfish but no, I don’t mean it that way. Rather, I want to be happy because I want to and not because I feel obliged to my friends to be happy. Does that make sense? Basically, the reason why I cheer up shouldn’t just be because I don’t want my friends to worry. Because in that way, I’m not loving myself. This next part is directed at sammi. I promised you maximum two pieces, right? I’ll do better than that. I’ll get it back together til it’s one piece. By the way, one piece doesn’t mean one small piece. I’ll get it back to the way I once was. Ok, that’s resolution no 1. Taking care of myself.
Next thing to address… How do I intend to deal with this whole situation? I’ve been hearing all sort of advice. But I guess it was finally settled during Lcell. At the lowest point of this week, I really wanted to just cut out my heart so I won’t feel anything any more. It was that bad. Disclaimer: didn’t cry. =p Haha. But anyway, back to the point. It’s not that I can’t dao or hate a person. I’m sure everyone has it in them to dislike others. I don’t think I’m any exception. But really, I feel that there’s no point. I’ve come to a decision about what I am going to do already so I’ll repeat this once more. Please respect what I’ve decided. No subtle attempts to change me or anything, ok? I’m letting go yet holding on. Makes no sense, ya? =) I’ll explain. What happened in the past is in the past. I still treasure memories but that’s no point wanting what was in the past. I can’t turn back time. It’s time to move on. That’s what I mean by letting go. Holding on means that I will not give up my friendship. This part is the part I don’t know how to explain. Some might see it like I’m just leaving things the way they are and not doing anything. But it’s more than that. When I care for someone, I don’t just stop caring. It might be possible for me to do that but no. That is not what I will do. God’s just been speaking to me about this issue. There are things that I really don’t understand and I’m very confused but the phrase “let go, let God” has just been something that I need to understand and obey. This is still not as clear as I would have liked it to be but I guess this shall serve as something to refer to. If any of you have any questions or wonder what I’m blogging about, feel free to ask me to clarify or something. I promise I won’t be vague.
I’m looking forward to when I wake up. Shall play the guitar and sing a few worship songs. Too bad it’s past 12. If not, I would be playing now. Ack! My brain’s on overload. Still a lot of things going through my head… =p
Heehee... Oops. I apologize about the time. The internet connection was down so I coudn't blog and just typed this out in word document but coulnd't sleep after awhile so just turned on the com again. About to sleep after this. =)
I'll summarize the situation that has been taking place. Yes, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been drained, tired, emotional, etc.. (You get the idea.) Why? As much as I rather avoid addressing it, I guess it’s time to. Friendships in school have been rather different from last year, hasn’t it? And well, I got to admit that it has drained me a lot the past month. People have been advising me to let go and all but my character is not like that. This whole week has been a lot better. Yes, I’ve been bottling things within me at times but I don’t act or mask, ok? What you see is what you get. Except today was just one eventful day… Especially in the evening. This is the part that I kind of dreaded blogging about but there’s a need to just address this once and for all. I got rather emotional while walking to Clementi. Yes, memories started coming back to haunt me. And it just struck me how I was so prideful and refused to let a single tear drop. At the most, my eyes were moist. That was all. That is what I mean by self-control in the previous few entries. Met up with Sammi and chatted for awhile. Some points she mentioned were rather valid but it didn’t really register until Lcell.
This adult leader was sharing about her own life and then about how at times we give and give to those around us but we don’t recharge. She was recounting how she found even resting to be a waste of time. Ouch. That hit a nerve. Especially since I’ve been increasingly nocturnal and start wishing that I didn’t have to sleep. But it really hit me then how I should take care of myself. Normally, I would blog something along the lines of “how I’ll take care and be fine for the sake of those who care about me and all” but really, that shouldn’t be the case. The one thing that I really agree with Sammi about is how I’m always trying to “save” the whole world and help everyone else but forget to take care of myself. I’m sure she’s not the only one who thinks that about me, ya? –pointed look- -cough- Heehee. And was talking to Bro Andy after Lcell. He was reminding me to take care too. So now, I say this as a resolution and a promise, “I will take care of myself”. No fine print, no conditions. Note that I didn’t use the phrase “I’ll be fine”? I know that’s not enough. Yeps. When I say I’ll take care, I mean it. I intend to live life for myself and not for others. Wait. Let me clarify. That line might seem like I’m selfish but no, I don’t mean it that way. Rather, I want to be happy because I want to and not because I feel obliged to my friends to be happy. Does that make sense? Basically, the reason why I cheer up shouldn’t just be because I don’t want my friends to worry. Because in that way, I’m not loving myself. This next part is directed at sammi. I promised you maximum two pieces, right? I’ll do better than that. I’ll get it back together til it’s one piece. By the way, one piece doesn’t mean one small piece. I’ll get it back to the way I once was. Ok, that’s resolution no 1. Taking care of myself.
Next thing to address… How do I intend to deal with this whole situation? I’ve been hearing all sort of advice. But I guess it was finally settled during Lcell. At the lowest point of this week, I really wanted to just cut out my heart so I won’t feel anything any more. It was that bad. Disclaimer: didn’t cry. =p Haha. But anyway, back to the point. It’s not that I can’t dao or hate a person. I’m sure everyone has it in them to dislike others. I don’t think I’m any exception. But really, I feel that there’s no point. I’ve come to a decision about what I am going to do already so I’ll repeat this once more. Please respect what I’ve decided. No subtle attempts to change me or anything, ok? I’m letting go yet holding on. Makes no sense, ya? =) I’ll explain. What happened in the past is in the past. I still treasure memories but that’s no point wanting what was in the past. I can’t turn back time. It’s time to move on. That’s what I mean by letting go. Holding on means that I will not give up my friendship. This part is the part I don’t know how to explain. Some might see it like I’m just leaving things the way they are and not doing anything. But it’s more than that. When I care for someone, I don’t just stop caring. It might be possible for me to do that but no. That is not what I will do. God’s just been speaking to me about this issue. There are things that I really don’t understand and I’m very confused but the phrase “let go, let God” has just been something that I need to understand and obey. This is still not as clear as I would have liked it to be but I guess this shall serve as something to refer to. If any of you have any questions or wonder what I’m blogging about, feel free to ask me to clarify or something. I promise I won’t be vague.
I’m looking forward to when I wake up. Shall play the guitar and sing a few worship songs. Too bad it’s past 12. If not, I would be playing now. Ack! My brain’s on overload. Still a lot of things going through my head… =p
Heehee... Oops. I apologize about the time. The internet connection was down so I coudn't blog and just typed this out in word document but coulnd't sleep after awhile so just turned on the com again. About to sleep after this. =)
Thursday, February 01, 2007
thoughts from today
I thought I was getting numbed to the whole situation but then again, as you all always say, I'm constantly in self-denial. Turns out I'm just getting better and better at pushing things to the back of my head and just forgetting all about it. But today as I was making my way home, was thinking a lot (synonym for getting moody =p). Nothing new really. The usual, how do I associate and make links between things so well til almost anything can trigger off a set of memories? Wanting to just examine my heart/head. Wanting to know why I'm like that. Wanting to remove whatever part of my heart/head that causes me to be like this. You get the general idea... =p
Also, I realized one more thing. I doubt I'll be crying that easily or that often anymore. By the way, altar call and during service is excluded. =p I mean, it's like the only place I cry alone is either at home or somewhere in school. But I rather avoid school cause there are way too many memories and well, memories aren't good at times. Not if I'm emotional. Home is just ... sad. I don't want to relive those times again. So ya... Heehee. It's as if circumstances are no longer permitting me to cry. Oh well. That's good, I guess?
It's interesting how things have been. I still go high and start gushing/obsessing stuff or what but at the same time, there's just this constant damper on my mood. It's nothing major but I'm just a lot more reflective nowadays. Even the few seconds during ACE when our mentor showed us snippets from "Tuesday with Morrie" was enough to make me think. A lot.
Need to go off the computer. Hmm. That shall be it for now.
Also, I realized one more thing. I doubt I'll be crying that easily or that often anymore. By the way, altar call and during service is excluded. =p I mean, it's like the only place I cry alone is either at home or somewhere in school. But I rather avoid school cause there are way too many memories and well, memories aren't good at times. Not if I'm emotional. Home is just ... sad. I don't want to relive those times again. So ya... Heehee. It's as if circumstances are no longer permitting me to cry. Oh well. That's good, I guess?
It's interesting how things have been. I still go high and start gushing/obsessing stuff or what but at the same time, there's just this constant damper on my mood. It's nothing major but I'm just a lot more reflective nowadays. Even the few seconds during ACE when our mentor showed us snippets from "Tuesday with Morrie" was enough to make me think. A lot.
Need to go off the computer. Hmm. That shall be it for now.
Christian fellowship
Yay! =) Had the first session of Christian fellowship within our level yesterday. I'm really glad that this idea worked out and can see it coming true. The joy's different from the usual highness or hyperness. This is something more internal and guess it's what keeps me going. I won't blog about the whole of CF though I'm highly tempted to... =p
It does feel weird to be leading but I knew beforehand what setting up this group with Nes would mean so it's not that bad. Considering the whole session, found yesterday to be quite a good start. =) I've got a few goals and aims regarding Christian Fellowship, most of which I've shared with the group already.
There's this anticipation of what each session will bring. I have no idea what we're going to do next week (I'm still thinking about it...) but somehow, I know that it'll all work out. =) Praying that God will guide us throughout this whole time.
It does feel weird to be leading but I knew beforehand what setting up this group with Nes would mean so it's not that bad. Considering the whole session, found yesterday to be quite a good start. =) I've got a few goals and aims regarding Christian Fellowship, most of which I've shared with the group already.
There's this anticipation of what each session will bring. I have no idea what we're going to do next week (I'm still thinking about it...) but somehow, I know that it'll all work out. =) Praying that God will guide us throughout this whole time.
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