Thailand trip

Whee! I’m back in Singapore after 2 weeks of being in Thailand. There’s quite a bit to blog about so whoever’s going to read this, happy reading! =p To give you a rough idea of how long this entry might be, let’s just say I wrote in my notebook during the trip and it took up 2 A4 sides and that’s just a record of what I did... Anyway, since there’s so much to blog about, I better organize my blogging a bit so I’m going to include the records from my notebook, which will be in italics, and then add on other comments and details day-by-day in the normal font. Here goes…

Day 1 (18/12): The trip could have started off better… Vomited right after lunch @ the budget terminal. Anyway, realized that the last time I took a plane ride was in Primary 4. Ohh, the view from above is really nice! –gushes over clouds-
Dinner was different was Singapore cuisine (duh!). Surprised myself by trying out dishes that were hot/spicy. At least I’m showing signs of improvement. =p
Next stop, night bazaar! Mostly, it was just window shopping. I like the furniture! Especially the design of the lights and lamps. Ack, I still miss that pair of pants that I didn’t buy…But it was rather overpriced. Pft.
[Heehee. For those who are about to kill me for not taking care or what, I’ve been ok throughout the trip. That was just a one-off incident. Yay! I can at least take a bit of spicy food now, I think. It’s actually more like I can take but normally, I choose not to. =p]

Day 2 (19/12): -teeth chatters- Bathing with cold water in the morning isn’t something I enjoy. BBQ chicken for lunch! –slurps– Oh yay, took pictures with my grandaunt’s dogs.
MBK! At least I have a chance to go there. Whee! My favourite shop of all time, NPB! (For clothes only..) Bought 5 shirts at 1 go, oops? But other than that, not much…
After walking around, it was time for some massage. Ahh… -dozed off- Yeps. Relaxing. Didn’t ache as much after that. Still have to catch a train tomorrow so off to bed now…
[Ack. Ended up eating BBQ chicken almost every day… Oh well. That’s probably part of the reason why I gained weight. I’m now 2 kg heavier. By the way, MBK’s a shopping centre and NPB’s a brand of clothes. Disclamer: I bought 5 shirts from there because it’s really cheap and I like the cut of the shirts. Mhmm. Heehee. Oh well.]

Day 3 (20/12): Writing this on the train… 12 hour ride from Bangkok to Chiangmai. One thing’s for sure, I sure caught up on my sleep… -gushes- I love staying at my uncle’s place! When I looked up at the sky, there were so many stars…
[Whoa… Long, long train ride. Mhmm. Mostly, I slept or listened to my mp3 player or read. =) Ohh! Uncle Phorn’s (second grandma’s son) place is NICE!! We stayed at this place throughout the whole time we were in Chiangmai. Cause he bought some land and built a few “houses” and so we stayed in one of them. It’s similar to a chalet? Yeps. A lot, a lot of stars in the sky. Couldn’t stop gushing when I first looked up.]

Day 4 (21/12): A long car ride up a mountain and then various stops on the way down.
Hmong village. Just walking and looking at the various shops. I have a growing obsession with stars. –eyes my bracelet- Rented the outfit of the Hmong people & took photos. =p
Next stop, the winter palace, a retreat of the royal family. There’s over 250 kinds of flowers there. 0.0 Very scenic but not much time to enjoy it all.
Went to the Chiangmai zoo for a few select exhibits only. The pair of panda bears, the koala bear exhibit and the deer exhibit. Just realized that deers have long eyelashes..
After dinner, it was time for the family to be dolled up in Thai costume. Everyone looks really different..
[Ohh, remembered the name of the mountain at long last. It’s Doi Suthep. Pretty, pretty flowers at Bhu Ping palace! Especially since the roses were in full bloom. Didn’t have much time at the zoo so only saw those few exhibits. The panda bears have a celebrity status of sorts since they were flown there from China, etc etc. Haha. The dolling up in Thai costume was a photo shoot of sorts. The whole family dressed up in Thai royal outfits to have our picture taken. For my mum and I, it meant doing our hair and having make-up put on too… That elaborate. The photographer has a very unique way of taking photos. He sings karaoke while taking the photos. Mhmm.]

Day 5 (22/12): Before lunch, made a detour to a shopping centre to look at pants. That overpriced pair of pants was in the shop. Bought it anyway..
After lunch, the flower show. Didn’t quite meet my expectations. But the floats at the end was rather impressive.
[Ahh. The same pair of pants that I saw in Bangkok was in the store. I went high when I first saw it and then when I saw the price tag, -cringe. Fortunately, my grandma bargained it down a bit. Oh well. I like that pair of pants.. Mhmm! The flower show I’m referring to is the Royal Flora exhibition in Chiangmai to commemorate the King’s 60th year on the throne. Maybe cause I prefer to see flowers rather than greenery, so I didn’t enjoy that place as much as Bhu Ping. Ohh. Whoever design the mascots of the exhibition is a clever person. 9 mascots in total, so imagine the amount of merchandise and souvenirs being sold. But they’re so cute! Haha. I even ran around the place trying to look for the drink stand so as to buy the cups with the mascot for my mum.]

Day 6 (23/12): Early morning wake-up call due to the need to get to Maesa elephant camp for a performance. Drawing, dancing, dart-throwing, etc done by elephants.. Then, a visit to see how umbrellas are made. Got my jeans and jacket painted. =)
Ended off the day with a massage session.
[This record was shorter since I reached the end of the page in my notebook. =p The paintings by the elephants are good! Considering that the paintings sold for a few thousand baht each. I still like the painting of the bonsai. But I wouldn’t have bought it anyway… Went to see how those traditional paper umbrellas are made. I’m super impressed with the handicraft. Each part of the umbrella is painstakingly handmade. And of course, I have to gush over the designs of the umbrella. Ohh! It’s really cool when all those who paint the umbrella seat in one row and provide painting services for your clothes, handphones, etc… For a price, of course. But very affordable. 50 Baht (around $2 plus?) Got my pair of jeans painted with some pink butterflies as to the design on my jacket… What else? Dolphins! –bounce- Haha. Shall bring the jacket to school to replace my black one, which I still can’t find.]

Day 7 (24/12): Had the chance to sleep in. =) After breakfast, went around looking for things to sketch. The price one has to pay for a chance to sketch roses: getting a tan on one side of my face. In total, 9 sketches. Quality-wise, not bad but can be improved.
Went to “People’s Walk” at night, walked about 1 km and bought lots of things. Yay! Bought a pressed flower lamp. Hmm.. What a way to spend Christmas eve..
[Bought a notebook the day before at the umbrella making center so used it to sketch. I’m rather proud of the sketches. Considering how long it’s been since I sketched anything. Oh. Disclaimer: Not all 9 sketches are of roses. Considering Jonathan asked me to draw the mascot plushie and various other things as well. Whee! I like the subjects of each sketch. Regarding the tan, I didn’t realize until my mum commented that one part of my cheek was darker than the rest. I don’t know the name of the place where we walked at night. But the direct translation is “The street where people walk” so yeps. My dad counted the number of lampposts and then multiplied it by the distance between each lamp so that’s how the 1 km came about. Still can’t believe I really bought a lamp and that my parents actually allowed! Whee! It’s like nice. Pressed paper flower lamp. Yeps.]

Day 8 (25/12): Blessed Christmas! Had to wake up early to go Doi Inthanon, a mountain. It’s the highest in Thailand. Went to the summit first and bought a jacket. =) The temperature was around 70C!
After that, drove to see two pagodas. The view from there is really spectacular. Blue sky, which was cloudless, and lots of greenery.
Last stop at the mountain: Mae Ya waterfall. –gush- Breathtaking.. Wish I could have spent more time there…
Other than Doi Inthanon, went to walk around a “village” of shops. There wasn’t really much that I like but got to say that I’m impressed with the handicraft.
[I like Doi Inthanon! That day was one of my favourite days during the trip. Had to wake up early (what’s new?) to drive there but it was worth it. The view’s breathtaking. Shall upload pictures onto my MSN space as soon as possible. I like the jacket I bought! It’s those kind which you pull over your head. Been looking for one so yeps, I like the one I bought! It’s black and has a hood and the design’s not bad. It’s just words saying that Doi Inthanon’s the highest mountain in Thailand and the exact height is there too. Mhmm. The view from outside the pagodas is really spectecular! You can see the mountains shrouded in clouds and the colour of the sky is really, really blue. Dad took one picture with his hand phone, which I sent to my phone almost immediately when we came back to Singapore. Very scenic place. Started gushing once I saw the waterfall (duh! It’s a waterfall!). But since there wasn’t much time, couldn’t stay there for long. Pft.]

Day 9 (26/12): A long drive from Chiangmai to Mae Hong Son. Around 300km and 1864 curves. Went to the village of “Longneck Karen”. Pft. Foreigners always have to pay more.. I like the handicraft! Shawls and handphone holder. =)
[Hired a minibus to drive the 10 of us up to Mae Hong Son. My parents, Jonathan, my grandma, my second grandaunt, her daughter (Auntie Yang), Uncle Phorn and his wife, Uncle Vincent and me. Mhmm. Long, long trip. Ended up sleeping a lot. Ohh. The part about the foreigners having to pay more is cause some locals charged us another 250 Baht for each tourist which meant my family and Uncle Vincent. In the end, my grandma bargained it down.. But still. It’s aggravating to have to pay more just because you’re not Thai. Sighs. Yay! I finally have a shawl that I can call my own. Been using my mum’s each time I needed one. Anyway, Auntie Yang bought the shawl for me. Cause I was looking at it and asking her to help me find out the price. It’s like a blue-green colour. Mhmm.]

Day 10 (27/12): Yet another long drive from Mae Hong Son to Pai. Stopped for lunch by the Pai river. After lunch, more driving, all the way to Chiangrai. Altogether, a rather uneventful day. Oh yes, did I mention that hitting your head on the minibus window repeatedly results in a particular part of your head to hurt, quite badly?
[Ok. The last line is due to the fact that when I fell asleep on the minibus, I ended up hitting my head against the window several times. And ouch, it hurt? So had 2 bruises for quite a few days. It was super irritating when that particular spot got itchy and I couldn’t scratch it cause it hurt to touch my head. Ack.]

Day 11 (28/12): Went to Doi Tung, the Queen Mother’s palace. The garden’s rather big and there’s a high quantity of flowers but not that much variety. A lot of nice scenes to sketch but didn’t have the time. Also walked around her villa. Very clear view of the mountains from there.
After Doi Tung, it was off to Mae Sai. Crossed over the border to Myanmar for a high amount, 600 Baht per head. A lot of jackets & imitation goods sold at the shops.
Last stop before heading back to Chiangmai, the Golden Triangle. Could see Laos and Myanmar from where we were. Finally back in Chiangmai now…
[Doi Tung is nice! Doi Tung and Doi Inthanon are my favourite places in Chiangmai! With the sole exception of Uncle Phorn’s place. The gardens are planted with a large quantity of flowers rather than a large variety but it’s still very scenic. And the flowers in full bloom are big! Bigger than my palm anyway. Didn’t really enjoy going to Mae Sai and crossing the border. Not much point anyway? The high fee that we had to pay was due to the fact that we’re … not Thai. Whee! Oh. Met the son of Uncle Phorn and he went back with us to Chiangmai. Mhmm.]

Day 12 (29/12): No programme planned so slept in. Walked around and sketched a bit. Lunch, followed by another sketch and then a 2 hour long nap. Tea-break, then last sketch of the day: a rose in full bloom. Watched the sunset alone from one of the houses.
After dinner, it was time for a karaoke session at our chalet. Sang til 11 plus, local time.
[The sunset was nice... Hmm. Karaoke session was rather interesting.]

Day 13 (30/12): Yet another massage session before going to the “People’s Walk” for one last shopping trip. Covered a lot more shops in a shorter amount of time. Went back to Uncle Phorn’s house and slept in the Thai-style “house”.
[There's not much to add on so I'll not add on. =p]

Day 14 (31/12): Last day of the trip. Woke up early and headed to the airport. Writing this on the plane now. 2 more hours til we reach Singapore, can’t wait to be back home.
[I'm back. What else is there to blog about? Oh. On the plane ride, realized how homesick I was. Pft.]

going away

Hiya! For those who don't know, I'll be going away today all the way til 31st.

Ack. I want to be in Singapore especially during Christmas. Pft. At first, I wanted to mail you all your presents but decided not to. So sorry. That means you all will have to wait til I meet up with you all the next time. Mhmm.

Bah.. Honestly, I'm not going to enjoy the trip as much as I would have a couple of years back. My friends are starting to be at the same level of priority with my family and that says quite a bit..

I'm going to miss you all so much. Each time I go overseas, I always wish that one of you are with me. Whatever sight-seeing I do on this trip, I just know that my thoughts would be "If only so-and-so can see this..", that kind of thinking..

I won't be bringing my handphone along so I'll be uncontactable for the next two weeks. Go ahead and message me if you want but I'll only read them on the 31st.

3 of you, can you all discuss if we're meeting up on the 1st? Time/location/activity. That's provided that we can all go out on that day.

I'll miss you all.

unusual ramblings

Whether this post will really be unusual, I don't know yet. I know what I want to blog about but as usual, I don't know how to go about blogging it.

Let's start off with saying "Happy Birthday" to those whose birthday falls on today, though none of them read my blog, I think. Checked my email and saw 3 friendster birthday reminders for today. And I was only aware of one of them. =p There's another person who's not my friend on friendster whose birthday also falls on today. Mhmm. Heehee.

The really nonsensical thing is I sent out an e-card. =p I don't know why but even though I'm not close to that person, I see quite a few similarities between me and that person.. In a different situation, I might have gotten to know that person better. But that's really unlikely in real life. Oh well. Tempted to address the person in this post but there's really no point? Since I doubt the person reads my blog. Or do you? I read yours though. Laadeedaa.

Enough about that person for now.. Got this feeling that this won't be the last time I blog about that person. Especially since I want to build up Christian fellowship in school. -coughs- That cough is due to the fact that the identity of the person is really, really obvious by now. Or at least, it should be to the three of you. -pointed look-

Ohh. Finally bought hershey's today. Cookies and cream flavour. Dang. Even that brings back memories. Or was I doing it deliberately? Sighs..

Ohh! After the briefing for people staying at Adam, Bro Andy talked to me for awhile. He commented that I looked a bit sad. Hmm.. My mood wasn't that high/happy. But sad? It's probably rather accurate. But dang, it shows. Pft. People aren't supposed to notice, unless you're one of those few people who I can't hide much from. Oh well. Enough rambling for today, I think. This might be my last entry before I go thailand. See how. Will attempt to blog tomorrow if possible. Or monday before I leave for the airport. Considering that the flight's in the afternoon.

Emerging..

This entry is overdue by 3 days. Though it would have been nice to blog about everything related to camp in 1 entry, I had to go for dinner after blogging the previous entry and it just wasn't the same if I blogged after that. I started being distracted by other things. Any of my entries related to camp, I want them to be written when I'm fully focused on blogging. So I shall continue blogging now. =)

The last two areas that God spoke to me about: reaching out to others and giving my all. Although the first area can get me quite emotional, there's no point in avoiding that issue. In church, we're told to invite our friends for events, for services, so on.. In primary school, I wasn't really interested in going to church anyway so didn't bother inviting my friends. Secondary school.. Somehow, things changed. Especially last year and this year. In secondary 2, gloria and shao came quite a few times. This year, sammi came quite a few times too. =) But even so, my heart was never fully into saving souls for God. The whole thing about me not feeling like I fit in in church didn't help. Who would want to invite their friends when they felt so alone in church? You wouldn't want your friend to go through that too... That was what went through my mind previously. Anyway, I've sidetracked. Even after being an SP, I haven't gone all out and tried to reach out to my friends. One service during camp, the altar call was about us reaching out to our friends and the pastor was telling us to have in mind people that we want to reach out to after camp. Three names came to mind almost immediately. It hurts so much to realize how little I've done even though I value those 3 so much. I found out that a really effective form of motivation is when you think of how you'll lose those close to you because you didn't put in the effort. The tears that I've shed.. I'll be trying.

Last area that I'll want to cover about camp is how I finally acknowledged my lack of effort in so many areas. I wanted to use the word "realized" instead of "acknowledged" but then found it rather unsuitable. I know I haven't been putting in my best. But now, it's finally hit me and I chose to face the reality. When was the last time I gave my all? Or even tried hard to achieve something? Though I shouldn't look back on past glories, I think the one time I really put in effort was in Primary 5. To this day, I've no idea what I did. But that period of time, my grades had quite a dramatic improvement. But after PSLE, everything went tumbling down and I stopped bothering after awhile. Sure, I was disappointed with my grades and all in Sec 1 and 2 but still, I didn't study hard. I just mugged at the last minute. This year, I cruised along for the first semester and was rather content with my marks. Then semester 2's CAP was .. disappointing (to put it mildly). God spoke to me about my effort (or lack of it). And it wasn't just for my studies. Various other things, I haven't given as much as I can. There's probably only one area that I can say that I've given a decent amount of effort at least. But it's just one out of so many areas. Let's see.. Studies, SP, D&D, friends, family, goals, etc... Out of those I've listed so far, I can only be proud of one area. And to be honest, I'm only proud of a small part of that area of my life. The other parts of that area, I've not given my best. Ack. Shall stop being so vague. Since I've been rather honest and open, may as well continue and just state down things for how they truly are. The only area that I've put in decent amount of effort into is my friendship with one person. But I feel that I've failed in doing my part in friendships with so many others. Especially you three. I really thought that we would last forever. This past week, I've been looking back and just acknowledging my lack of effort so many times. I've never pushed myself to my limits before. I know I have the potential to do so much more but it's always been wasted. To quote my parents, "You just cruise along." I want to step out of my comfort zone and just push myself more. Of course it'll hurt but I want to try. I've lost that spirit that I had in Primary 3. Then, I wanted to try out being in the GEP even though my parents were a bit worried about me. I persuaded them by saying that "I want to try. Even if I can't last in the GEP, at least I know I've tried." Nowadays, I've stopped trying. I want to give my all once more. In fact, the only areas that I've given my all is probably giving my time and energy to those 2. It didn't matter how things would turn out, it was just instinct to give whatever I could to them. It still is, by the way. Anyway, I'm hoping that in 2007, I can push myself so much more. I know I can do so much more but only if I try and put in all I've got. How much is that? I've no idea. But I intend to find out.

Emerge.. A new generation

I'm back from youth camp. Been looking foward to typing this blog entry. Throughout camp, there would be times when I think "Hmm.. I must blog about this, I must blog about that". The only problem is that there are a lot of things that I want to blog about. This blog entry wouldn't just be a blog entry. It would also serve the purpose of recording down what God has spoken to me about and what has been impressed upon my heart. Even before the leaders and pastors told us to write down in our camp booklets about what we received from God, that idea already came to my mind. =)

This entry is going to be edited so many times.. I want to blog while everything's still fresh in my mind. I know! I shall just blog about camp in two entries. =) One entry will be on the activities during camp and stuff like that while the other entry will be a reflection of sorts. No prizes for guessing what I'm going to blog about in this entry.

I'm not too sure how to start off my reflections on camp. Never mind, shall just type whatever comes to mind. Throughout the camp, there have been a few adult leaders who have prayed for me but I'll only blog about what 3 of them prayed about. Bro Adrian laid hands upon me and prayed this "God has impressed this word upon me: Captivate." He went on about how God wants to captivate me with his love. Throughout camp, there have been quite a few recurring thoughts in my head. One of them concerned loving God and being loved by God. A pastor raised up a good point about love and giving to your loved ones today. If you give and you expect something in return, then sooner or later, the relationship wouldn't work out. In the same way, we can't give God our praise and worship and expect him to give us back in return. Anyway, I would like to think that I've given quite a bit of myself to my friends. So how much more does God deserve? I've given so much to my friends but I've given so little to God in comparison. Ouch. It wasn't painless coming to that realization..

Sis Joanne prayed this over me, "You have been rooted and the foundation is set. God wants you to build a house for Him." She went on about building for God. Appropriate, very appropriate. I'm hesitating before I blog about my reflections on this because there are some actions that I feel I have to take but it won't be easy. So once I start blogging about it, I don't want to give up half-way. Throughout the past year, there's been this idea in my head to either form Christian fellowship as a CCA or at least have a Christian fellowship group in school. This idea probably started since the day I heard "One Way" being played in the school canteen. Subsequently, there was that time at the piano too.. But I've just rejected and dismissed it as an idea that won't work out. Guess it's cause I'm afraid and don't have the courage. It's great how God works. Last year during camp, he assured me as to how and why I managed to enter NUS High. This year, he starts showing me the plans he has for me and for the school. Now that I've blogged about it, that confirms it. I have to at least try and do something. Even if Christian fellowship isn't an actual CCA, I want to build up the Christian fellowship group(s) in school. It's going to be difficult, realized it from the start. But I want to sustain the fire inside me. It's irritating when it starts dying out awhile after camp. To quote the pastors, "There's this cycle. We all get spiritually high during camp and it lasts for a while before it dies out and then we go back to normal til the next camp."

Last prayer from an adult leader that I want to blog about is what Sis Jasmine prayed for me about, "A new mantle of leadership". Whoa. There's quite a bit that I want to blog about on leadership but can't really get my thoughts organized enough. Basically, I want to step out in faith and let God guide me. Basically, stepping out to lead in church and also in school. I have a vague idea of how the former is possible but the latter? To be honest, I am scared of what next year will bring.

There are a few more things that God spoke to me about. My lack of regular TAWG, reaching out to people and lastly, giving my all into every aspect of my life. My lack of regular time alone with God. Sighs. I really lack the self-discipline and self-control but this can't go on. I have to set aside some time each day or every alternate day. That's one way to keep the fire burning in me.

The last two areas, I think I'll blog on them separately. It hits quite a few raw nerves.

before Emerge

To be honest, I got to admit that I'm a bit reluctant to blog this type of entries once more. The last time, those entries brought about quite a bit of conflict between me and my friends.. But anyway, here goes.

One more day to Emerge! For those not from church, that's the theme of my church's youth camp for this year. I'm intending to blog an entry on my expectations, feelings before the camp. Then afterwards, compare it to the entry that I'll have after the camp. =)

Yay. I'm thankful that I've been allowed to go for the camp. At first, parents disapproved because of the original location but after the location was changed, parents gave permission straightaway. Then there was my grandfather's condition to consider..

There's one thing that's going to be different this camp compared to the previous two camps I've been to, the position that I've been placed at. When I received the call from Sister Jas, the first feeling was that I was overjoyed. Deep down, I was hoping that I would have a chance to be in a leadership position. Yayness. =) I'm assistant leader of one of the groups. The contradictory thing is I normally avoid leading as it means being in the spotlight. There are other reasons why I avoid being a leader such as a sense of inadequency and feeling that there are others more well-equipped to lead. Or the issue that was on my mind before I became an SP, "How can I expect to lead others in the right way when I feel so lost in my life?" You get the general idea. Yet, I was happy. And I've no idea why I wanted the position. But honestly, I'm still nervous. But the leader's briefing was enjoyable and did help calm me down a bit and I was given some assurance by the adults said. Mhmm. =)

I'm expecting quite a few things from the camp. Each year, my expectations for camp have been met beyond what I expected. Each youth camp has changed me a bit but to be honest, it only lasts for a while. The fire within me dies out after awhile. But somehow, there's this anticipation inside of me. I just sense that I will change quite a bit after camp. Whether it's me being more confident/comfortable being in leadership positions or something else, I've no idea. But to quote my MSN nickname, "I know I will change, for the better. Will you all see it that way?" I guess there's still a bit of insecurities in me after the previous incident. Didn't realize it. Only a few of you have known me when I was really passionate about running after God. Honestly, I haven't shouted my faith out loud. Why? I've got to ask myself that too.

One last thing to round up this entry. The previous time, someone I hold dear to me was hurt because the person felt worthless since my relationship with God, going to church, etc seemed to be the only thing that made me happy. My friends felt worthless. But I want to get this clear. Yes, I am happy and my spirits are lifted up in service especially when I encounter God's presence. But no, that's not the only thing that makes me happy. I value my friends so much. So here's a promise that I'll make to my friends. No matter how I've changed after the camp, my friends will always be important to me. I just hope that even if I do change, the way you treat me won't. Other than being nervous, I'm scared too..

one normal day

Whee! Today finally felt like a holiday, compared to the past few weeks. Meeting up with friends, slacking, doing things that I enjoy, etc... =)

Kor, Mei and Nes (duh, who else?) came over to my house today in the morning. Morning referring to 8am. 0.0 Nice of them, ya? Haha. I didn't really mind. They are pro! Helped me finished the Disney princess jigsaw puzzle. After that, they played for an hour or so on the piano before we watched Mr and Mrs Smith while eating lunch (which was soon neglected and forgotten). Then more fixing of a new jigsaw puzzle. But it was a lot harder since the picture's of a pair of dolphin in this sea that's rainbow-coloured. Nes suggested playing bridge so ended up going downstairs to buy a deck of cards. Sadness. Didn't have any cards at home. Oh well. Played bridge the rest of the time. Heehee. I am really the rewols one. Somehow, I managed to play through a few games being really blur and confused as to who my partner was and stuff like that. Then nes had to leave and kor also left. Mei stayed for awhile before she left too.. =( Oh well. Sighs.

The saddest thing is after I transferred what we've done of the dolphin puzzle unto the board, when I brought it in my room, the board dropped a bit and half of what we did went unto my bed. So naturally, some of those we joined together came apart. Had to rush off to meet my mum so didn't fix everything back. But everything's on the board at least. And the border's still in place. =)

Rushed down to central to meet my family and had dinner before watching Happy Feet. Ack. Another example of my ssenwols: didn't realize that the entertainment centre's been renovated and the ticket counter's now on the 2nd floor. Mhmm. Happy Feet is cute! -gushes over Mumble and Gloria- Ohh! I like Gloria's heartsong. It is nice. The heartsong of Mumble's parents is nice too. Mhmm! =) Must remember to get the show when it's out on VCD/DVD. Ok. It's getting late/early. Better go sleep now. Goodnight!

closest

I've been blogging a lot of entries on my friends, be it thanking them or summarizing the various friendships in my life. This entry's going to quite similar except that I'm going to direct it to two people only. On my MSN space, I dedicated the song to the same two people. In fact, I think I directed almost that whole post to them. =p

I really know how to pick my friends, don't I? To be honest, the amount of tears I've shed over you two probably makes up the majority of my tears in secondary school. On the other hand, a lot of things remind me of you two, even really trivial stuff. Sure, I've had unpleasant memories that concern you two but there are also memories of you two that I want to keep with me forever.

Ok. Enough with that paragraph. It was way too general. Time to address each of you separately. I'll start off with the one that I knew earlier.

You. Haha. Even blogging in this style reminds me of you. After all, we've had so many entries in which we don't mention names and just use "you". You've influenced me a lot and changed me a lot. I think I became a bit less innocent. =p Still remember the question mark notebook? I still wonder what happened to it... Anyway, that aside. My favourite memory of us was when we were to Junction 8 and then you cut your hair. After that, we took neoprints. To this day, I think that set of neoprints is the nicest in my collection. For once, I looked photogenic. =p Haha. But not only that, it was one of the rarer times when it was only two of us going out and taking neoprints. And the smiles on our faces were so genuine. It was also well-decorated. Anyway, I attribute a lot of my behaviour to you actually. There are certain habits that I have even til this day. But times have changed. We've drifted quite a bit. And though things have been improving slightly over the past month, it hasn't reached the level that we were once at. Sighs. Once, you said that you read my blog every alternate day or something like that. I was pleasantly surprised. I thought you stopped reading my blog. Now, do you still read it as often? I know I still check yours each time I go online. Please leave a tag if you still read. Thanks.

Next, unto you. It's a bit harder to blog a paragraph addressing you, I much rather talk to you or something. But anyway, it feels weird if I only address the other person and not you. Mhmm. My friendship with you is rather different compared to my friendship with other people. Normally, I try to be the listener rather than the talker. But with you, I tend to just rant on more, especially over the phone. At times, I'm not used to it. But it's also this that makes your friendship so much more valuable to me. And I have no idea why, but whether guards I have in place all just collapse when I'm talking to you. It's all unintentional. For example, I can just be talking and then I realize the emotions that I've buried beneath and it all comes out. And though you haven't changed me as much as the other person has, you've brought out quite a few aspects of me even more. And there's something I haven't told you. You unknowingly fulfilled two wishes that I made a long time ago. =p Mhmm. Shall end this paragraph here. Let's see if what I'm hoping for now comes true. =p

You two ah... So many things can trigger off memories, both good and bad. But I'm getting used to it. Besides, I don't regret knowing either one of you, my two closest friends cum siblings (even if we're not related by blood).

There. Finished the entry at last. This entry was written in two parts. Was interrupted last night when parents came back so had to stop blogging. Have fun guessing who those two people are. It's really obvious though. =p

bottling

Have I mentioned that my subconscious is capable of so much more than I give it credit for?Hmm. There was this incident on Saturday that made me realized how well I could push things to the back of my head. While I've been able to push things to the back of my head rather effectively (by my standards), the past week just beats everything hands down.

I didn't even realize what I've been bottling inside me. Had to force everything back into the bottle almost immediately after the bottle was open. After the bottle's been open for the first time, the cap's a lot looser. The bottle has been on the verge of opening quite a few times but each time, I have to force the cap on tightly. But not tightly enough. In fact, I want to remove the cap and let the contents of the bottle spill out but there hasn't been a time for that. The saddest thing is that I thought the bottle was empty or at least empty enough so it doesn't matter if the cap comes loose. But as usual, I'm either in denial or I'm just really naive to think that everything was settled. Oh. It turns out that the bottle was capped for a week at the very least before it was first opened on Saturday. Actually, it was probably capped since the start of the holidays? Oh well. And right now, the cap's looser than ever. But I can't risk letting everything come out of the bottle. Not now anyway.

Ok. That paragraph was just really really different. Quite understandable, I think. Doesn't matter. Not really in the mood to blog now.

quick note

Yay. I'm home. Quite unexpected really. Was supposed to stay overnight at my grandmother's house again but came back home because my brother missed his bed so much. But the sad thing is that my overnight bag is still at my grandmother's place. Went to the funeral parlour with only my handphone. So I'll have to wait til tomorrow before getting back my MP3 player and various other things. Ack. Oh well.

Not much to blog about really. Just wanted to enjoy using the computer. =p

Ohh. Shall blog about my rather uneventful day. Basically, I've become the unofficial "babysitter" during this time. At first, it only consist of taking care of Jonathan from morning til evening. Today, I had to watch over Jonathan and my 3 younger cousins. All girls, one primary 5 this year, one primary 4 next year and one primary 1 next year. The bad part is when I get sleepy but can't sleep cause the two older girls fell asleep so no one left to watch over the two kids. >.< Oh well. And I finish reading salem falls by about 1pm so had to stone with my MP3 player or watch whatever was on TV. Fortunately, the kids chose to watch "8 below". Whew. So had something to do, which I enjoyed. =)

Why do I have this feeling that tomorrow's going to be a repeat of today? Sighs. The most irritating thing about this whole period of time is not the fact that I can't go out or what, it's the fact that everything's so last minute. I only knew 5 minutes before we boarded the taxi that we'll be going home to sleep tonight. Little things like that. It'll be nice to know where I'll be tomorrow but no one can give me the answer so I have no idea what to pack in my bag when I leave the house. And I have no idea whether I'll be home tomorrow night. It's things like this. Sighs. Got to admit that right now my mind's already on next week. I want to go out with all my friends before the 10th.

You know that I told some of you all that my trip to Thailand was cancelled? Well, it turns out that I still might go. But it's all not confirmed. I'm not sure whether I'll be in Singapore or Thailand. Sighs. The only event confirmed for the next few weeks is that I'm allowed to go for youth camp. Yay. 10th - 13th December. That's it.

eventful days

Hmm. I probably won't be able to blog til after saturday or sunday. In fact, I doubt I'll be home much the next few days. High chance that I'll be staying over at my grandmother's place. But I'll still be contactable by my handphone, ok? -hint- (I'm going to be bored in the morning/afternoon.) =p

Oh. For those who don't know, I blacked out for a minute on tuesday afternoon. Oops? Before I get killed by everyone, let me state clearly that I did eat my lunch on that day. Omelette + large bowl of mashed potato. So there. Urk. Don't like the experience of blacking out. One moment, I was listening to my parents talk, then when I came to, I was on the floor. >.< Luckily my parents caught me. =p Oh well. So because of this incident, my mum insists that I go for a full body check-up soon. That'll have to wait til everything's over and everyone's no longer so busy.

And another piece of new for those who don't know, the reason why I'll be busy and staying over at my grandmother's place is because my grandfather passed away yesterday.

Sighs. I'm tempted to blog an entry on life and death and how we should appreciate what we have, etc, etc. But not now. Maybe when my thoughts get a bit more organized.

200th post

Whoa. After close to 2 years, I've finally reached the 200th post. Guess I'll use this post as a time for a reflection yet again. Even though I'm bound to start reflecting on the past a lot more when it's the end of the year/start of 2007.

This blog was created at the end of Secondary 1, after the youth camp. Things have really changed over these 2 years. Transferring from nanyang to nus high, knowing new friends, drifting away from old friends. Gaining more experiences and memories. Knowing myself better at times. Yet, even as I think that I know myself better, there are always new experiences in which my responses are totally unexpected. Think I've blogged a lot more over this past year. I feel a mild sense of accomplishment that I still maintain most of my blogs. I don't consider my livejournal as a blog though. My main blogs are this one, my MSN space and occasionally my private blog. =p I'm tempted to start reading all my entries again from each blog. But not now... Need to go for piano lesson soon.

I want to blog more about the changes between now and last time... Hmm. Ohh. Just checked my archives. Yeps, I've proof that I've been blogging more. I hit my 100th entry this year in April. And now it's only November and I've hit the 200 mark. =) Okie. That settles it. I shall blog about the difference between this semester and the previous semester. =p

Academically, I've done worse this semester for the exams but I think my CA did improve. I'm disappointed with my exam grades but I won't go beat myself up over it. Mhmm. Emotionally, I think this semester has been quite a roller-coaster ride. More eventful and a lot more emotional than the 1st semester. Although I agree that being emotional isn't that good and stuff like that, I think the past 6 months have made me realize various truths about myself. Hopefully that means that I know myself a bit better instead of being in denial. =p Haha. Spiritually.. Hmm, I've been praying more. A lot more. But still need to do my TAWG regularly. Priorities over this semester has changed quite a bit. Corrections: it hasn't changed. It's just a lot more clearer to me now. I think.

And of course, how can I forget one of the most important areas of my life? My friends. How have things changed? Erm.. The truth hurts at times so I'll do a bit of censoring and minus out some names. So I'll keep this part nameless.

Group 1 - Drifted quite a bit. I got to say I didn't expect it. I was always the naive kid, ya? Disappointed. I'm still hoping though. Things seem to be picking up for the better. Or at least my relationship with one of you's getting slightly better than last semester. But the rest of you, I don't think things will go back to the way they were. At least she's making the effort.

Group 2 - My friendship with you all is really quite unexpected. In the sense that I didn't expect to be that close with you all and going out with you all so much. It's fun to hang out with you all. And I can go crazy (or normal depending on how you look at it)... The sad thing is I'm almost always the one being bullied. >.< But yeps, I don't want to imagine life without any one of you.

Individual 1 - Most consistent friendship. Lasted longer than what people expected. It lasted longer than my own expectations. For that, I'm thankful. Got to catch up with you more though. =p Now if you'll stop being so buzy with other people. -coughs-

Individual 2 - Drifted quite a bit this past month? Why? Oh well. Hopefully things change during this holiday. But yeps, you're one friend that I don't regret knowing. Then again, I rarely regret knowing anyone. But you've taught me quite a bit, directly and indirectly. Mhmm.

Individual 3 - Thank God for you. As we both said, it was good timing that we knew each other when we did, ya? To have someone to be able to talk to openly and that we understand each other's situation. Oops. Owe you one outing. Got to meet up with you soon. Mhmm.

Hmm. These people/group of people are those who have been close/are close to me. The total number of people is 9. Quite obvious which 9...

Ok. Long enough blog entry. Ohh. -pouts- -whines- Some people are away at camp!! I miss them. And they've only just went for camp today. Kor, Mei and Nes, we are so meeting up for a move marathon, can? Please... -whines. =p

NTUC concert

Don't feel like blogging about the whole of the past week.. Shall just blog about my brother's year-end concert yesterday. Skipped service and FUEL because of it. Anyway, went there and watched kids from various childcare centres perform. The accompanying music at time is really... cutesified. =p For example, the kids were doing a morning workout to this song which went "ohh eee ohh ahh ahh zing zang wala wala bing bang.." Was really amused by the whole performance. I like the finale the best though. 187 kids standing on stage and most of them singing the two songs chosen for the finale. The songs were "peng you" by zhou hua jian and "That's what friends are for". I want the songs!! Actually, there should be a copy of "peng you" somewhere around the house. Shall go dig it up later. Meaningful songs... =)

Yay. I know. "That's what friends are for" shall be the next song that I'll blog about in my MSN space. =) At least, I'm maintaining some of my blogs...

Not really in the mood to blog. >.< Oh well.

disappointed

Though my previous entry rather depressing and all, towards the end of the entry, I kind of expressed my hopes for the next day. But I was being way too hopeful. I imagined that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. But right now, I'm still stumbling along in darkness. If anything, yesterday was considerably bad. What hopes? All gone. And although I want to keep hoping that with each new day, things will improve, that hasn't been the case.

Ohh. Interestingly enough, I think my emotional/mental state is taking a toll on my physical well-being more than ever. Saturday night, Sunday night and last night. I manage to sleep at relatively decent times. Before 10:30. But the bad part comes after 12 midnight. I've woke up every hour since 1. Let's see. It's like this. Wakes up, looks at my handphone for the time. "Ohh, it's 1am. Go back to sleep". Then the whole cycle repeats for 2am, 3am, some time before 5am, 5am, so on and so forth. Just the number of times that I wake up and check the time exceeds 5. Not even counting the times when I don't check the time. So I wake up in the morning extremely irritated and frustrated because I lack restful sleep. I might be in bed for 10+ hours. But too much of it isn't restful. My mum was speculating that I was worried and stressed over the PTM. Hah. As if. If that was the case, I wouldn't have gone through the whole cycle again last night. Laadeedaa. How about this? I think I know why I've not been sleeping well. Let's put it this way. The day I see the light at the end of the tunnel will be the day I sleep well. Ohh! Other than being really sleepy, there was the chance of me falling sick. Think I avoided it though. Since I've been drinking a lot more water. My throat demands it. But another bad thing is that I lost my appetite the whole of yesterday. -cringe- Not good.

Oh well. Let's stop dwelling in self-pity for now and blog about PTM. Cap of 3.44 Sighs. It's higher than what I calculated so I'm not too shocked or disappointed anymore. And there are certain parts of the report that I can take pride in and my parents were rather fine with my results. That doesn't mean I'm not grounded. They want to view my marks on espace first before deciding my "sentence".

I don't dare to hope that today will be better. I hoped that yesterday would be the day that the situation changed but the whole day, I was just so tired. In fact, more than ever? So I don't want to hope for today. But if things don't get better, I don't know how long more I can last. On the bright side, it's a lot more bearable for my physical state to be weak than for my emotional state to be weak. At least, this toll on my physical has helped to keep my emotional state at a decent level. =)

illogical links

Initially, I wanted to blog about Worship Experience yesterday and one of the most interesting taxi rides that I ever had but now, I just want to blog something that's been occupying my head for a good part of yesterday.

"Cry". Clouds. Pictures of scenery. Bottle of water. MPH. "For one more day". Precious moments. Soundtracks. Can anyone figure out how these items all link together? Or how they're similar? Actually, the list can be way longer but right now, these are the few that I remember most. No, they're not a list of things that I like. Aybody up for playing hangman? All these items fall under one catergory. The word is 8 letters long. To help whoever's interested, many things can fall under this catergory. In the same way that KFC, mashed potatoes, neoprints, Cineleisure, MRT lines, so on and so forth can fall under the catergory. No, the word isn't memories by the way. It occured to me though. =p

Whee!! One more day... Tomorrow will finally come. I'm not counting down to the parent-teacher meeting or even Jonathan's birthday. I'm hoping that tomorrow marks the end of my tiredness. It's really draining to have to go through this really tired state for 3 consecutive days with anything to look foward to or anything to give me hope. The worst part is when sleep doesn't help anymore. Slept early last night at 10. But was tossing and turning a lot throughout the night and woke up quite a few times. Including that irritating time when I woke up at 5.05am. I really should stop looking at the clock. From then til 8 plus, it was aggravating. I wanted to sleep but the sleep wasn't restful. Very fragmented and uncomfortable. Oh well. That's that. Just wondering what will tomorrow hold? More tiredness? Or finally, the light at the end of the tunnel? I'll find out tomorrow..

a kind of routine...

As I told mei, these few days and the next few would probably consist of me being at the hospital or me being at home with Jonathan. Of course, there's been a few "inconsistencies" here and there such as yesterday from noon til about 5. I'll blog about that first then blog about the general state of things.

Met up with those 3 during their break from arts fest rehearsal. Went to the arcade for a while before catching "Step Up". Hmm... It's not bad actually. The dance routines were impressive. Ohh. What is it with phrases and stuff like that speaking out to me?? I blame it on erm.. a guilty conscience? Laadeedaas. After that, drank one bowl of soup at Pizza Hut before I had to rush off and meet my mum. Went to the childcare and was very tickled by the behaviour of the kids there. And also by how short the chairs were. To think that I was once at that age and in that exact same childcare. Oh, I remember my mum once said this to me, "Are you very stressed or something? You're getting so tickled over such a simple thing." So yesterday, it occured to me. Was I really amused by what was happening or was I trying too hard to convince myself? Laadeedaas. But it was really heart-warming to see the smile on Jonathan's face during the whole time. After that, went down to the hospital. Left earlier than normal because Jonathan was being really restless and so had to bring him home.

Ohh! While blogging this, my mum called and told me that I can go for service later. Yay! =) I thought I was going to miss Worship Experience again.

Last thing to blog about. Even though I've been sleeping quite a lot, my eyes constantly want to close and I long to just sleep as much as possible. This tiredness started since yesterday or maybe even thursday? And I've got this really bad feeling that it's going to last for quite awhile. Even sleeping more doesn't seem to help much. The only good thing about sleep is that you're not aware of what's going through your head unless you have dreams or anything. But fortunately, I don't dream often. But one of the bad thing is that right before I sleep, my mind starts going on overload and I end up thinking too much or -cringe- imagining too much. Let's just say my head was having fun tormenting me before I fell asleep. And oh, my pillow was ever so comfortable yesterday. =p

drained - resting

For the first time in a long while, I've drained myself a bit too much physically, I think. =p Oops. Let's see. I didn't know how tiring it was to play DDR on standard mode. I tried for about 2-3 songs? Then after playing, had to pack up my stuff and all. I was exhausted. And course I wouldn't be going down to school tomorrow, had to empty out my locker today. Uhohh. Finally opened it for the first time this semester. Let's just say I really shouldn't have done everything today. I left my art supplies from last semester in the locker so had to bring everything back. So erm... I went home with as much stuff as when I came to school. My black sling bag, the plastic bag with the dance mat and a toolbox of art supplies. Heehee. It wasn't really heavy. More of bulky and troublesome. On the bright side, this is way better than the previous time I exerted myself so much physically. Looks like I really should train my endurance or something.

I'm supposed to go down to the hospital down but I think I'll take a nice, cold shower to wake me up or something. Then later, see the weather condition. Although I like the rain a lot, I do have some common sense (at times.) It started pouring 5 minutes after I came home. Yay! I have good timing. For once, I was happy that I missed the rain. Mhmm. And now, it's really heavy and I'm quite deterred from going down to Novena. >.<

After this post, I have this feeling that various people might want to kill me. Especially since my own actions made myself so drained. Time to pamper myself and let myself rest. I will rest and take care, ok? =)

2nd last week of school

This entry's almost a week overdue. Wanted to blog about how I celebrated the end of exams on Tuesday. But wasn't really in the mood so haven't blogged. And the past week was actually "blog-worthy" (if there's such a term? =p). But even now, I'm not really in the mood yet but if I continue to postpone the entry, it'll never be done. So I'll do in word/phrase form. =p

Tuesday: Last paper! Bowling ball. Bukit Panjang Plaza. Closed bowling alley. Swensens. Cut and paste. Jumbled up. Ice cream. Salmon baked rice. Library. Vanessa's house. Princess Diaries 2. Fruits. Photos. Phone call. Realization. Priorities.

Wednesday: Withdrawal. Disappointment. Decision. Mistaken. Rumours? Subway. Honey oat. Arcade. Flushed away. Excess of NUSHS people. CD search. Comparison of prices. Spending cash. Soundtracks! =)

Thursday: Delivery service. 1 extended til 3:30. Taunting of rain.

Friday: Delivery service. Cake buying. The story behind the plates (and spoons). Present. Surprise? (Not really, ya?)

That's it for now? Mum's going to be back soon. Shall attempt to practice my piano again. I know my first and 2nd attempt didn't really work out. -shrugs- Didn't realize that practicing piano can actually not work out. I mean, I've tried practicing twice already? And both times, couldn't persevere. >.< Oh well. Oh yes, I wanted to blog about today too. But forget it, I don't think that's such a good idea now. Mhmm. On the bright side, I want to see how bad tomorrow can get. Yeps.

2 more days to go...

I have no idea what to do at this point. There's only so much that my brain will absorb. I feel guilty if I slack especially since I've been slacking so much today. Let's see. After finishing up physics cheatsheet with mei over the phone, we continued chatting for another 45 minutes or so til 12:30. After that, lazed around and read stories on fictionpress for most part of the afternoon. Once in awhile, I would read through botany as a break from fictionpress. So twisted, right? It's supposed to be studying then take a break by slacking. I slack and take a break by studying. Anyway, the rest of the evening/night was spent putting more effort into studying for botany. I've almost given up on thermodynamics already.

Ok. This is what I plan to do before I sleep. Read through thermodynamics notes once more. Skim through botany. Start reading through trigonometry notes. Oh well. Won't be sleeping before 10, i guess. Never mind. Shall aim to sleep by 11.

Prayer. Thanks.

Hmm... During the later part of lcell, had this urge to blog about what was shared and covered today. Then later, felt like blogging more about various stuff that hit me this week. Mhmm. So even though I really should go sleep soon, I felt like blogging first.

Bro Andy asked us this question, "If God was to grant you one prayer request, what would you ask for?" (Apart from wanting more prayer requests to be granted. =p) The first answer that came to mind just really shows how I have changed and yet how my priorities are still very similar. I'll be open, ya? The first answer was the good health of my friend. After giving more thought to the question, my answer changed a bit. This is what I replied, "My prayer request would be that for my friends and family to be happy and in good health." Anyway, Bro Andy continued on by saying that since that's our prayer request, that would mean it's the top on our priority list. 2nd question: "How often do you pray for that?" It was just a question for us to think about and we didn't have to share. But yes, I've changed compared to one year ago? Just talking about prayer alone, I've changed. For the better, I would like to think. I'll just briefly cover the rest of what was covered concerning prayer during lcell then I'll add my own reflections.

To have faith that our prayers will be answered. Persevere and keep on praying. Pray together with others. To have the right motives for our prayers. Approach God in prayer with a pure heart.

Honestly, I grew up only praying during service or when I'm about to have an exam and then I start panicking and praying to God. But over the course of this year and last, there's been a marked difference. Yes, I still have numerous prayer requests and most of the time, pray to God for help. But there have been also times when I pray to thank God for how He has blessed me so much. Especially this year. And one more thing about my prayer requests, they're no longer centered around me. So often, I'm asking God to help my friends in their lives and stuff like that. Even this week, during the exam period. Yeps, for those 3 in school.

Think I've covered what I want about prayer. For now. Not done blogging yet though. =p Want to blog about the various essay questions in the english exam. The questions were all so nice to write about! =) As in, I enjoy blogging about those topics and such but prefer not to do a formal essay. =p Oops? Can only remember 3 out of 5. But anyway, shall list the two questions that I was deciding between. We were supposed to write an argumentative essay on one of the questions.

1. Friends are more important than family.
2. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

The 2nd question was what I wrote about. Obviously, I don't agree with that saying. It might apply to some people but it's rarely ever been that way for me. Words can hurt me so much. Mhmm. To those who've been around me and really know me, you should know how I'm like and what gets me up and what gets me down. Yeps. Though at times, I want to have this shield that prevents me from being hurt so easily due to my character, I won't be me if I have a shield. Got to thank someone for pointing it out a few months ago. There isn't really much I want to blog about for this question. Not really. Just that it's so not true for me?

1st question is a lot harder. My first priority used to be my family during primary school days and even to a good degree of lower secondary. But things have changed. I value my friends a lot more nowadays compared to last time. If I was given a choice to pick between family and friends, I have no idea. And that's what worries me. I was so naive last time. I used to think that because of the good relations between me and my parents, things wouldn't change when I become a teen. -coughs- As if. Things have changed. I have changed. Oh well. Enough dwelling on such issues now.

Lastly, I want to spend the rest of this entry thanking various people. Mel was constantly pointing out how cute I am during dinner and all. And I was trying to figure out why I'm so much more hyper and act cute so often nowadays. Yeps. Certain reasons came to mind. And of course, I've got to thank certain people for brightening up my life or making me realize various things which cause me to enjoy life more and stuff like that. In no particular order...

Melanie: Thank you for being someone who I can talk to in church and have dinner together with. You've helped me feel a greater sense of belonging in church. And your positive mood is contagious. Like how you being so happy to see me just brings my mood up. =) With you, I can go "crazy" and just joke around but I can also talk to you. Thank you!

Tian Cheng: You've helped me appreciate the "kid" in me more. You give me more reason why I should keep finding joy in simple things, never really knew how my joy at things could affect others positively. So more than ever, I can find the joy in seemingly simple things. And thank you for the reassurance that you give. It really helps and lifts my mood up.

Renee: It's great when I can just go hyper and keep you amused. And then after I did that for some time at the beginning of the year, you start getting more hyper. =) Thank you (for the don't know how many time) for being willing to occupy me when I'm on the bus and stuff like that. Mhmm! =) You make school so much more fun and bearable. Not even covering how you've helped me academically. Mhmm.

Ok. There are others that I want to thank like samantha, Vanessa, Isaac and the list continues... But right now, I really should go and sleep soon. So sorry if I didn't mention you in this entry or something. But yes, the past few months of this year has been really enjoyable. I thank you all for bringing out the "kid" in me even more. Especially those 3 in school and Mel.

One last thing that I want to say. To all my friends: No matter how things are, were or will be, I don't regret knowing any one of you all.

exams

Just had chinese 'O' levels yesterday. Why did I sign up for it in the first place? Oh yes, just wanted to give it a shot. (Why does that remind me of how I persuaded my parents to let me enter GEP in primary 3?) Anyway, shall do a recap of yesterday before blogging about upcoming exams and my expectations.

Overslept in the morning. I can't believe it. Of all days to not hear all 3 alarm clocks, it had to be yesterday. On the bright side, it didn't really sink in how "dire" the situation was, so my mood stayed as it was. Paper 1. Pft. Was deciding between gong han and si han. The content for si han was easier but I couldn't remember the format so did gong han. -shrugs- And I didn't like the essay questions. As a general rule, I pick either the 2nd or 3rd question, prefer the 2nd question normally. But this round, I picked the bao zhang bao dao. Mhmm. Oh well. It was rather refreshing to do the first part of Paper 2. MCQ question for cloze passage and comprehension. =)
Had piano lesson after that. Haha. Extended piano lesson! =) Elmi jie jie should just rent out that room or something. Then went home and slacked a bit before studying a bit of biology. That's about it for yesterday?

Shall make a "time-table" for the next few days? Let's see.

31st Oct: Reading Day
Mechanics 2 - Practice questions
States of Matter - Read through notes and practice questions
Molecular Models - Read through notes and practice

1st Nov: English, Mechanics 2 and Elements of Music Theory
Reproduction & Inheritance - Read through notes + practice Punnett square
Indices, Surds and Sets - Read through notes

2nd Nov: Reproduction & Inheritance, Indices Surds and Sets
States of Matter - Read through notes and practice questions
Molecular Models - Read through notes and practice

3rd Nov: States of matter and Molecular models
Botany - Read through notes and redo quizzes
Thermodynamics - Do cheatsheet, read through notes

4th Nov: Weekend!
Botany - Read through notes and redo quizzes
Thermodynamics - Read through notes + practice
Trigonometry - Read through notes and practice questions

5th Nov: Weekend!
Botany - Read through notes and redo quizzes (cont'd)
Thermodynamics - Read through notes + practice

6th Nov: Botany and Thermodynamics
Trigonometry - Practice questions
Statistics - Read through notes

Hah. Now to see if I can actually keep to this and whether the things that I plan to do actually help. ^_- Oh. It's annoying when my expectations are of a certain level and I honestly doubt that I can hit them. Let's list by module, the overall grade that I want, ok?

English: B+
Higher Chinese: Wanted B but got B-
Trigonometry: B+
Statistics: A-
Indices, surds and sets: A-
Expo & Log: B+
Reproduction and Inhertiance: A-
Botany: B or B+
Hands-on Chemistry: B
States of Matter: B-
Molecular Models: B
Thermodynamics: B-
Mechanics 2: B-
Elements of Music Theory: A
3D art: B+

Hmm... Some of my aim might be higher than what's listed actually. But I rather push them away cause I don't want to fall from such a great height, ya? =p These are the grades that I'm hoping to get. But for some of them, it's rather unrealistic. Some of them, I'm aiming too low? =p

chilling winds

What does it say when I'm able to link the fact that it's windy to my mood? 0.0 But yes, as I was walking along the corridor, it was rather windy and though I enjoyed the wind, the word "chilling" came to mind. Ok. That was just random.

Anyway, was commenting that I wanted to blog about a few differences in my behaviour on Sunday compared to normal. Let's see. Normally, I have no qualms about sharing food or drinks with anyone. Sharing in the sense of same utensils/straw/etc... But when someone took a sip out of the packet of grass jelly that I bought, I cringed inwardly. Then, my manners (or to be really honest, lack of it) when I talk to him and stuff like that. Mei pointed it out over the phone when I was in the car. Somehow, my manners kind of erm.. no longer exist that when I'm in his company? It's been like that for quite a few years. Yes, I do feel bad at times about acting this way. But since young, I've never really been polite or courteous? Considering that I used to talk back to him each time several topics were brought up. Oh yes, one more difference in my behaviour that I realized. If people ask me about Jonathan or my family, I'll at least be smiling when I answer or start gushing about Jon's cuteness, ya? When he asks, he gets mono-syllabic replies or really short answers. Mhmm. I see no point in telling him a lot anyway. Oops? Go ahead and tsk me if you want. It's alright.

On a slightly brighter note, had the first meeting to plan for Z1 SP empowerment. Yes yes, my exams start on wednesday and yet I still go. =p Oops? But I do enjoy doing such stuff. Always enjoyed planning, brainstorming and all but opportunities hardly arise. That's why I'm trying to make the most out of each opportunity. Hmm. I shall leave this at that. This topic just triggered off another train of thoughts. =p

On a even brighter note, my dad just came back, and bought lots of chocolate for us. =) Was told to bring some to school for those 3. (Interesting whose name was first mentioned.. Laadeedaas.) And dad gave me some of the currency and even bought stamps for me. =) Ohh! Something else to blog about. While keeping the notes, coins and stamps in the various albums, realized how much I've neglected those collection. When I do have time, I only focus on the notes collection. My poor stamps and first-day covers are collecting dust and not being organized. I'm still rather amused by how I started "stamp-collecting". The reason behind my sudden interest for stamps in primary school. Uhohh. Memories come flooding back. Especially when I was digging out the albums and came across primary school pictures, those few class photos... And though I didn't pull out the picture, I saw the corner of another picture. It was taken after we received the trophies for SMO, I think. -sighs. More memories of primary school. Primary 6. Advanced math club. I remember wanting to enter NUSHS then but was complaining of how the school wasn't ready yet. Sighs. I think that's enough blogging. The more I blog, the more I trigger off memories. I'm not in the best of mood for memories to come flooding back.

Mood: this sense of loss
Music: I don't want to know (yes, it's an actual song)

the next few days...

Whee! Exams start on wednesday and I haven't really started studying yet.. Uhohh. Next few days, I'll have to force myself to study and revise. Anyway, I'm thinking that the next few days would be the most tiring and draining days of the whole year. If I can get through these few days, I'll be really contented. The realization of how "well-prepared" I am for the exams is starting to hit me rather hard. And to add to that, I do have expectations that I want to meet. To obtain a certain range of marks for each subject. But it's really unrealistic right now. I'm not even putting in the effort. That's why I know my marks are so going to fall short of my expectations. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. Yes, some might say I should stop spending time blogging and all, but I can't study now. My mind's in this state which I dislike immensely. Of all times, right before the exam. If it was during the holidays, at least I can listen to my head and give it what it wants: which is a lot of sleep and rest. But now, I can't afford to do that.

Oh joy! I just got a phone call from some person in church who tells me that I'm in the sub-committee for the leadership camp in December. 0.0 Did I sign up for that? I don't seem to recall anything along those lines. But anyway, the thing is, that's a meeting tomorrow from 2-4 which means there goes another 2 hours of studying time if I do go.

Forget it. I'm resorting to rather desperate measures. Shall bring my notes along with me when I go out, so that I can read it on the bus or something. But right now, shall go play the piano again. I wonder why the piano's calling out to me so much nowadays. Yeps, I know the answer.

~ I woke up this morning, feeling kind of blue~

Counting down

While most people are about to start their holidays, our school's starting exams next week. Strangely enough, the panic and worry hasn't really hit me. At least not often enough.. This week's been rather relaxed with the nice long weekend (that started on friday after bio bridging module all the way til last night).

Today was also rather slack and it's kind of freaky when I'm so relaxed? Let's see. Free period during math. English was just listening to the other groups present and checking of our CA marks. =) Whee! -feels accomplished- Finally a CA mark that I'm really happy with. =) Chinese lesson consist of getting back our exam paper. Mini roller-coaster ride. Was pleased with certain portions of my paper but other portions.. Sighs. Physics was more or less a free period for us to "study". Ended up sleeping for 15 minutes or so? As in, really fell asleep and wasn't conscious of my surroundings. Mhmm.

Oh yes. I've been rather sleepy these few days. And it gets worse when I get more sleep... Or is it just my body complaining because the past two weeks, I've been sleeping really late? Sighs. Think I'll stop blogging now and go sleep? -yawns- Hopefully, I can sleep peacefully tonight. Unlike yesterday. Highly disrupted sleep. Lost count how many times I woke up in the middle of the night.

saturday's roller-coaster ride

Due to the time now, I really should go to sleep. But I've got to keep my blog active and since I'm still up, why not blog a quick entry? So it'll just be words, ok?

Smses. SPC. Disappointment. Boredom. Wishes. Phone calls. East Coast. Barbeque. Breakwater. Waves. Seashells. Temperature. Frisbee. Memories. "Responsibilities". Cycling. Cross Country. Memories. Missing. Testing the limits. Wind. Loneliness. Cutting cake. More cycling. Songs. Triggers. Failure. Barbeque. Going through the motions. Photos. Getting away. Car ride. Mahjong playing. Apologies. Pushing everything to the back. Hoping.

I might/might not elaborate on this entry... But on a side note, I've changed quite a bit. It's gradual. But the whole day at the beach just made me realize how often I'm physically some place but my mind's no longer there. Family over friends or friends over family? Once, I didn't have to even think about the answer. I promised and was naive enough to think that things could always remain that way. But that's just another thing I was in denial about...

1st half of monday

Aiyoh. I give in to mei to much. Ask me to blog, then I blog now at this time of the day... =p Bearing in mind that I'm blogging this slightly past 12 midnight, I'll have to refer to 16th of Oct as yesterday...

Let's see. Went to school to "dump" my bag as usual. Yay! Mei joined me in school today. Was amused by kor and mei. Then walked to pool. Whee! It's really more enjoyable when there's company. If not, it's like I'll just listen to my mp3 player. Swimming.. Repeated the usual activities again. Wanted to leave earlier so pushed myself a bit harder for the 8 laps. Finally, my swimming shows some signs of improvement.. But yes, I need to get back to swimming more regularly instead of just playing water in the pool like what I've been doing for the past few years. Walked back to school and waited with mei and nes for *drum roll* McDelivery!

A nice enjoyable 1 hour break since we reached school earlier than normal. Could enjoy and savour the taste of hotcakes with sausage. =) "Singing sessions".. -shakes head- half exasperated, half amused. Math lesson, then lunch then followed by art. Not that much to blog about. Corrections: not that much that I want to blog about...

Random note: What is it with me and having phone calls that last past 1 hour for the past few days? And not just one person..

another wednesday entry

Oops? Blogging during journalism again. =p I would try to write an article except I have no idea what to write about. There's no fixed topic so it's up to us what we want to write about but right now, I can't think of anything. So I'm blogging. =p

Uhohh. There's been a lack of hyper entries and stuff? Heehee. -thinks of how to remedy that- Ohh!! I know. Yay! Can look foward to after CCA. Practice on the piano for 30 minutes, while waiting for mei and kor to end choir. Then later, can go and slack in a classroom and watch a show/listen to music/finish biology assignment. Mhmm. Yeps.

I want to sleep. -yawns- Thing is, I can't close my eyes now. When I close them, my eyes feel so strained and tired. Heehee. Note: I'm saying that my eyes are strained and tired, not that I'm tired. Oh wait. Am I tired? -shrugs- Don't know..

Urk! I want to start writing an article but have absolutely no idea what to write about. Yeps. I have 1 hour to think of something to write and then type it out.

looking for answers

Whee! Could someone please tell me why I want to sleep right now at 8:40pm?! It's not like I've been sleeping late or something. From friday onwards, I've gone back to normal sleep hours. In fact, maybe more than normal.

Actually, I don't think I'm sleepy. More of mind shut down on me. So I can't really do my work and slacking even more will make me feel bad so sleep's the nicer alternative. Then I'll wake up tomorrow and panic because the chemistry lab report's not done.

Ohh. Time to touch more on the title... If not, it would just be a white elephant. Everyone's always looking for answers, to situations and all. "Why is....?", "What is happening?", "Where can I go?", "What can I do?", "How can this be resolved?" Whee! I should do the 5 Ws and 1 H, ya? Lol. Nah.. Forget it. But yes, we're alwaysa asking questions and wanting answers. But hey, what's life without its mysteries? Ohh. A rhetorical question. (Uhohh. Think I'm losing it if I ask blogging senselessly about questions. Oh wait, I'm already crazy/normal.)

Quite a few questions I want to know the answers to... Hmm. Let's play "Guess the context of the question"! (Guess what I'm referring to?) =p
1) How did things turn out this way?
2) What exactly is happening now?
3) Why am I in this state?
4) How do I resolve this and make things better?

So many questions about quite a few situations. But the answers are far more evasive. In fact, at times, not knowing the answer to your questions might be better. It takes quite a bit of strength to bear the burden of the truth. The truth might be too much to handle at times. Is that why lying is justified? So as not to destroy the illusion of others...

Ok. My thoughts are all over the place. Have no idea how I typed out everything I did. But yes, really want to go sleep now. Sadly enough, I can't afford to. Actually, I can but I won't neglect my homework. I'll have to deal with it sooner or later. Xian ku hou tian or xian tian hou ku? I've been brought up to do the former but the latter's always so tempting... =p

birth month determines personality?!

August:
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self confident. Loud and boisterous. Very revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. (At times only?) Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. Big imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. (Haha. Why did I strike this out? Guess I'm ok with studying?) In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

Ok... Those in bold means I agree. Those normal text means I don't have much of an opinion on that. Those that I strike out means I disagree.

Hmm. A short post on this then... Actually, I should strike out "takes risks" but I do, just rarely and mostly "illogical" stuff? Haha. Hmm... Longs for freedom can be bold but if I think about it, do I value freedom that much? Yeps... Hmm. The few things I do agree with a lot is "curious", "stubborn" and "no self control". Yeps... Haha. No strong self so have to strike out "strong willed". I mean, how many times do I give in so easily to you all ah? And let myself be bullied. Lol.

Whee! On a side note: Today was an exceptionally nice day! =) -bounce-

self-awareness

Whee! I prove myself right again... Yesterday night/this morning, one or two possible scenarios crossed my mind. And they came true. Let's see... Was telling myself that there was no way I'll be able to stay awake and not go to sleep. Duh. And the one I want to blog about, wouldn't finish the english article during journalism. And ya, it's my choice that I choose not to write it now and blog instead but seriously, no inspiration. =p Besides, there were actually things to be done. Such as proof-reading the same few pages again. What is it with me and getting the mentor group write-ups? Read through them countless times. Ohh. Was double checking the spelling of the names against a name list. After that, everyone was told to do a small exercise: layout an article using Dreamweaver. Whee! Didn't want to code (can't really code that well anyway) so just use all the tools and finished the layout within minutes. It's really plain and all but oh well, satisfactory for now?

Ack. Forget it. I shall not spend so much time in front of the computer. Time to get down to the piano!

staying up late

Urk. Not a good thing when I start to stay up past 11 for quite a few days... At least it's not consecutive. With the exception of last week. Was rushing out biology assignment. Oh well. Been attempting to do the english articles for the media project. Of all times, why did it have to be now?! I mean, I can't even think of stuff to write and yet I'm trying to produce quality work. It's irritating and annoying. Though it's tempting to go sleep now and just print out whatever I have (which isn't much), I can't. Because I'm having expectations of the level of work that I do. Urk. Feel like swearing. This's just a preview of what it'll be like when the exams come and I start to have expectations. -cringe- I can't just forget about the expectations I have. And then when I fail to meet them, it hurts even more. (Note: interesting use of the word "when"...)

Ohh. And really, I don't think it was such a good idea to pick that particular topic for the English article. I can write it without emotions and stuff, as long as I push things to the back of my head and maintain this weird calmness and control. But it can't last for long. Heehee. Zi zao ma fan? Haha. Laughing at myself. So right, I better get down to finishing up the articles. Oh wait, I've only done half of one and barely started the other one. So corrections, it should be "I better get to down to writing the articles." Heehee. Can't believe I'm finding all these amusing and can spare the energy to laugh at myself. Oh well. Most things are unbelievable anyway.

soft toys!

Haha. Can't think of a title so decided to use this for now. Heehee. Too many soft toys are appearing in school, especially this term. Let's see. Current count: 4 toys. Lol. Highly amusing and interesting for everyone. Especially yesterday. It's been too long since the 4 of us could just go hyper in E1-14, ya? Heehee. I like my handphone picture. Renee, I want your boyfriend! So cute! Rofl. Okok. Let me clarify something. Renee's boyfriend isn't a person, ok? Haha. Never mind.

Shall I blog about yesterday? -thinks- Okies! Why not? Since I'll only start work after I'm done blogging.. =p Mentoring session. Urk. When did I start helping mei with leading the discussion? Pft. Never mind. At least it's only this once. =) Then physics. The usual copying and stuff. Mhmm. Break. Relatively normal and stuff? Math bridging module. Ziah. Thanks to mei ah, I'm no longer progressing along with the teacher. Tend to tune out and do what I can by myself/or with mei and nes's help. So was starting on the homework during lesson time. Oops? But still not as fast as mei who's finished everything? 0.0 Then biology bridging module... Pft. No video yesterday. Haha. Never mind. And lesson learnt: Last minute mugging for biology quiz doesn't work. =p Had time for lunch between biology bridging module and chemistry extra lesson. Whew. Luckily. Was getting hungry. Chemistry took less time than expected so 4 of us could go occupy E1-14 for a longer time. Initially, we were all doing our whole things (e.g reading and stuff), then after quite some time, we got more hyper. Mhmm. =) And why am I the one always getting poked? Especially unfair when you all ganged up and poke me at the same time... -pouts- Haha. Oh well.

After staying in school, rushed down to Serene for dinner with mel and saac. Then went to church and met Sis Jas to prepare for Glorify. Still think I get very nervous. Whee! Lcell was in the auditorium. Since it was open and no one else was using it. =) -bounce- Hmm. Getting more and more used to being in Lcell. Compared to the start of the year and all, I think I've improved in certain areas. But of course, there are things I still need to work on. Lots of things. Mhmm. Talked to mei on the phone on the way home. Thank you! =) Heehee. Went home and attempted to do a bit of chemistry lab report. Oh well. Then started reading and erm... -cough- slept relatively late/early. Not intentional. =p Made up for it by not getting out of bed til 10.

Heehee. Guess I better stop slacking and try to figure out the calculations for chemistry?

wed 2-4pm

Hmm... After writing those articles last week and all, I was right, I would get a break from writing. Ya. Was only asked to write something towards the end of journalism. But mainly, I did proof-reading. For the don't know how many times. And it's always the same few pages? But yes, I found it amusing (in the ironic way) that the first set of papers I had to proof read were the descriptions of the pioneer batch of Year 3s. Looking through the names, the pictures, the mentor group descriptions... Whew. Luckily I didn't have to write out the surnames of each of the students for two of the mentor groups. The copy I was proof-reading wasn't updated. Whew. If not, -cringe-. But it's kind of interesting to just read through everything again and again. Black and white pictures of the seniors.

If you all haven't figured out the irony, then never mind. But yes, found it rather ironic that I was proof-reading that set of documents. Laadeedaa. Oh well. Side note: I know the surnames of a few more people? -amused-

can't sleep

Times like this, I'm thankful that the computer's in my room with internet connection. In fact, this's the first time I've turned on the computer to blog just because I couldn't sleep. Mhmm. Ok. Before I blog any further, I have to decide something. Which line of thought to blog about. There's obviously a reason why I'm still up, ya? No matter how much I can't sleep, rarely do I reach this state when sleep really doesn't come easily. For me, that's shocking. But I'm getting used to it. At least I know why I can't sleep.

Think I'll just be vague. Note: If you don't understand the entry, it's understandable. I'll try not to blog with any particular audience in mind but a lot of the things would have to be inferred and you'll need to have some contextual knowledge (-cringe. history.) to figure out.

Some changes are reversible. Sure, there are some there aren't reversible but it can continue changing into something better. At least, that's what I'm hoping. Hope. That is one of the few things keeping me going. And as usual, various promises I made to myself and to others keep me from falling and feeling the impact as much. They're like safety mattresses. I can take them away and just fall, bearing the full blow. Still, I haven't reached that point yet. Fortunately?

Oh well. My pillow will be extremely comfortable to sleep on later if I can find the right position to place my head. The pillow has different temperature at different places. Wonder why. Heehee. Maybe it's due to the aircon. Who knows? It's highly tempting to stay up the whole night but I'll opt for escaping from all this through sleep. If only I can fall asleep.

Retreat and taking a rest might be tactics for war and all but somehow, I still feel like I'm walking away. I've hurt those I care for and love before. Sorry. If only I coud stop doing that... I don't know how but I really want to know. Just to see them well, I'll give as much as I can.

Mood: tired
Music: If I never knew you

quotes

"Memories are important. They're something you can hold on to."

"Memories are precious. Even bad ones. They make us who we are."

"I should let him shelter me a bit, stop jabbing at him, leave my own fear behind. But the fear remained."

"Learn from water. Water is malleable, water is gentle, but drops of water wear away stone, and everything it touches is shaped by its passing."

Hmm. All these are taken from the book I'm reading right now, The Fifth Sacred Thing. The first two lines, I don't think I need to explain why I typed them out. How true... Now, just to combine both together. Memories are important and precious. Even bad ones. They're something you can hold on to and make us who we are. Hmm. Sums it up, pretty well, ya? Again, more things are starting to mean more and more to me. The slightest things can trigger off these whole string of thoughts and stuff.

Third line(s) quoted was for the idea behind the line. The whole "being protected and all is good but there's still fear"... Hmm. Don't feel like elaborating.

Last one. Ahh. My "element". Still have that line from Memoirs of a Geisha in my diary. Also about water, or to be precise, the nature of water. I don't know. Though I'm sure I've displayed both sides of water before, there's one side that feels more natural than the other. It's fairly obvious which side I prefer and am more used to... Sighs. But today, it was a bit towards the other side. Not that I "unleashed" it. But ya.. It was waiting. -cringe- Sounds like I have a split personality, ya? Lol. But nah... Not understanding what I blog about either.

Ok. Enough about elaborating on the quotes and all. Think I'll try to finish more biology homework. Sighs. But really, not in the mood to. Physically and mentally.

you give me wings

You give me wings when I'm falling
You lift me up when I'm down

- Lyrics from "You give me wings"

Hmm. Heard this song yesterday on Singapore Idol. It's an original song composed for the winner of Singapore Idol. The lyrics are really meaningful. Ever more so in this period of time. Was pointing out to mei how this song is so suitable for song dedications and all. Mhmm. Been wanting to blog but can't think of what to blog about.. Or rather reluctant to blog about the things that are taking up most of my thoughts.

Ack. Still very sleepy. Was using the computer then decided to lie down for awhile and ended up making myself comfortable (e.g hugging a soft toy, covering myself with the comforter) and taking a short nap. Was smart enough to set an alarm though. =p After all the times when a short nap resulted in me sleeping for more than an hour. Yeps. Okies. Better stop using the computer. Shall go practice a bit of piano... =)

balancing act

Can't think of a title so shall leave it blank.

-cringe- The entry from 2 days ago was so out of character. In the sense that I've tried to bring those kind of entries down to a minimum. Oh well. Things have improved. In a way. Want to blog but have no idea what to blog about. But yes. Right now, everything's just very calm. All the various situations. It's like balancing on a tightrope. I still have the balance and all but one wrong step, one push and everything will probably collaspe.

At least, it's still bearable now. But the silence of the house does gets a bit irritating at times.

~at least, I still have something to grab hold onto if I fall. Thanks.~

broken promises

Though it hurts when people don't keep their promise or I don't keep my promise to others which results in them getting hurt, there's one last situation in which it hurts so much. Me not keeping my promises to myself. So many broken today. Fine, maybe not so many. But the few that I don't want to break the most just had to be broken. And it was my own actions that caused me to break that promise I made to myself.

It's highly tempting to blog one of those entries with a lot of references to "you" and all but there's not much of a point, ya? It's the easy way out to blog. The harder one is actually addressing people face to face. I've been avoiding that. Guess I've got to settle everything soon.
Whee! The piano calls. Actually, a lot of things/places are calling out my name. Shall see how well I am able to respond to these "calls". But highly doubt can answer those "calls". Situation doesn't permit. And some of them, I'm trying my best not to respond to those calls. I can't.

tired

Whoa. Other than selective hearing, looks like I have selective timing. In the sense that my mind chooses when to think about stuff at such wonderful times.

Yayness. Biology test tomorrow. Though I could always do the speed-read through notes way of studying, I actually want to do well in the test. Urk. Of all times to want to do well. I want to study but as usual, it really depends on my mood. Right now, I just want a break. Not just going to the kitchen and grabbing a snack. More than that. -thinks of places- Let's see. Other than biology test tomorrow, there's a chemistry quiz tomorrow and chem lab notebook due. Quiz, first lesson of the day. And my chemistry grade is low enough already. Then after end of school tomorrow, study for expo and log exam. And have to complete math bridging module homework. I really dislike it when my mind chooses to be selective about when I care about academic matters. If it was constantly care/don't care, it's easier to deal with. But at random times, I'll just remember the importance of studies and/or need to prove something to myself and fulfil certain personal expectations.

Sighs. I should go off and study and finish all those things, right? But I've learned that it's no point trying to study if I can't focus. So will allow myself to go on for a while more before I stop blogging. On the bright side, everything should be better after friday afternoon. But first, have to endure through tomorrow and friday. =) Oh well. How bad can it get? There's this resignation to it all. I've been through similar experiences for me to get too worried. Ohh. And realized that I'm sleepy. Sleepy enough to sleep now actually. Just lie down for awhile so ya... Ack. Better continue sitting upright, if not...

CCA - journalism

Urk. I really shoudn't be blogging now, ya? But guess what, I don't really care that much now cause my mood's really too low. I want to get the chemistry week article done but first, I have to write the introduction. Once I can do that, I'll be able to write. Even though I've just written out the points to be covered on foolscap, I doubt I'll be able to start.

Right now, I feel like getting out of the computer lab. It's very restricting to be confined to within the 4 walls. CCA. I have to make up my mind soon. I can't continue on with this attitude if I'm going to stay in Journalism. But if I'm not going to, then what CCA? Though choir was rather an appealing choice, note the "was". Laadeedaa. Mhmm. I don't know... Been having a rather crazy idea to have a certain CCA started in this school but it's really not that feasible and highly impossible. Not the time for it anyway. But yes, shall push that idea to the back of my head.

Whee! I have 35 minutes to finish one article. Quite alright actually but first I have to get into the mood. =p Ack. Some corner's of the school's calling my name. Heehee. -shrugs- Ok. Just try my best to focus and finish up the article and then leave Journalism slightly earlier.

Ohh. There's one feature of livejournal which I rather like and I think I'll do that for this blog.

Mood: thinking (too much...)
Music: Shooting Star - Boyzone (it's an obscure song from Hercules)

so close

I've been on the verge of tears for quite some time, not referring to any day in particular but ya... It's really too often for my liking but never mind. As long as it doesn't get any worse (I'm too hopeful), I'm still not too worried and will just accept it.

Hmm, started reading through my blog entries. Since someone mentioned that my old entries used to be a lot more open, I decided to read through to judge for myself. Yeps. Oh well. I don't know. But one thing's for sure, I'm blogging more often this year.

Today could have been better. Then again, most days are like that, it can always be better. I want to blog but have no idea what to blog about since I typed another entry elsewhere. Go figure which blog. -amused- Can't believe I maintain most of my blogs. Let's see. There's my MSN space which has about 1 entry a month, this blog, the obsession one (which is dead), private blog and my lj account. Haha. My lj's really just used for typing to mei/nes/kor or this latest "craze" that nes started. Mhmm. That's about it?

Shall go attempt to do my work or play the piano.

another sunday

Just feel like doing a recount of today. Mhmm.

Start off with this morning. As in the first few hours of the day. Couldn't sleep. Was really restless and came so close to turning the computer on to blog. Slept later than I preferred. Then again, I would prefer to be able to sleep all the way from the time my head hits the pillow til my alarm clock rings but that doesn't happen so getting used to the change in sleeping times. I have to. Woke up at 8 and started getting ready to meet mei at Jurong East Central for breakfast. Chee cheong fun with prawns is nice! Even if it's a bit oily...

Went Jurong Regional to do CIP. Laadeedaa. Basically, if you need a workout, go help out at the library. You get to walk around and arrange the books and carry stacks of books. Whee! ^_- But yes, it was kind of interesting to see how the librarians sorted out the books and stuff. After that, walked around the library for a quick while then went to grandma's house for lunch. Turns out they were making mooncakes so everyone just helped. Ohh! Gloria came. *I'm referring to my cousin, not glo from nanyang. Got a chance to go view elmi jie jie's new house. =) I like the colour of the various walls. -smiles- It's really nice. Laadeedaa. Then more mooncake making... Finally used up all the supplies bought and could eat dinner. Was rather sleepy (and maybe tired too?) so almost fell asleep there. Came back home, bathe and stone in front of the computer. Think I'll go sleep early today. Will deal with homework tomorrow or something. No, not sleeping now though. It's only 9. But probably before 10. Mhmm.

joy and sorrow.

There are quite a few things that I want to blog about but most of them aren't things for this public blog. Pft. Never mind.

More than ever, I thank God for directing me at the end of last year. While entering NUS High hasn't always been that smooth-sailing despite how things might seem, I don't regret the decision I made. It's been hitting me these two days how this school served as a resting place for me but it'll also be the next "battle-field". But I really don't mind. I've had my chance to rest. At least I had that.

And it's great to know that I haven't changed much. Really. But yes, I just want to say that no matter how things might seem to be, I'm still me. I'm thankful that I can still be happy over simple things such as walking home from the busstop and feeling the breeze and enjoying the view of the night sky. During F.U.E.L today, I gushed over a powerpoint background. But yes, it's nice to know that I'm still me. Various other events have proved it. And because I'm still me, my priorities hasn't changed. So to you, all you need to do is call and I'll do my best to be there. Even now. No matter what. I made a promise to you and I still intend to keep it. There.