longing for a rest...

This entry is probably to be rather moody or depressing? I want to avoid having such an entry again but I need an outlet to let it out.


I'll recount today. And maybe throw in a few other things...


Dialogue session with the principals. Not bad. I think it's the first time I voiced out my opinion in such a setting. Oh well. It's time for me to do that more, I think. I've been distracted and losing sight of my goals. But other than that, I want to know what I got myself into. Do I really want to be more active in school or is it just a way of distracting myself? If it's the latter, then I'll be very ashamed of myself... Only time and reflection will tell me the answer.


Fast-foward until Talent time auditions. Whee! It's great being nervous. I could see my fingers shaking. Mhmm. I feel bad for pulling down the other two. Sorry. But there's no point looking back and thinking that I could have practiced more or what. The only constructive thing I can do at this point is to pull in more effort and play well for the final round.


After that, lunch and the rest of mini-project. Hmm... Lunch was ok. But my mood throughout mini-project was rather unlike me? I wasn't depressed or moody but rather, irritated, frustrated, pissed off. Take your pick. It carried on from the auditions so ya... I guess how I react to situations is changing gradually. I can't afford to get moody or depressed so I just become irritated and all. Why? It's really fun to make myself feel stressed out. After being disappointed at myself, I had to stress myself out further by freaking out over what needed to be done and all. So ya... So I just immersed myself into researching for the mini-project for 1 hour and tried to push away anything that wasn't related. of course, it didn't work. Considering that... Forget it.


Oh great. It's really obvious to me that the irritation and frustration was to prevent me from breaking down since my mood has taken quite a drop. Oh well...


Then after AXIS, there was the field-trip to Evolution Garden. It was bearable, in a way. But it's just that there are too many memories at Botanic Gardens. And it's like rubbing salt into the wound when I wanted to find time to go Botanic Gardens but when I do go there, it's a school-related trip and I can't exactly go off alone. I can't tell whether it's a good or bad thing that I went for dinner right after the field trip... If I was left alone, what would have happened? Would I have taken the bus back to school or wandered around the place alone?


After the field trip, yet another proof of how circumstances are ganging up against me. Was walking from Botanic Gardens to Mr Prata and on the way, one of my bag strap broke. Sighs. Oh well. Time to change bag or something? Oh wait. It's almost 12 midnight and I haven't packed my bag. In fact, I have to find an alternative bag... Oh well. Must finish blogging first. =p


One of the highlights of the day though was dinner with mei, nes, cassie (mei) and angela. Finally got the chance to eat at Mr Prata. And yes, the bandung was really sweet but it still failed to make me go high. What a pity. And I suspect I'm rather dehydrated. Ok. Shall go drink a cup of water now. Back. After that, went to Venezia/Coffee Bean with mei and nes. A lot of sugar intake today. Bought a value pack and brought it to Coffee Bean. Bought a regular Black Forest. Ya... I've been educated on the rules of eating ice cream with mei and nes. Haha. Refer to mei's lj. I'm too lazy to blog about it.


Bus ride home was just ... Can't find a suitable word at the moment. But yes, even small things such as trying to balance on the bus and grabbing hold of something to stand still reminded me of stuff... Why? Oh well... It was interesting to observe my reflection in the glass window. Yeps, fine. My eyes show the sadness in me rather evidently. And even when I tried to smile, it was so obvious that it was forced.


Came back home and my mood didn't really improve so ya... It's obvious that I'm really tired. It's not just sleepiness by the way. It's deeper than that. And now, I realized that it's actually good that I blog. At least, I let a bit of it now instead of keeping it all inside. Besides, blogging helped indirectly too. Facing the reality makes me lose my control, which is good. I hate masking. I'm getting too good at it for my own good. Then again, it crumbles easily at times.


Whee! I just thought of a day in which I can be alone. Hmm... Tempting. =) See how? I'll blog about it if I do pull that off once more. Heehee. Anyway, better stop blogging now. Still got things to do. Mhmm. Goodnight!